where the fuck is my libido?
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where the fuck is my libido?

This is a discussion on where the fuck is my libido? within the Male Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Hey everone, I just wanted to express my utter frustration with my extremely low libido, which is bothering me since ...

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Old 06-16-09, 09:12 PM   #1
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Default where the fuck is my libido?

Hey everone,

I just wanted to express my utter frustration with my extremely low libido, which is bothering me since I now have a girlfriend, going on two weeks now.

Is this something that is affecting many other people?

I think it's strange, usually at the outset of a new relationship, the sex is great and frequent, but this is different. I don't really have any desire to have sex, even though I find her EXTREMELY sexually attractive.

We have had sex a fair bit considering the situation I'm in, and I can usually work myself into the mood. However, I find myself just doing it because I think she expects it. She has commented how we don't have sex very often (even though we have sex every second day, maybe more on average).

I also went soft during sex last week, which is totally not like me. It feels like my insecurities are getting the better of me now, and now the fact that I know I have gone soft once eats me up inside and I'm scared it'll happen again, because she thought it was a reflection on her performance, and took it personally.

I tried to explain to her that the medication I'm on right now causes decreased libido and erectile dysfunction, but she still felt responsible for it (even though I had this problem with my last girlfriend a few months ago, when I wasn't on medication).

She has her period now, and I'm kind of enjoying not having the pressure to have sex. I feel like I'm not a guy, I should love sex, but I don't, it's like a chore now. I'm actually considering giving up my meds because of it, that's how much I just want to be able to enjoy sex again.

It's strange because I am an attractive guy (It's not that I'm narcissistic, but I'm told often that I am - was voted hottest guy in my college), with a good body, but I still feel insecure about so much, and now this sexual performance pressure is just adding to the weight I have to bear.

I was also considering just going back to being friends because of it. I enjoy her company so much, to the point I would rather cuddle and talk all night than have sex, but she is really horny all the time :( --> I guess I have to laugh at the role reversal.. lol.

It's strange also, because I don't have a problem when I'm looking at porn or when I'm having a one night stand (making me think it is more so the mental element than the medication).

Fuck, sorry for the rant, it's just bothering me a lot this week.

Peace,

Rory.





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He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace

Last edited by rory1989; 06-16-09 at 09:15 PM.
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Old 06-17-09, 09:08 AM   #2
 
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Hey Rory,

I say to try and explain to her exactly how you feel, so she understands that it's not her, and so that you won't feel obligated to have sex when you don't want to. If you're feeling pressure, then it will probably get worst by that feeling. I say lay it all on the table and talk about it as much as you two can so that both parties feel like they understand and are willing to help each other.

I hope this sounds logical...

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Old 06-17-09, 10:25 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by rory1989 View Post
I also went soft during sex last week, which is totally not like me. It feels like my insecurities are getting the better of me now, and now the fact that I know I have gone soft once eats me up inside and I'm scared it'll happen again, because she thought it was a reflection on her performance, and took it personally.
This happens to everyone once in a while, and it sure is embarrassing and awkward. From my own experience, nothing makes me go soft faster than when I start to worry about going soft. Once the worry and self-doubt starts, it's a slippery slope from there. It's important to focus on the pleasure of sex than getting caught up in performance mind-traps - but this is unfortunately much easier said than done. If you do go soft, it's not the end of the world - pull out, don't make a big deal about it, and use your mouth and hands to pleasure her for a bit. You'll probably be hard again in no time if you can get your mind off it.

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It's strange also, because I don't have a problem when I'm looking at porn or when I'm having a one night stand (making me think it is more so the mental element than the medication).
There's less pressure to perform when you're masturbating, or you're having a one night stand and you know you'll never see the person again. It's probably a combination of the medication and mindset - the low libido effect of medication make any self-doubt, mind wandering, etc. affect you more than it would without meds.

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Originally Posted by rory1989 View Post
I feel like I'm not a guy, I should love sex, but I don't, it's like a chore now. I'm actually considering giving up my meds because of it, that's how much I just want to be able to enjoy sex again.
It's definitely worth talking to your doctor about. Personally I don't consider sexual side effects to be tolerable at all, it's not a part of life that people should have to make sacrifices in imo. Some people consider it worth the trade-off if their meds are working though, I mean depression is a freakin horrible thing to live with, so give it some thought and see what your doctor says. Depending on what medication is working for you, there might be an alternative that has less chance of sexual side effects - wellbutrin is a good one in this respect, and one that worked well for me.

