OK, this might come across a total gibberish much like the majority of my shit.
I need to just get this out, and I'm putting it here largely due to the fact that OCD is the only real diagnosis I have gotten in my life. Not at all because that is all that is wrong with me by any stretch. I know there is more. I'm pretty sure it could get ugly it I allowed myself to have continued with the doctor. Its getting so bad that I actually had to call a number the other day. Not much came of it other than what I already know I need to do already. Get help AGAIN. This is the problem now. I decided to cut myself off from treatment completely early this year. I've dealt with my crap most of my life by becoming a nasty huge drug addict and alcoholic. Just great, huh! Well, I managed to quit the majority of drugs I was on. I won't disclose just how other than to say, my supply was cut off. I'm truly glad as I would've never gotten off the shit had that not happened. However, I'm back to drinking again, and much more than even for me.
Why am I writing this, not sure really. Nobody can really help another person over the internet, I know that.
Well, here it is - what I'm terribly obsessing about most of the day while not drunk anyway.
I had not choice but to cut off what little friends I had. It was for the best for myself and them. Its not fair to burden another person when I know damn well they are going through their own stuff. That is the biggest part anyway. Also I only found out last month while stumbling onto some old websites I used to visit, that most of them turned on each other and in an awful way. Actually, I could hardly believe my eyes.
Back on track gene.
I'm surprised at just how badly I'm doing right now with this. I did have several casual online friends. I had to let their emails go unanswered, because, I would get one from one person saying "dont trust so-and-so" Then, an email from the person I'm not supposed to trust telling me not to trust them. WTF!!! What's eating me up though, is I had a extremely close friend that I opened up my entire life to. He did the same (I think)...
I had to close my email because I just didn't know, or what to say anymore. He is the ONLY person that actually knows of a major diagnosis I have not MH related. He actually went through I with my most of 2012 up until early this year. I think we had a special bond that is unusual really. I think there is such a think as becoming too attached. Besides, I do love to just talk shit and joke. Hell, its a great distraction to lives problems. That was no longer happening anyway. I'm not going to start trolling as I used to ever again. It was harmless anyway nonsense anyway. The last thing I want is another website.
I'm quite concerned though for several reasons. Not so much about my safety oddly enough. I will be relocating shortly anyway. I love being alone as I've always been just a drifter anyway.
If I can't somehow get this under control, I might wind up committed again. I'm trying to prevent this as I need to get out of here.
I've pulled the covers over my head though. Meaning, I've cut off all email contact and have to just wonder. God, I just go over and over and over it while pacing. I have no choice but to think there was at least some honestly from most of the folks I've talked to. People turn on each other in the end anyway for a number of reasons. Some of those reasons I'll just never know. That doesn't mean they didn't care in some way. I still care and hope for the best.
Some old habits are starting to present again with the damn light switches. I have to again let somebody else turn out the lights.
I'm so ashamed of myself in all honesty