Thereís a lot going on with me and I donít know where to even start. I feel so depressed and anxious all the time that I feel that I can't live anymore. From childhood, Iíve been surrounded by many toxic people who have always tried to dominate and make me feel inferior. Because of this Iíve developed a defense mechanism of acting on everything on the basis of ďself respectĒ. Since everyone around me were real ďbad guysĒ, I was convinced that I am the innocent ďgood guyĒ who can never be evil and wrong as I never hurt anyone. As I was suffering from an inferiority complex(which I still do), I always looked for validation and assurance from others around me that I am different and better from the toxic ones. This led me to do good to others purely for the intent of being validated as the good guy and NOT because I was selfless and pure in my deeds. Never realized until recently that not having bad intentions is not good enough to be a good person. One needs to also have ďselflessĒ good intentions and really care to be a good person. And it was too late by the time I realized this, I was convinced that I am ďTHE good guyĒ who canít ever go wrong. To live in the bubble of being the good guy, I always tried to cover up my faults and mistakes with arguments, reasoning and explanations. I have developed such a deep instinct to look at everyone as the enemy and never let my guard down to accept and apologize wholeheartedly for my mistakes.
Iím really grateful to my partner who made me realize this fault in me that I really canít agree that Iím wrong wholeheartedly.
Iím really being a bad person to everyone around me not because I have done things with the intent of hurting them but because I promise them love from my side but I donít actually give a damn about them. I feel as if I socialize only for being treated and validated as the good guy. I feel so fake from inside that I feel terrible and ashamed about my life. I feel Iíve let down all my loved ones and I feel so numb. The reason being all my emotions and bonds are being overpowered by my ignorance and me being self centered. Everyday, I really try to change and try to keep in mind the mistakes which I have done today to not repeat them the next day but every single time I fail. The sad part is this has been going on everyday for more than 2 years now and I feel so drained and exhausted to the core and I feel like just giving up but every night I tell myself that, ďjust a little more effortĒ. Literally the next morning, I repeat the same mistakes of not caring enough about others and going back to my own bubble where I am the innocent one who hasnít done anything wrong. The worst part is, I know what my real faults are and yet every single time I repeat it, I fool myself that this time the reason is not ignorance but something really genuine and fall back in the same bubble.
This has really caused a lot of drifts between me and my loved ones, especially my partner because he gave away his everything in trying to develop me as a person and make me pure inside out. I apologized every time and promised them to change myself and yet I have repeated my mistakes. Now, it has come to a point that they have given up on me and now they just respond to my apologies by being really rude. And even then I canít be submissive to calm them down and I canít take their anger as a consequence to the pain I have caused them. I trigger my ďself respectĒ as I feel that my consistent mistakes have led them to hate me and now they just wish bad on me. I now treat them as enemies in front of whom I should never let my guard down as they are the one who just want to point me out and who are willingly not respecting and accepting my apologies. I feel that the damage they have caused me has come to the extent that I feel numb and heartbroken. I feel that they have been equal contributors in killing the hope that the bond can change and become better. One moment I curse myself that if I never made any mistakes then I would have never hurt them and they would have never hurt me back and the other moment I feel itís really unfair that Iím being pointed out as the whole and sole reason for destroying every positivity and hope in the bond.
And now, I donít know why Iím trying to reach out for help. Is it because I really want to change and give back to my loved ones? Or is it because I want to change so that I can be called the ďgood personĒ and I can live in my bubble again? I donít really knowÖ
I donít know if I made any sense to you all
, but if anyone can understand my condition, please suggest to me how to improve as a person. Any information on books, articles or any trivial sources for self improv/dealing with past mistakes would be of great help. Thanks in advance!