so for as long as i can remember ive had disturbing sexual thoughts, usually starting with memories of sexual abuse, i was brainwashed into doing stuff with older men and other kids. at first the memories would spin off into dark fantasies. as a result i no longer feel beautiful now that ive gone through puberty. before i knew it the thoughts would be triggered just by the sight of children. then, i dont remember when, but the thoughts became violent and sexual later turning very graphic.. and the worst part is i cant shake thoughts of guilt or shame after each disturbing image, especially the thoughts of pedophilia. a few years ago the thoughts started turning towards myself, usually self harm or suicidal thoughts that pop out of nowhere, often triggered by the sight of something dangerous like a sharp object or a tall tower. and i often have thoughts of self hate... ive heard these things in my head so long i feel like i believe them. this has ruined my life, with triggers around every corner i started to isolate, never made any friends and as a result the thoughts have allot of free time to haunt my every day. ive tried looking for help with the sexual thoughts of minors but i cant find any.