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I will never have a girlfriend

This is a discussion on I will never have a girlfriend within the Male Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Originally Posted by SensualGirl 1. You can be lonely WITH people or alone and not lonely 2. Validate yourself. Intimacy ...

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Old 02-14-16, 11:12 AM   #21
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1. You can be lonely WITH people or alone and not lonely
2. Validate yourself. Intimacy part understood.
3. Love yourself.
4. You can't be a relationship to boost your self-worth.
5. Maybe...
6. "Someone is boring me. I think it's me." If you're bored, are you boring?
7. People's opinion of you isn't that important. Who cares about status. I'm part of a high status family but I'm low status. I don't care.
8. You can't get your sense of life purpose through someone else. You can't expect someone to fix your whole life.
I understand that you may feel different. I used to tell myself all the time that relationships didn't matter to me, but eventually that changed. Consider it a blessing if none of this stuff bothers you.

1. If you're feeling lonely in a relationship, it means it probably isn't fulfilling you in some way. But being connected with others is the only way to overcome loneliness. That's common sense.

2. I can't. I need validation from others. I think everyone does to an extent. It's just that those who constantly receive it take it for granted and aren't even aware of it. There is no such thing as confidence without external validation. Perhaps my need for it is a little higher than most people, but that's just the way I am

3. I can't. There is nothing to love.

4. What? A lot of people's sense of self-worth comes from their relationships. I can't feel lovable if no one likes or accepts me. Feeling loved/valued/desired is a fundamental need for most human beings. I'd go as far as saying that's why a lot of us are in this mess to begin with. It would be great if I could just eliminate this need altogether. But short of having a lobotomy, I don't see how that's possible.

5. What do you mean by "maybe?" LOL. I'm talking about my feelings here.

6. I don't understand what you're trying to say with this point. Maybe you misunderstood me. I meant that I want someone to have fun and enjoy life with. You're going to suggest that I can do that by myself? Well, I can't anymore. I've been entertaining myself for over a decade now and it's not enough. I'm always bored. It's just not as rewarding as doing things with other people or having a social life.

7. I care about status and reputation. It's very important to me. You can imagine then how frustrating it is to be labelled a "low status male" or a "beta."

8. I think having good relationships is essential to being happy. And this is supported by a great deal of scientific research. Therefore if I had these things, it would "fix" my life because most of my needs would be met.

Last edited by Black Sheep; 02-14-16 at 11:16 AM.
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Old 02-14-16, 11:34 AM   #22
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ETA: most people get their sense of purpose in life through other people. Perfect example is how the vast majority of people's lives revolve around taking care of and raising their children. My mother has said that the only thing that gives her life meaning is her children. Take that away and she's got nothing left.

Think of the millions of people working at jobs they hate every day of their life. If we had a choice and our survival didn't depend on it, do you think anyone would do this? No. So why do people do it? It's because they have other people to motivate them (e.g. children, spouses, friends). People are what the difference between "just surviving" and "living."
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Old 02-14-16, 07:44 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Black Sheep View Post
I understand that you may feel different. I used to tell myself all the time that relationships didn't matter to me, but eventually that changed. Consider it a blessing if none of this stuff bothers you.

1. If you're feeling lonely in a relationship, it means it probably isn't fulfilling you in some way. But being connected with others is the only way to overcome loneliness. That's common sense.
Having a partner is not a cure for depression and depression can make us feel very alone, even if we are surrounded by people who love us. I have suffered from this all of my adult life and I'm afraid of talking about my darkest thoughts with my wife because I don't want to be upset or worried by it. It's very hard for someone to understand what we go through unless they have been through it themselves.

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2. I can't. I need validation from others. I think everyone does to an extent. It's just that those who constantly receive it take it for granted and aren't even aware of it. There is no such thing as confidence without external validation. Perhaps my need for it is a little higher than most people, but that's just the way I am
It can be difficult for a relationship to succeed if you always need validation from a partner. This can be a major turn off for most people. The last thing you want to do is give a potential partner the impression that you are insecure, clingy or high maintenance. There is a difference between receiving validation and expecting it. You just need to trust that if you treat the woman right and show her affection, that it will hopefully be appreciated and reciprocated. If it is then that's wonderful, if not then maybe they aren't the right person for you or they aren't ready for it. There could be a hundred reasons why, and it doesn't necessarily reflect on you as a person.