One thing that helps me when my sex drive bottoms out is avoid having an orgasm for a couple days. It's like rebooting the system, and I feel much more virile for weeks afterwards. 4-7 days without one should make a noticeable difference. This doesn't necessarily mean avoiding sex altogether during this time, just don't let yourself go all the way to orgasm.

A couple other suggestions... performance-wise, morning is a better time for sex than the evenings; as you may have read on another thread here, hormones are higher in the mornings than at night. Regular cardio exercise can be a big help - it increases hormone levels, and since erections are based on blood flow, you'll see some improvements there after a couple weeks.
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Old 06-17-09, 10:33 AM   #4
 
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Depression can have an effect on your libido - sorry to jump in on a male issues thread but I had this problem for MONTHS at a time in the past...just sex wasn't that hot...and dude, my bf at the time outdid any pornstar I ever saw! Go figure...I still didn't feel into it at all.

It'll be tough explaining this one to a chick...but if she's got a brain it should be ok. If she has a problem with it its either 1. she thinks its her and you're lying or 2. she might think its happened before and you're lying...but if she knows about the depression etc. then she'll have to know its not 2...and you can explain and make up for 1. so don't stress k. and don't mess up treatment for sex...esp. when you're actually not bothered to not have sex, you would only be doing it so you fit the 'male' and 'must love sex' mould...PLEASE-we women love sex too, we just don't wanna give up our cards to men lol

I know for a fact it can be linked to depression though cause itried to get the sex drive itself treated lol (i was really bothered at the time...) and they said they can't cause my depression was probably the cause and additional treatments would possibly mess up the depression treatment or something. But this was women's meds which were not tested enough or something, i'm sure viagra is ok though...and it does the job! for 4 hours i hear - so maybe better than you even lol :P (i'm kidding)

Anyway, I hope this helps mate ;-)

PS. You mentioned a drinking thing a while back so I don't advice that, but smoke a joint etc. and that gets you back in action (at least for me, i'm female...i dunno if weed gives boys the opposite effect...????) - anyway find a subsitute that is non-addictive and non-alcohol please!!! (i'd hate to give you more problems lol) ...but intoxication ALWAYS works

Last edited by sybil08; 06-17-09 at 10:36 AM.
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Old 06-17-09, 08:52 PM   #5
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Thanks everyone,

It's still bothering me, but she still has her period (for another 2 days), so I've got a bit of a break. I think the stress i'm under with exams at the moment is really wearing me thin too (i'm a complete mess actually). They will be over in 5 days though so I should be alright after that.

Voudou, thanks, I really do want to talk to her about it (she knows I'm on medication, and I've told her I am going through a rough patch, but I don't think she knows the extent just yet. We have only been officially dating for like 2 weeks, and have only really been sleeping together for a month, known her for like 2 months, so I don't know if it is too soon to start telling her my life story). I don't know, it's hard to open up to people like this. I don't want to push her away by seeming like a little pansy-boy. That is the worst part of being a male I think, the stigma with expressing emotion... FML, lol.

Numb, I think you made a good point in saying that:

"From my own experience, nothing makes me go soft faster than when I start to worry about going soft. Once the worry and self-doubt starts, it's a slippery slope from there. It's important to focus on the pleasure of sex than getting caught up in performance mind-traps - but this is unfortunately much easier said than done."

That is totally true, it's the biggest shit of a situation. The problem is, I never used to have this problem. I was "the man" during sex before, I used to thrive off it, it was special every time me and my ex did it, and now it's just this "thing" I do. Half the time, I'm usually thinking in my head "fuck it's 1am, if we have sex now I wont get to sleep until 2", and usually makes me just roll over and go to sleep.

You also made a point about mind wandering, that affects me so badly as well, I can't even concentrate enough to keep my mind on sex, I'll start thinking about all sorts of random shit. I know it's a focus game, and I can focus my attention if I try, but it's getting really hard (no pun intended, lol).

I'll ask my doc about wellbutrin, see what he thinks, I'm currently on Effexor.

Sybil, fancy seeing you here right? lol. I don't think it's serious enough to go and see a sex therapist about, but I might mention something to my therapist next time I see her, see what she thinks, if she has any advice etc. It might be a bit embarressing talking to her about my sex life, but eh... fuck it.

