The song of the day is "Snuff" by Slipknot.
With that in mind, my rant is about intrusive thoughts that should just die away in my head. But no. They haunt me day and night. Maybe "dead memories" by slipknot would have been a better song of the day, but my thoughts are about the one and only man that has ever out of my 26 years of existence EVER broke my heart. I don't know if it's my perfectionist nature or the fact that I still love him; although, it's been 9 years. It drives me so crazy. I'm so mad at myself that I'm trapped in my own head about this. I have blocked him from all social media and on my phone. I never go back to my home town anymore in fear of running into him. I dumped all my past high school friends, because he hangs out with them. I act like nothing is wrong and the fact is....everything is wrong. It's so wrong. Why am I fixated on this moment in time? I've had other boyfriends and partners and am leading a great life. I have no other complaints. My bipolar and OCD are for the most part under control BUT this haunts me. It never gets easier. Only hurts more and more the times I allow myself to think about it. I have recently experimented with my medication and am trying a new prescription for my OCD. I'm detoxing from the other one so for now, my thoughts are directed to him, again. It is better with medication BUT with the one I was on, it worked so well that I could not remember anything. Like what I had for breakfast or WHAT I'M CURRENTLY WEARING; I'd have to look down and look. My work establishment was beginning to notice. Side not, I don't tell anyone about my personal problems. No one knows outside my family. Which is why I love this site. I'm just upset and hurt all over again. I hate that it never ends. That I'm forced into this moment every time I breathe..every time I close my eyes..every time I listen to his music. I want it to end. I don't even want to be with him. I do everything in my power to avoid everything. You probably think I'm a crazy ex But no. I am the most stable person you'll ever meet. But what goes on in my head is just to powerful for me to let go. I've failed at other things in life and don't obsess about them. Why is he so different? Why am I so drawn to loving someone I hate so damn much?? I'm at a loss. I am counting the days until I can go back on my new medication. I hope it works, but I'm still able to remember things other than him. I don't know how to get rid of him. He's always going to haunt me....isn't he?
Anyone have any tips or insight? I'd greatly appreciate some support from someone who knows what it's life to have intrusive thoughts and a perfectionist nature. I can't talk about it anywhere else..