It makes me feel absolutely insane...
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It makes me feel absolutely insane...

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Old 02-17-11, 04:59 AM   #1
Lose_My_Self's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 471
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Default It makes me feel absolutely insane...

Okay, so... My elder cousin has a band. After being estranged for him, his brother, and his mother for several years, we have recently gotten back together and have tried to leave the past in the past. My aunt's, my cousin's mother, husband molested me for several years and when I came forward, it caused the estrangement. She still has not said anything to me about me being correct, and occasionally has made hints that she still believes I am lying. Whether she is doing that for the sake of her sanity or just because she's a bitch is beyond me. her children still live with her soon-to-be ex-husband. (After four years she finally decides to divorce him, which is why we relented to speak with her again.)
ANYWAY. When I and my elder cousin were younger, he used to literally torture me. I mean, he tried to break my back on several occasions, and used to beat me up for the hell of it, just because he liked to hear me cry, and thought I 'looked better bruised'. He also, at his father (my molester's) bidding, raped me when were both much younger. I only recently remembered this, and don't want to know if he remembers or not.
Saturday, his band is playing. I am debating coming to see them with my boyfriend. It's kind of a family affair. My mother, grandmother, and uncle J are going, and everyone expects me to attend as well. I have stated I don't wish to go just because he treated me, and still does treat me, like shit. he's very verbally abusive of me now.
But, at the same time, i do wish to see my younger cousin, and kind of want my boyfriend to meet my aunt. I am very unsure of what to do. If I see my younger cousin/aunt with my boyfriend, I WILL have to see my elder cousin. If I go this Saturday, the actual time spent with my elder cousin should be significantly reduced, and it would be eaiser on me with my family.
However, even seeing him might put me on a trigger-trip and I may turn into a hysterical-insane-fuck on my boyfriend, and he's going to have to deal with me the drive home (two hours) and most of that night after, because I'm pretty sure I won't feel safe alone after this.
But I know if I do it any other time, it will be worse.
It just...
I have no idea what to do. I could opt out, and just make my aunt bring my younger cousin up here at a time when my elder cousin CAN'T come, but...
I don't know.
I'm not sure what to do.
And I am really not comfortablle with my boyfriend seeing me upset. I don't like anyone AT ALL seeing me upset. It frustrates me. So maybe even some coping tips so I won't become a total basket case would be helpful.
&& in that moment,
I swear we were infinite.
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