How should i go about telling my husband i was abused?
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How should i go about telling my husband i was abused?

This is a discussion on How should i go about telling my husband i was abused? within the Other Challenges forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; It wasn't until yesterday that I fully came to terms with what happened to me. I feel like an absolute ...

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Old 05-15-18, 02:08 PM   #1
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It wasn't until yesterday that I fully came to terms with what happened to me. I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am a weak spineless person. I am truly lost. This is so upsetting to me I donít think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears. I am a 42year old woman what is wrong with me? My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have a 15year old daughter! I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. I have a rather large breasts and i do have a big butt. I don't intend to dress in any particular 'way' for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don't 'ask' for anything. I don't ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks - something I have no control over. I can't help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get.

My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was 'too short' or 'too tight', or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There's always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out. I mention i have a husband but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I've been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear - when really, it was a short,skinny old woman I should have feared. My story just seems so implausible that I feel I won't be believe. Three months ago on February 12th i i attended women over 40 conference in the neighboring town. I was wearing a purple long sleeve satin blouse buttoned up to the top,my black satin pencil skirt, sheer black pantyhose and my 5 inch heels purple shoes. I left my coat in my car.I sat down and this short like 5ft3 skinny freckled face creepy green eyes thin lips red haired masculine woman in her mid 50s sat right next to me on my left hand side. The conference started and a few minutes in this creepy ginger woman beside me leaned over slightly and whispered something about the conference, as she squeezed my shoulder. I nodded, trying to ignore her presence, but her hand stayed on my shoulder after she squeezed it; in fact she began rubbing my shoulder as she introduced herself.

I squirmed slightly, trying to let her know i didn't appreciate being touched by a stranger, but it had the unfortunate effect of shifting her hand slightly onto my chest. "I'm sorry,"s he whispered - "It's just that i canít resist touching and stroking satin fabric". She was now rubbing in slightly larger circles, moving further onto my chest near my collar bone - well above my breasts.

Her hand slipped a bit lower, and her fingers brushed against the upper slope of my left breast. Her fingers now going back upwards, and then to my shoulder - then back to the center of my collarbone, where her fingers toyed with one of the small buttons there.

Her hand was rubbing in circles again.

"It's just so soft and smooth, - do you mind if I feel it for just a moment more?" Her hand was drifting lower and lower. Then her hand was slipping all the way onto my breasts. She began rubbing her hand in a circular motion against my breasts. Her right hand was practically constantly on my breasts during the conference. I sat there totally paralyzed. I couldn't move my hands and legs. I couldn't talk normal. I couldn't get words out of my mouth. Mouth was open but no words came out of it. It was like i went into Ďfreezeí mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock. The conference ended I started to rise from the chair while she was still sitting, and she then reached over and squeezed my butt about four or five times .

I didn't know what to do, and I actually laughed, even though that was the last thing I felt like doing. At the post conference cocktail she was behind me with her both hands rubbing my ass. At one point she hugged me from behind subtly placing her hands on my breasts and cupped and started to stroke my breasts . I just stood there stiff as a board not saying a word. Other women at the conference were weirded out but they ignored that and said/did nothing as if nothing was happening.I think that the women were in shock themselves,maybe they thought we knew each other?Unfortunately some people donít like to get involved if they feel uncomfortable or threatened or not sure what is going on. While i was walking to my car she was walking behind me with her hands on my ass talking to me about the conference.She was resting her hands on my butt.She had her arm around me from behind and was just cupping one of my boobs. I tried to walk fast but i was on a 5inch high heels.I didnít say anything or tell her to stop. I was just standing and sitting there letting it happen. Afterwards when i got home I started breathing hard, my legs got weak, and my heart started to race really fast.I have never felt such shame or degradation like this in my life. That happened to me three months ago but i am still so embarrassed by the whole thing.I was physically stronger than her and eventually had to push her off me to make her stop,but I was quiet and afraid, I let her touch all over my body. Iím embarrassed that this weird ginger short skinny masculine stranger woman was touching me and groping me so intimately in front of more than 60 other women and I did nothing about it.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 6inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget. People only seem to recognise/acknowledge one type of sexual abuse/rape - the 'classic' sense, that of course involves a man, him having the advantage of strength, the act being very violent, involving overpowering etc. etc. When...it didn't. At least not for me. The thing is, afterwards, I blocked out what happened and continued on as normal. And while this has happened, I've been too afraid to say anything. I've tried to block it out and ignore. Initially, I've been angry. Now I'm just afraid of the next time it'll happen. I'm so passive and weak. I've been left feeling extremely paranoid and anxious.