As per your little intoxication theory, I find alcohol (in small amounts) works well, but I don't smoke pot (reason being I had a really bad experience one time, got really paranoid, comepletely flipped out), so I don't really think that would help my situation at all.. haha. I used to drink a lot, when me and my ex girlfriend would drink, the sex was great, I used to find it helped me hold off the orgasm for a while longer, but that isn't a problem now, I go for ever now even without it, that's if i'm lucky enough to even reach an orgasm. I can't count the amount of times I've faked an orgasm just so I could go to sleep :(

I'm not drinking any more though, so that kinda goes out the window. The alcohol was becoming a real problem for me (see my thread about it in substance abuse), and I decided I wanted to live without it (alcoholism is a big problem in my family).

Thanks guys again, keep the replies coming.

Rory.
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If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

Just because you might feel your life is meaningless it does not mean you are, your life is still evolving, you can make it what you want and if its meaningless now, who cares? Tomorrow, it can be different. - sybil08

He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace
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Old 06-17-09, 10:37 PM   #6
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Oh and in another note,

I'm a sucker for emotional sex, as opposed to no-strings-attached sex.

I really want to tell her I love her, and I know that will make the sex better, but I don't want to scare her off. Every time we have sex I have to bite my tongue when I think of screaming out how much I love her.

I don't think I actually do love her though (even though I know I am falling for her more and more every day, and it wont be long before I will feel very strongly for her), I just like the idea of love, and what it can bring to the table. I like the idea of being loved, and of being IN love. I think I fantasize about it way more than a normal 19 yr old male would, but fuck it, the world revolves around love and lust and sex and dreams in my opinion. Money and power and cars and humour and charm and everything in between are just a means to an ends, it's so fucking obvious.

I don't even know how I got onto this subject, it's just my opinion on the issue, eh...

I'm going to enjoy sex from now on, I just want to tell her I love her, let it enfold me, but she is a complete commitment-phobe (as am I for a matter of fact, but for different reasons) and I don't want to scare her off.

I had a realisation last night that I really care for her. She told me a few things (which I will go into another time perhaps), and I felt the burning inside that is otherwise known as jealousy. I was so angry at her for making me care enough about her to make me jealous. I'm not a jealous person, I like having my own space, without anyone allowing me to feel that way for them, I don't want to be hurt again. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to fall into this hole as well..

Well how very contradictory am I right now? On one hand I want to fall in love, on the other, I don't want to let someone get close enough that they can make me feel like shit, I AM A COMPLETE EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL FUCK UP.

See my post in "depression poetry" called "untitled"... it's about the way I feel about her. I don't feel like I'm good for her, and due to my inability to function normally, I'll just end up hurting her in the long run. I also don't want to be hurt myself. I told her last night that I thought I was a complete fuck-up emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially. In every which way I can think of, I feel like a failure. She told me I wasn't, of course, and that I make her really happy (actually the way she put it was: "well I have always been happy, but I guess you just make me happy for other reasons, it's good to have someone to cuddle at night... hehe", which really bugged me, since I was a complete mess before I met her, and she makes me really happy, but I feel as though I'm leaning too much onto this relationship, and that it means more to me than her).

Thanks for letting me vent :P

Rory.
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If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

Just because you might feel your life is meaningless it does not mean you are, your life is still evolving, you can make it what you want and if its meaningless now, who cares? Tomorrow, it can be different. - sybil08

He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace
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Old 06-18-09, 07:27 PM   #7
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Update:

OK so last night we were talking and she made the following comments:

"We don't have as much sex as I used to with my last boyfriend"

- As for this comment, it didn't make me jealous as much as it just turned me off having sex with her for reasons I don't even know. It bugged me so much, because I don't think she could ever understand what it is like to be going through what I am right now. I wish she would understand that I WANT to be able to have sex three times a day, but I just don't have the energy. It bugged me also because she still speaks to her ex a lot and they are good friends. I was good friends with him too, but he is a bit of a jackass, he moved out of college last year though, and I don't see him much these days. They talk and hang out a lot, and she talks about him every day, all these problems he has and I know she cares, but I just want her to care about me as much as she cares about him. They have been best friends since grade 9 (only dated for 2 years though), so I should cut him a bit of slack. If I could tell you how many girls I know he has screwed over though it would make you sick, too may to count.

Ok, for the next comment, this was the deal-breaker. Made me so angry:

"Do you think the reason you went soft last week was because you are gay? You can just tell me..."