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3. I can't. There is nothing to love.
Unless you are an evil, cold blooded killer who tortures kittens for amusement surely you have some qualities that make you a good person, worthy of love.

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4. What? A lot of people's sense of self-worth comes from their relationships. I can't feel lovable if no one likes or accepts me. Feeling loved/valued/desired is a fundamental need for most human beings. I'd go as far as saying that's why a lot of us are in this mess to begin with. It would be great if I could just eliminate this need altogether. But short of having a lobotomy, I don't see how that's possible.
How will you know when someone loves or accepts you? When you believe so strongly that you are unlovable, will you be suspicious of a partner who tells you she loves you? Will you be paranoid about her having an ulterior motive for showing affection? Will you make the same mistake I did some 15 years ago and break up with someone who actually does love you, just because you feel you are not worthy of love?

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5. What do you mean by "maybe?" LOL. I'm talking about my feelings here.
While I agree that having supportive people around is a good thing and very important, you don't need to rely solely on a partner to open up about your feelings. In fact, I find it difficult to talk about my darkest thoughts with any loved ones for fear of it upsetting them. That's why I attend counselling and go to online support groups. A good support network is a healthy thing if you are predisposed to depression and anxiety, but it is a bad idea to expect someone you just started dating to bare the burden of being your source of emotional support.

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6. I don't understand what you're trying to say with this point. Maybe you misunderstood me. I meant that I want someone to have fun and enjoy life with. You're going to suggest that I can do that by myself? Well, I can't anymore. I've been entertaining myself for over a decade now and it's not enough. I'm always bored. It's just not as rewarding as doing things with other people or having a social life.
Have you thought about finding ways of interacting with others that might be fun, aside from in the bedroom? What about developing friendships, taking up hobbies, playing sports or travelling? All of these are great ways to meet new people. So many Brits and Europeans come to Australia alone on working holidays and either make friends with others from their countries who are also on holiday or they find that they stand out from others because of their foreign accents. This draws attention from locals, including women, who if nothing else want to know more about where they come from and what life is like in their homeland. If you are seen to be having fun, being confident around others you will give off that signal to women. You don't have to be an extrovert to do this either. It's a little bit harder for introverts but the more you get to know people, the more comfortable you will feel around them.

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7. I care about status and reputation. It's very important to me. You can imagine then how frustrating it is to be labelled a "low status male" or a "beta."
We didn't really have these terms when I was younger, I guess an alpha male would have been called a player back then. Who gives a fuck about what society says? There is no way in hell that I will be considered "alpha" yet I still found a partner. I'm sure if I were 19 and single right now, I would be considered "low status" too. What is it that you want in a partner? A nymphomaniac supermodel or do you want to connect with someone on a deeper level? The latter doesn't come with the expectations of the former.

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8. I think having good relationships is essential to being happy. And this is supported by a great deal of scientific research. Therefore if I had these things, it would "fix" my life because most of my needs would be met.
There is some truth in this. We are a social species and roughly half of us will pair off for life, while with others it may take more than one marriage. However it's only one aspect of our lives... our work, education, career, friendships, families, physical health etc can all have a contribution to our mental health so simply having a relationship alone is unlikely to fix everything. On the other hand, unhealthy relationships can negatively affect mental health and relationships based on dependence are far from healthy. I know this from all the bullshit I have tolerated in the past from ex girlfriends just to avoid being alone.

Please don't take this all as personal attacks, I am not posting this to be argumentative and I am not trying to upset you. I understand what it feels like to be alone, I have struggled with self esteem throughout my life. I am trying to provide useful information that could help you with finding a partner.

Last edited by Forest; 03-06-16 at 07:41 AM.
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Old 02-14-16, 08:28 PM   #24
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ETA: most people get their sense of purpose in life through other people. Perfect example is how the vast majority of people's lives revolve around taking care of and raising their children. My mother has said that the only thing that gives her life meaning is her children. Take that away and she's got nothing left.

