so for as long as i can remember ive had disturbing sexual thoughts, usually starting with memories of sexual abuse, i was brainwashed into doing stuff with older men and other kids. at first the memories would spin off into dark fantasies. as a result i no longer feel beautiful now that ive gone through puberty. before i knew it the thoughts would be triggered just by the sight of children. then, i dont remember when, but the thoughts became violent and sexual later turning very graphic.. and the worst part is i cant shake thoughts of guilt or shame after each disturbing image, especially the thoughts of pedophilia. a few years ago the thoughts started turning towards myself, usually self harm or suicidal thoughts that pop out of nowhere, often triggered by the sight of something dangerous like a sharp object or a tall tower. and i often have thoughts of self hate... ive heard these things in my head so long i feel like i believe them. this has ruined my life, with triggers around every corner i started to isolate, never made any friends and as a result the thoughts have allot of free time to haunt my every day. ive tried looking for help with the sexual thoughts of minors but i cant find any.

i also hear voices like there are other people in my head. often feeling like they respond to my dark thoughts feeding into the shame even more.

Hi CalBlaze42,

I did a little searching for you and found this Worried About Your Own Thoughts And Behaviors | Stop It Now

Maybe that could be a start? You might also contact one of the other larger sites such as RAINN or 1in6.org and ask them to point you towards a place for support

I'm sorry for all you've been through, and that you are struggling with this. It's so good that you want to address it, and are taking these steps to find support and help with this. I also think it would help a lot to meet with a professional.

the obsessions have ruined my life. the self hate has gotten so bad that i drove everyone away during a really bad psychotic melt down and told everyone that who ever loves me is "either an idiot or just as sick as i am, and that by wanting me alive is just prolonging my suffering" and every time i go to the mental hospital nobody there wants to help me. but i do want the help. i dont really think im a pedophile, just messed up from sexual abuse. and i want better self esteem, but i dont think thats possible now that im ugly from self harm.

thank you for taking your time to research. if only my therapist and the doctors at mental hospitals took the initiative, every time i bring it up they try to change the subject back to drug use. i sometimes use but i dont have a problem, for me the thoughts and triggers are the problem.. if only more people cared about that.