- FUCK, who says that? Yeah idiot, I've had sex with more girls than I can count, but I'm gay? And no, that isn't a comment made in denial, I genuinely enjoy sex with females. How could she not see that by making this comment, she was making me more insecure about the whole issue and increasing the chances of it happening again? What I think bugged me the most about this comment was that I HAVE in fact been insecure about my sexuality for most of my life, and I guess in some respects, I am probably bi-sexual. Only in the respect that I can appreciate a good looking male, without actually wanting to have sex with him (I once read a theory about females fantasising over pictures of models, where it was proposed that they were not fantasising about being WITH them, but more they were fantasising about BEING them, I guess this applies to me - and most males of they were completely honest with themselves - and probably is rooted in my self-esteem issues). I know that I'm straight though. People have often asked me if I was gay. What's wrong with a sensitive male who looks after his appearance and body though? This comment tipped me over the edge and I didn't really talk to her much for the rest of the night, just sulked, and I'm still sort of thinking about it now, the next day. Also, on the sulking issue, I can't ever express my emotions, I just sulk, it's fucking annoying, I just wish I had the balls to express myself. I find the only times I ever express what I'm really feeling, I do it with sarcasm and humour, so that if it is taken wrongly, I can fall back and say it was a joke. I guess this is probably a defence mechanism, never letting anyone get too close.

Thanks, just thought I would let you know what I was thinking on the subject as of today.

Thanks again,

Rory.
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If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

Just because you might feel your life is meaningless it does not mean you are, your life is still evolving, you can make it what you want and if its meaningless now, who cares? Tomorrow, it can be different. - sybil08

He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace
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Old 06-18-09, 09:08 PM   #8
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Oh man... I've tried many different ADs and Effexor was the worst for me when it came to sex drive. Not just sex drive, but genital sensitivity got horrible as well. I didn't actually realize how bad it was until I switched to another AD. I bet that a big part of your problems are because sex just doesn't feel as good anymore, right? Sure sounds like that's the case from what you've described.

If you do choose to stop using it (with your doctor's advice of course), you might have something to look forward to when you start lowering your dose. In my experience, my sex drive and sensitivity got about ten times stronger than normal for a couple weeks before it returned to normal levels (normal meaning before I started Effexor)... it was quite fun period actually! I mention this because I did begin to have the same problems you're having, and then I started to worry that it might be permanent, so let me say it's not permanent, and I bet you'd be back on track (sexually at least... the depression is of course another issue altogether) if you switched to another AD.

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Originally Posted by rory1989 View Post
I like the idea of being loved, and of being IN love. I think I fantasize about it way more than a normal 19 yr old male would...
Oh I doubt that! You just have the balls to admit it. I think many guys don't like to admit to it because it makes them vulnerable, and guys are conditioned to avoid admitting vulnerability because of bullshit masculine ideals in our society. Personally I think it's more masculine to say how you feel without giving a shit what other people think than to be silent about it in order to fit in with the flock, so kudos to you!

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Originally Posted by rory1989 View Post
"Do you think the reason you went soft last week was because you are gay? You can just tell me..."
"Do you think the reason you went soft last week was because you are gay? You can just tell me..."
I don't know what to say about these comments other than she sounds very young... I'm sure she doesn't mean to be insensitive, she just doesn't know yet how deep comments like this can cut. You had a good vent about it though, I agree with pretty much everything you said.
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Old 06-19-09, 12:59 AM   #9
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I agree with Numb about the Effexor. I'm currently on it and am having problems getting off because of it. My gf thought it was her, but, after talking it over with her multiple times, she finally understands it's the medicine. Since the effexor seems to be working and my gf is okay with the sexual side effects, I'm staying on it. However, if you really have a problem with it, I agree with Numb that you should get on a different AD. Oh, also, it might talk a while to fully explain what's going on to your gf, but I think that'll she'll eventually understand. I know it might me difficult to reach that point, but things go much smoother once you do.

Again, I agree with Numb about many 19 yr old males idealizing be in love. For example, I'm a 19 yr old male and I feel the same exact way. Just saying...

Anyway, I hope this all smooths over for you. I'm sorry that you had to go through this too.
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Old 06-19-09, 01:36 AM   #10
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Thanks guys,

Will get back to replying another time, got an exam to get to now :D

Peace,

Rory.
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If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

Just because you might feel your life is meaningless it does not mean you are, your life is still evolving, you can make it what you want and if its meaningless now, who cares? Tomorrow, it can be different. - sybil08

He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. -Horace
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