Think of the millions of people working at jobs they hate every day of their life. If we had a choice and our survival didn't depend on it, do you think anyone would do this? No. So why do people do it? It's because they have other people to motivate them (e.g. children, spouses, friends). People are what the difference between "just surviving" and "living."
Relationships break down, half of marriages end in divorce and many with custody battles. People have accidents and become ill or permanently disabled. People pass away unexpectedly. Children will grow up and leave home. You have to be able to accept these possibilities in life and if and when they happen, be able to cope with them in order to get through life. My aunt recently went through all this. After some 25 years her marriage broke down, her younger husband left her for another woman. So there she was, in her mid 50s, depressed, single, holding a mediocre paying job that she wasn't exactly thrilled about, children all left home and busy with their own partners and friends, parents health deteriorating. According to what you've said she would have nothing left. But she still made it; went on a solo overseas holiday, moved into a new home, started dating again and eventually met her current partner.
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Old 02-17-16, 04:19 PM   #25
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Having a partner is not a cure for depression and depression can make us feel very alone, even if we are surrounded by people who love us. I have suffered from this all of my adult life and I'm afraid of talking about my darkest thoughts with my wife because I don't want to be upset or worried by it. It's very hard for someone to understand what we go through unless they have been through it themselves.
I know it would make me feel better. You don't get it. I'm depressed BECAUSE I don't have a relationship and no likes me. Isolation and bad experiences were the causes of my depression. Maybe that wasn't the case for you, but you haven't been through what I have because you don't understand.

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It can be difficult for a relationship to succeed if you always need validation from a partner. This can be a major turn off for most people. The last thing you want to do is give a potential partner the impression that you are insecure, clingy or high maintenance. There is a difference between receiving validation and expecting it. You just need to trust that if you treat the woman right and show her affection, that it will hopefully be appreciated and reciprocated. If it is then that's wonderful, if not then maybe they aren't the right person for you or they aren't ready for it. There could be a hundred reasons why, and it doesn't necessarily reflect on you as a person.
This just makes me feel more hopeless. In a good relationship, both partners fulfill each others needs. Check out "the five languages of love." This is something that is universal. I shouldn't have to put women on a pedestal and not expect anything back. A relationship is a two way street. My needs matter and validation is not too much to ask of. Regardless, my need for validation would probably be fulfilled if a girl even thought I was worthy to hook up with in the first place. I think I'd be fine once I knew I was desirable.

I guess you're right. Perhaps I should just make peace with the fact that I hate myself and am therefore unlovable. In that case, why the fuck should I keep living?
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How will you know when someone loves or accepts you? When you believe so strongly that you are unlovable, will you be suspicious of a partner who tells you she loves you? Will you be paranoid about her having an ulterior motive for showing affection? Will you make the same mistake I did some 15 years ago and break up with someone who actually does love you, just because you feel you are not worthy of love?
You don't get it. I've never gotten any attention from females. No, I wouldn't be suspicious (unless it correlated with me running into a ton of $ or something). Please don't project your experiences onto me.

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While I agree that having supportive people around is a good thing and very important, you don't need to rely solely on a partner to open up about your feelings. In fact, I find it difficult to talk about my darkest thoughts with any loved ones for fear of it upsetting them. That's why I attend counselling and go to online support groups. A good support network is a healthy thing if you are predisposed to depression and anxiety, but it is a bad idea to expect someone you just started dating to bare the burden of being your source of emotional support.
counselors never helped me. I don't think empathy is too much to ask for. I would be willing to give it. This reinforces the notion that depressed people are just a burden to others. Please stop with the fortune telling and assumptions. I can't see myself ever being functional enough to go on a date. Even I were, I definitely wouldn't reveal my issues that early on because I'm aware of how shallow people are.

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Have you thought about finding ways of interacting with others that might be fun, aside from in the bedroom? What about developing friendships, taking up hobbies, playing sports or travelling?
I was not talking about the bedroom. I meant going places and doing fun stuff... same kinds of things you might do with a friend.

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All of these are great ways to meet new people. So many Brits and Europeans come to Australia alone on working holidays and either make friends with others from their countries who are also on holiday or they find that they stand out from others because of their foreign accents. This draws attention from locals, including women, who if nothing else want to know more about where they come from and what life is like in their homeland. If you are seen to be having fun, being confident around others you will give off that signal to women. You don't have to be an extrovert to do this either. It's a little bit harder for introverts but the more you get to know people, the more comfortable you will feel around them.
I can barely leave my house. I can't have a conversation with a girl. How am I supposed to travel to another country, draw other people's attention, and pick up women?

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We didn't really have these terms when I was younger, I guess an alpha male would have been called a player back then. Who gives a fuck about what society says?
I guess I do. I don't like being seen as a loser.