I want to tell my husband about this, but I'm afraid he won't believe me. He is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me. I'm still in shock, if I'm honest. Really delayed response, too. I don't know what happened to me that I just decided I couldn't face what happened and I had to repress. I had to move on as if nothing had happened. I feel so foolish and used by this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman. I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this short skinny awful pervert ginger old woman. He is going to blame me.
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Old 05-15-18, 03:03 PM   #2
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That must have been a horrible experience. Why not notify the organizer of the conference of your ordeal? And see what they propose. If they fail to take action you can always file charges by going to the police.
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Old 05-15-18, 05:32 PM   #3
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That must have been a horrible experience. Why not notify the organizer of the conference of your ordeal? And see what they propose. If they fail to take action you can always file charges by going to the police.
I can't report her to the police because i don't want my husband to find out about this.He is very jealous and controlling. I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this short skinny awful pervert ginger old woman. He is going to blame me. 4 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.

This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).
The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. I donít have an issue with lesbians doing what they do and i donít dislike them as people.I am not homophobic.Iíve been having this feeling of having been violated and I think I have been because this awful pervert woman just walked all over my boundaries.It is a very horrible feeling.I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.Iím confused and my mind doesnít stop. I really worry that Iím going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyoneís time but I had to get some of this out of my head.What is wrong with me? Is this a normal reaction to getting attackedÖto disappear into your head and go limp or rigid? Iíve never heard anyone say they did this and Iím so ashamed that I couldnít even say no or push this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman away. I have large boobs, and men like to tell me about them. Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to fuck off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it. It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.
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Old 05-16-18, 06:48 AM   #4
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Im a 45 year old man and Ive had similar problems. I used to drive for Uber and every time I picked up a gay man they would make passes at me. I even had one who was married to another man trying to convince me to get involved in gay porn with him. Luckily I was never touched or groped because then I would have gotten violent at that point. But anyway, Im frustrated because Im always completely ignored and quite rudely rejected by single attractive females while being literally harassed by gay men or extremely unattractive women. I even had my career destroyed by a female supervisor which resulted in complete financial ruin and severe emotional turmoil. I had never considered suicide until that event happened.

I think our society is a scary and dangerous place where anything terrible can happen when you least expect it. A lot of people get away with wrongdoing and even petty crimes. And there is simply no law for being mean to others.

When I started to lose hope because of these issues, I started to make major adjustments. Some adjustments didnt work out, but sometimes they made my life better. I had to learn by trial and error. The adjustment I found to be the most beneficial was solitude. When I stay home and away from everyone, including my family members, Im not exactly happy, but at least I have some peace and quiet and not enduring more drama and suffering at the hands of others. I recently took my hermit lifestyle to the next level and disconnected my phone and disowned all of my poisoness family members. I know my family wont like it, but I simply dont care. I only leave my home when its absolutely necessary.

Im really just trying to tell you that youre not alone in these types of sufferings and I think you should try making adjustments to prevent these types of events from occurring again.
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Old 05-16-18, 09:08 AM   #5
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@Marla..i read your posting..by the way==welcome into this forum...to be honest==life is not a matter about having big boobs or small boobs...it's more a matter of how people see you in certain situations...the weird skinny woman was probably one of these lesbians who go for looks and sexual attractions..she approached you the wrong way and it embarrassed you in a disturbing mental and bodily way...the fact you say your hubby is the best in the world and you saying you cheated upon his trust can be a burden not only for your own conscience but more for him...a man who really loves his women cannnot get over the fact of cheating,it very often turns into jealousy,distrust and suspicion issues...that being said you will have to pull yourself together==going to the police etc?will it really help?i doubt it?i did admire Anakins posting,i am a loner as well and loners if they can take that pressure of being on their own they stand strong because they are not bothered by outside society matters which can take extreme forms sometimes...i talk to my gf online and we understand life and how difficult it seems to be...we are growing closer...not always the easiest thing..but we're getting there...
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Old 05-16-18, 02:36 PM   #6
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@Marla..i read your posting..by the way==welcome into this forum...to be honest==life is not a matter about having big boobs or small boobs...it's more a matter of how people see you in certain situations...the weird skinny woman was probably one of these lesbians who go for looks and sexual attractions..she approached you the wrong way and it embarrassed you in a disturbing mental and bodily way...the fact you say your hubby is the best in the world and you saying you cheated upon his trust can be a burden not only for your own conscience but more for him...a man who really loves his women cannnot get over the fact of cheating,it very often turns into jealousy,distrust and suspicion issues...that being said you will have to pull yourself together==going to the police etc?will it really help?i doubt it?i did admire Anakins posting,i am a loner as well and loners if they can take that pressure of being on their own they stand strong because they are not bothered by outside society matters which can take extreme forms sometimes...i talk to my gf online and we understand life and how difficult it seems to be...we are growing closer...not always the easiest thing..but we're getting there...
Thank you i am feeling so lost.Thanks you for reading this.I feel completely used and humiliated by this total stranger woman.I know this may sound like Iím overreacting, but I genuinely felt violated.I was practically hand raped by this pervert weird short skinny mature ugly total stranger woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. I just felt so powerless.Iím so terriby deeply humiliated by her.People often think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob when i am NOTHING like that at all,i have also been told that i think i am better than everyone else.People are saying to me that i look very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.People have told me that they always thought I was stuck up or that I thought I was too good for everyone else.I hate that so muchÖ.especially because the total opposite is true.Well, this never happened to me before, until now. I am 42year old woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life.I was totally numb while she was touching me.I have no desire to do anything sexual with a women.I am 100% straight. Iíve never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.Iím posting this here since the incident was mildly traumatic for me even though I definitely wasnít raped but i really think I was sexually assaulted. I just kind of want some thoughts or advice from people and donít want to talk about it with people I know.I just kind of want to hear opinions or advice or something from someone. Should I tell my husband? I want to tell him but Im afraid that he might get mad at me or something.I need someone to talk to.I just want someone to talk to. I donít really know who.I understand that Iím being a wimp.It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 5inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why?
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Old 05-16-18, 02:38 PM   #7
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Im a 45 year old man and Ive had similar problems. I used to drive for Uber and every time I picked up a gay man they would make passes at me. I even had one who was married to another man trying to convince me to get involved in gay porn with him. Luckily I was never touched or groped because then I would have gotten violent at that point. But anyway, Im frustrated because Im always completely ignored and quite rudely rejected by single attractive females while being literally harassed by gay men or extremely unattractive women. I even had my career destroyed by a female supervisor which resulted in complete financial ruin and severe emotional turmoil. I had never considered suicide until that event happened.

