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It's so unfair

This is a discussion on It's so unfair within the Male Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Originally Posted by blue229 I hope I don't come across as being that ancient lol. I'm still in my mid ...

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Old 07-23-16, 03:20 AM   #11
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I hope I don't come across as being that ancient lol. I'm still in my mid 30s!
lol, no. I wasn't implying that. I have siblings around your age. A lot changes in a decade though.

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I found it nerve racking approaching girls when I was younger so I did try different ways such as online, friends would set me up on blind dates or I would get to know girls as friends first before asking them out. I'm sure a lot of guys get nervous when it comes to dating, others probably try to hide it or mask it with Dutch Courage. The game isn't easy for a lot of guys, but it does have its rewards and many find that they have a lot of fun along the way.
"Nerve wracking" doesn't come close to describing what I feel when talking to girls (or people in general). I can't imagine it being a very fun or rewarding process when I feel like I'm going to throw up and pass out within 2 minutes of talking to any attractive female. Sounds more like torture. I might be ok if I was drunk... But then again most girls are repulsed by me so it probably wouldn't make a difference.

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You sound like a decent guy and I'm sure you would treat a woman extremely well. I have to say I agree with mmch85 in that it would be better to get to know them as friends first. I don't mean friendzoning, just getting to know their background before taking it to another level. If you want someone who hasn't slept around, it will be easier to find out first by the way they talk about past relationships etc.

I won't pretend to know how social anxiety feels but it is my understanding that it would make communication with others in social situations extremely difficult. I have bipolar and general anxiety so totally different diagnoses to what you are experiencing.Relationships all have to have communication before they can form, so this is the biggest obstacle. I can't remember if you recieve treatment for this, if so could you talk to your therapist about alternatives if it's not working? Does your college campus have counsellors you can talk to? Maybe you could start another thread on this forum asking for fellow sufferers to share their thoughts or suggestions for managing the anxiety. Just a thought.
"extremely difficult" lol. Man, I might as well be a mute. This is exactly why the whole relationship thing is impossible for me. Being able to socialize is a minimum requirement and I can't do it.

I've lost count of how many mental health professionals I've seen over the years. None of them helped me. I attended an outpatient program at a hospital for several months and that didn't even make a difference. I've lost faith in the system at this point. I don't think anyone understands or knows how to treat this disorder.

Sorry if this is too depressing. I just need to vent sometimes. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.

Last edited by Black Sheep; 07-23-16 at 03:25 AM.
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Old 07-24-16, 07:48 AM   #12
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Sorry if this is too depressing. I just need to vent sometimes. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
I'm sorry you are going through this and that so many mental health professionals have not helped. I wish I had answers but I'm no expert and all I can really do is pray for you.

You have every right to vent and be frustrated with your situation. I read one of your other posts about how your siblings have treated you. It is so unfair and won't help your self esteem at all.

Last edited by blue229; 07-24-16 at 07:51 AM.
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Old 08-12-16, 10:19 PM   #13
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I'm not sure what it helps, but I felt similar to you through my teens and in my early 20's.

I resent not having the opportunity to explore relationships with more people, and honestly it presents its own strange set of problems... But as far as sex and experience goes, for whatever it's worth it proved to be a non-issue, despite how frustrated and angry it had made me...

Speaking from my experience, sex is sort of like swearing... It's exciting, mysterious, and super-meaningful until your life shifts and suddenly you're allowed to do it, and nobody treats it like a big deal anymore... Then it's just kind of there as part of your social repertoire...

I guess on some level I'm trying to say that hopefully you might recognize that your reaction is biased based on your current circumstances and history, so you're inclined to view things through a subjective lens.

You're allowed to feel however you feel, it's healthy and there's nothing wrong with it... But sometimes a shift in perspective can make a big difference.
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Old 08-12-16, 10:26 PM   #14
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Wish I could help more with the social anxiety... I'm still navigating that myself.
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Old 08-22-16, 11:04 PM   #15
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I'm not sure what it helps, but I felt similar to you through my teens and in my early 20's.

I resent not having the opportunity to explore relationships with more people, and honestly it presents its own strange set of problems... But as far as sex and experience goes, for whatever it's worth it proved to be a non-issue, despite how frustrated and angry it had made me...

Speaking from my experience, sex is sort of like swearing... It's exciting, mysterious, and super-meaningful until your life shifts and suddenly you're allowed to do it, and nobody treats it like a big deal anymore... Then it's just kind of there as part of your social repertoire...

I guess on some level I'm trying to say that hopefully you might recognize that your reaction is biased based on your current circumstances and history, so you're inclined to view things through a subjective lens.

You're allowed to feel however you feel, it's healthy and there's nothing wrong with it... But sometimes a shift in perspective can make a big difference.
so you got laid and suddenly it wasn't a big deal? How depressing. People always take what they have for granted. Seems like human beings are never satisfied.

This is one of the few things I want in life. Then I can die in peace.

Last edited by Black Sheep; 08-22-16 at 11:09 PM.
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Old 08-22-16, 11:07 PM   #16
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Speaking from my experience, sex is sort of like swearing... It's exciting, mysterious, and super-meaningful until your life shifts and suddenly you're allowed to do it, and nobody treats it like a big deal anymore... Then it's just kind of there as part of your social repertoire...
See, that's part of the problem. By the time I get what I want in life now, I probably won't give a fuck because I've been waiting so damn long. So it's like, why even bother going on if I'll never be happy?

Last edited by Black Sheep; 08-22-16 at 11:10 PM.
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Old 08-23-16, 06:10 AM   #17
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I can sort of relate. I have been wanting to go to Brazil since age 12. Now I'm 33. I speak Portuguese. I've taken classes about the language, politics, and culture. I've had Brazilian friends. I saw the World Cup. I saw the Olympics. I could go on like this. But I have yet to see it. It's one of the few things I want in life before I die. I fear I will die never getting to see Brazil. What if, because I'm a smoker, I get lung cancer? Then I'll never be able to go.

People did study abroad in college. I was too depressed to be able to do it. I had a teacher recommendation and a research topic for study abroad in Brazil for four friggin months. It fell through.

Like you, I have passed the stage where people go to Brazil to party and enjoy the culture. That's for people in their 20s.

Now people are saying it's dangerous, with the Zica virus, crime, the government falling apart, etc.

I feel like by the time I get to see the place, I'll be too old to enjoy it.
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Old 08-27-17, 02:42 AM   #18
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I can say this much, misogyny and jelously aren't going to help in finding someone. You won't find love if you hold so much bitterness twoards people more experienced than you. It's okay to be a virgin or inexperienced just as it's okay to have an active sex life.
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Old 08-28-17, 10:59 AM   #19
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I can say this much, misogyny and jelously aren't going to help in finding someone. You won't find love if you hold so much bitterness twoards people more experienced than you. It's okay to be a virgin or inexperienced just as it's okay to have an active sex life.
That's a lie. Any male adult who's still a virgin is invariably treated with ridicule and hatred by everyone more experienced. And they sure as hell won't let their victims escape that pit of ostracism, so it only gets harder and more horrible for male virgins. We weren't the top of the chain when we were younger, so we're condemned to a life of being treated as less than human.
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