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What is it that you want in a partner? A nymphomaniac supermodel or do you want to connect with someone on a deeper level? The latter doesn't come with the expectations of the former.
Ideally, both. :D

Why do you assume it's mutually exclusive?

Nah, my standards aren't that high. She would have to be physically attractive to me though. That isn't unreasonable.

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There is some truth in this. Even the bible tells us that man was not meant to be alone. We are a social species and roughly half of us will pair off for life, while with others it may take more than one marriage.
The vast majority of people on this planet will be in relationships or have sex at some point in their lives. The ones that don't are usually the ones who die before they get the chance.

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However it's only one aspect of our lives... our work, education, career, friendships, families, physical health etc can all have a contribution to our mental health so simply having a relationship alone is unlikely to fix everything.
None of the other shit matters to me. I hate school and work. Don't understand how anyone likes that unless they have their dream career. I have no friends and can't make any for reasons previously listed. Hate my family except for my parents. Bad genes + excessive stress = poor physical health. All aspects of my life kind of suck.

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On the other hand, unhealthy relationships can negatively affect mental health and relationships based on dependence are far from healthy. I know this from all the bullshit I have tolerated in the past from ex girlfriends just to avoid being alone.
true. I have had bad friendships in the past that made me feel pretty awful. They were bad enough to make me isolate myself for a decade so yeah, kind of just as bad as being alone. I don't think I said I wanted an unhealthy relationship.

Last edited by Black Sheep; 02-17-16 at 04:23 PM.
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Old 02-17-16, 04:43 PM   #26
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That outlook on life is far from healthy. Relationships break down, half of marriages end in divorce and many with custody battles. People have accidents and become ill or permanently disabled. People pass away unexpectedly. Children will grow up and leave home. You have to be able to accept these possibilities in life and if and when they happen, be able to cope with them in order to get through life. My aunt recently went through all this. After some 25 years her marriage broke down, her younger husband left her for another woman. So there she was, in her mid 50s, depressed, single, holding a mediocre paying job that she wasn't exactly thrilled about, children all left home and busy with their own partners and friends, parents health deteriorating. According to what you've said she would have nothing left. But she still made it; went on a solo overseas holiday, moved into a new home, started dating again and eventually met her current partner.
So you're saying that she found purpose in her life again once she went overseas and hooked up with someone new? Confirming what I already said. Props to your aunt for having the resilience to wait it out. I wasn't blessed with that.

The way I see it, there are only two known "purposes" in life. One is biological: to procreate and continue the existence of our wretched species. The other is to find happiness/pleasure/joy/entertainment or whatever you want to call it. Both depend largely on connecting with other people. It's no secret that loners are usually unhappy. Humans weren't meant to be isolated. If you need more proof, just look at how solitary confinement is used as a punishment.
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Old 02-17-16, 07:26 PM   #27
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I'm a loner and I'm very happy.

Anyway, what would you say to yourself if you were us?
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Old 02-17-16, 09:15 PM   #28
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I'm not going to challenge what you've said anymore because I don't want to be argumentative. I am sorry if you feel offended in any way. I was only trying to help you by giving practical advice. I do empathise with you and your struggle and I wish you the best in overcoming these.

Please stay safe.
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Old 04-24-16, 04:27 PM   #29
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I've been working on improving other areas of my life over the past few months. But no matter what I accomplish, I still feel miserable about this issue. These thoughts about not having a girlfriend and missing out on my youth constantly resurface and send me spiraling back into a state of deep depression. I wish I could just make peace with it, but I can't.

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I'm not going to challenge what you've said anymore because I don't want to be argumentative. I am sorry if you feel offended in any way. I was only trying to help you by giving practical advice. I do empathise with you and your struggle and I wish you the best in overcoming these.

Please stay safe.
thanks... I think.
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Old 04-24-16, 04:38 PM   #30
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From what you have said, the depression and anxiety seems to be the cause of your situation rather than the result of it. Recover from the depression and anxiety and you can work on social skills.
NO. Actually, I think it's important to clarify: it's the other way around.

I'm depressed because I can't have a relationship or social life. I'm depressed because of what I've missed out on in life and what I may never experience. If I just had those things, I think I would be okay. But I can't get what I want or need in life because I'm paralyzed by my anxiety.
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