I think our society is a scary and dangerous place where anything terrible can happen when you least expect it. A lot of people get away with wrongdoing and even petty crimes. And there is simply no law for being mean to others.

When I started to lose hope because of these issues, I started to make major adjustments. Some adjustments didnt work out, but sometimes they made my life better. I had to learn by trial and error. The adjustment I found to be the most beneficial was solitude. When I stay home and away from everyone, including my family members, Im not exactly happy, but at least I have some peace and quiet and not enduring more drama and suffering at the hands of others. I recently took my hermit lifestyle to the next level and disconnected my phone and disowned all of my poisoness family members. I know my family wont like it, but I simply dont care. I only leave my home when its absolutely necessary.

Im really just trying to tell you that youre not alone in these types of sufferings and I think you should try making adjustments to prevent these types of events from occurring again.
I donít want to talk about it with my friends or people I know.I wanted to share this i am to ashamed.I donít think I can discuss this verbally with anyone.If i meet this pervert woman i am going to put a lot of distance between the two of us.What if i freeze again?I donít want to go to the neighboring town because of this awful woman.I am so confused about what happened to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.Iím physically stronger.I let that weird woman get away with so much.I was totally paralyzed.I am scared to see a therapist.I am terrified that I wont be able to even tell the therapist whats wrong with me.Please be brutally honest.I suppose Iím asking the question as to whether I give off subconsicous ďplease come take advantage of meĒ signals because it was scary how easily she started touching me.And this woman is short and skinny in her mid 50s.I am physically stronger than her.Standing next to me she looked like a midget.That awful woman ruined me.I was totally paralyzed.I just collapsed into myself.I feel so humiliated.It was like i went into Ďfreezeí mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock.What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting? I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. Thatís just who I am.I love dressing up, Iíve tried dressing down, but I always end up changing. My clothes are there to be worn!People always ask me why Iím so dressed up.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when Iím dressed pretty. Once, iíd been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous Ė i said i was going shopping and she was like ďreally? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!Ē I donít mind though, iíd rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others. I feel so foolish and used by this pervert short skinny old total stranger woman.I have never had this happen to me before.I don't know what to think about what happened.I am really scared to tell my husband or anyone about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated.I feel like i am at the lowest point of my life because of my freeze response to touching and groping by this creepy repulsive short skinny pervert total stranger woman.Thanks for reading and sorry for being such a downer.
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Old 05-17-18, 09:00 AM   #8
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You have to realize that the problem isnt you. There are sick and mentally ill people running loose out there. You happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.

I think you should tell your husband. You should be able to confide in him and he should support you and help you through this. I doubt that he will be angry with you. If hes anything like me, he would probably seek some form of justice for you.

Maybe you could take some self-defense courses and buy some pepper-spray. This could give you more confidence when you are in public.
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Old 06-02-18, 07:33 PM   #9
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You have to realize that the problem isnt you. There are sick and mentally ill people running loose out there. You happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.

I think you should tell your husband. You should be able to confide in him and he should support you and help you through this. I doubt that he will be angry with you. If hes anything like me, he would probably seek some form of justice for you.

Maybe you could take some self-defense courses and buy some pepper-spray. This could give you more confidence when you are in public.
Why do I feel so ashamed to tell anyone what happened? Will it always feel like this? I'm just wondering how do you shake memories that you want to forget and cant? I just wish I could push a button in my heart and instantly fix it. Lately I've been wondering why I was molested by this total stranger short skinny hideous old woman? I know I could have probably stopped her...but I just want to know why she has done this to me. Am I an easy target? Do I have grope me on the top of my forehead and I can't see it? Is it my fault? .It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 5inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why? Did I gave her signals that screamed grope me? Will I ever know the answer?

I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being sexually abused? The main question is: Is this situation my fault?
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