If you cant keep an open mind, please hit the back button now.
Anyways...if you're still reading this, ill try to keep it short. I feel trapped in this current situation im in, and there is no simple solution. Please dont judge.
When I was six or seven, my parents and I visited relatives in the US but those relatives convinced my parents to move here permanently (from El Salvador in 2001). To do so legally takes ages and tons of money that my parents didnt have, aside from being highly selective. So we went back for belongings and came back and overstayed, becoming undocumented. I grew up in the US (CA), with a relativelly normal life. I really dont recall El Salvador and can't speak Spanish very fluently, plus I have an American accent when I speak Spanish. Im also very light skinned, almost white looking and the only culture I know is American. Im pratically American save for a stupid number.
Anyways, about three years ago, my parents and siblings became the extreme, to-the-book strict kind of religious people (christian). Latino families are usually know to be close, but because of the fact that im an Atheist led them to push me away. They treated me like an outsider. On top of that, im also gay but they dont really know. If they did I would be homeless. They want nothing to do with me and I with them.
Basically for those last three years ive been miserable. My focus was on school and to go far away to college since I can't stand living with these people and I know they want me to leave too. I gratuated last year with a 3.8 GPA, despite my problems at home, and was accepted to an UC (university of ca) but of couse there was no way I could pay, being undocumented. I received 5k in scholarships, the only source of aid I could get, and lost more than half of it when I didnt attend the UC. Today I'm using what remains in community college, but I'm still miserable living with my parents and want to move out but the only way is to get a job, illegally, and I really don't want to do it that way. Also I don't know why I'm even in school anymore since I can't legally work even with the best degree. Since I turned eighteen, I can't even drive legally or even go to rated R movies for not having ID. Can't tell friends who judge right away. This country, even thought its home, has nothing to offer for me and I can't even offer anything to it. I wanted to join the Air Force last year but of course, I can't being undocumented.
I have no support, no legal way to make money, can't drive, no id, barely have a roof over my head, friends who really don't understand. I put so much effort on school as my only opportunity to get away and now in community college, studying film and political science, with a 4.0 gpa I'm sure I'm going to lose since I'm becoming so unmotivated.
I have been depressed before, when my parents first became religious. I got better but I feel like I'm going back. My experience with poli sci tells me many americans are not so welcoming, that includes not only undocumented but also gay and even atheist (seen the GOP recently?). The Dream act was false hope, and even thought CA will offer aid to undocumented in 2013, I don't think it will be enough. Most people will just say to get out and go back to my own country. I don't want to be where I'm not welcome, even if that's my home. I don't know what to do. Should I go back to a country I know nothing about, whose language I can't speak fluently, and where the only person I know is my biological father who I never spoke to and physically abused my mother. I'm willing to, surprisingly, but only to then move to europe, australia, or canada (I speak french so it wouldn't be as hard). That's going to be almost impossible legally since most countries only accept skilled workers and how could I finish school. I don't want to go thought being undocumented again. A degree from el salvador is worth nothing and I don't want to live there. I would have to be there for years while I process all the applications. If I went back to apply for legal US residency I wouldn't be able to afford it and there's no way ill be accepted, plus I can't wait a decade for it.
Should I leave? Is that a good idea? How do I even go about doing that? I don't know what to do! I'm trapped where I am, there's no future here. No family. No friends who understand. I don't have much money. I don't know what to do but I have to do something, otherwise I'm going to become depressed again, and I fear that won't end well this time. For now I'm waiting to 2013 to transfer to see if I get enough aid. I deserve it academically, but I can't have that cause of a stupid number, no matter how much taxes I pay. If not I don't know what else to do. My parents don't want me. The country doesn't want me. I can't live independently legally, except by going to the foreign country where I was born. I don't know what to do. I am alone.
What do I do??