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I will never have a girlfriend

This is a discussion on I will never have a girlfriend within the Male Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Originally Posted by blue229 This is exactly why you need to work on these issues. The bottom line is that ...

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Old 02-10-16, 07:05 PM   #11
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This is exactly why you need to work on these issues. The bottom line is that you cannot develop relationships if you constantly have the guard up to avoid rejection. You will have to face your fears and overcome them to achieve the outcome you want. There will most likely be rejections but the thing is you will have to learn to not let yourself to be tricked into thinking they are reflections on you or your character/personality. There are many reasons why a woman might not be interested; she may have a boyfriend, may be gay, may not be ready for a relationship due to recent breakup, may be depressed herself. There could be a hundred other reasons that have nothing to do with how you look or what your personality type is.

I used to be hypersensitive to rejection too. I can tell you it's not just men who have to feel rejected either. Many years ago a girl once said to me that I was so afraid of rejection that I had been rejecting her (by not showing interest in her) all along.

Would I be right in saying the avoidance ties in with the anxiety? We know that depression is closely linked to anxiety. From what you have said, the depression and anxiety seems to be the cause of your situation rather than the result of it. Recover from the depression and anxiety and you can work on social skills.

Luckily depression and anxiety can be treated. Have you sought medical help? Or a psychologist/counsellor? They can help you change the way you think. When depressed our thinking becomes warped and, along with medication therapy, challenging negative, irrational thinking is the key to managing the depression and anxiety. They may also be able to point you in the right direction for support groups. This would help you develop confidence around other people in a non-judgemental environment. There are also plenty of self help books on things such as depressed and anxiety, social anxiety etc that you would probably benefit from reading.

I hope this helps you.
I can't "work on these issues." It's who I am now. I can't deal with rejection. And rejection is most definitely a reflection of my failure to live up to someone else's expectations. It IS a flaw in my character/personality.

Women do not have to deal with rejection to the same extent as men. We live in a society where men are expected, perhaps even REQUIRED, to approach and initiate. As for what that girl told you... wow. Rejecting her by not showing interest? Give me a fucking break. Hypothetically I could say the same about the thousands of girls who have ignored me all my life. If that's the case, I've experienced more rejection than anyone I know. I'm practically invisible for fucks sake.

Anxiety and depression pretty much rule my life. The cause of my problem? No, terrible and traumatic life experiences are what caused me to develop mental illness.

"Recover from the depression and anxiety and you can work on social skills." Wow. That's a a bit patronizing and presumptuous, don't you think? I can't recover from these problems. If I could, don't you think I would have already? As if I can just think my way out of depression and anxiety. I don't know if it's fair to say I lack "social skills." I'm pretty good at reading social cues, body language, etc. I understand social etiquette and all that crap even if I choke on my anxiety every time. The problem is more the fact that I never have anything to say. My mind goes blank and I can't think of a response. Communicating seems like a pointless, unnatural activity.

Yes, I've sought help for many years now. I've seen numerous therapists over the years and all of it has been useless. I fucking hate CBT. All it does is make me feel worse. Most of my "negative thoughts" are actually rational and grounded in reality. I'm currently in a support group and it's going horribly.

Thanks for your post anyway.
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Old 02-10-16, 07:39 PM   #12
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What are you going to do?
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Old 02-12-16, 11:03 PM   #13
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What are you going to do?
I really don't know what to do. I feel completely hopeless about this. I don't know if I can cope much longer. I don't see much reason to live if I have to spend the rest of my life alone. There isn't anything to look forward to.
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Old 02-12-16, 11:12 PM   #14
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@blue229

I realize you might take my previous post the wrong way.... I should clarify. My anger isn't at directed at you. This is just a sensitive issue for me. Please don't take my tone or choice of words personally. I appreciate you taking the time to listen and respond.
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Old 02-13-16, 02:21 PM   #15
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Why do you want a gf in the first place? I could get a bf but don't want one.
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Old 02-13-16, 03:15 PM   #16
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Why do you want a gf in the first place? I could get a bf but don't want one.
lots of reasons...

To put an end to the loneliness I've lived with for so many years.
To have intimacy, validation and sex. I'm not gonna lie - sex is a huge part of it.
To feel loved, valued, or at least desired by someone else.
To feel like I'm good enough.
Emotional support. To have someone who feels empathy for me and actually cares about my well being.
Excitement. To have someone to share joy with. It would put an end to the boredom.
Status. I would be more respected by others.
Sense of purpose. I would have something else to focus on other than the past, the future, and everything that's wrong with me and my life.
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Old 02-13-16, 10:25 PM   #17
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No girl has ever approach me either, apart from one or two online. I have done all the approaching. So you could say I have also been ignored by thousands of girls too. I have been rejected many many times. I have been led on only to be shot down, basically girls playing stupid games. I have experience both love and heartbreak. I'm just trying to advise you that the reward of a mutually loving relationship is worth the risk. You seem to believe that it isn't but how can you think that if you've never been in a loving relationship?

I am well aware that the dating game is not easy for men. I don't know why we are expected to do the approaching. Maybe it has something to do with women being viewed as cheap or easy if they were to be seen hitting on a guy at a party or club, I don't know. Maybe some females here can share their perspective on it.

You are not your diagnosis and no, it is not a character flaw. Whoever made you believe this is full of it. Social anxiety is a terrible thing to live with but it can be treated and managed. It does not have to consume your whole life.

I don't know what traumatic experiences happened in your life to trigger all this but I do know plenty of other people who have suffered from terrible traumas from sexual abuse to combat stress and have managed to, with the help of treatment, not let it take over their lives.

I am sorry for using the term social skills. Social anxieties is probably a more correct term. I don't doubt that you have the ability to interact with others, it just sounds like you have an overwhelming fear that holds you back.

I am sorry your support group and therapy hasn't gone as planned. I also went through a hell of a lot of counsellors before finding one who worked well with me and it was the same with my meds.

I know it is St Valentines Day and people are out celebrating, but it would be a good day for you to do something that makes you happy. Be a little selfish. If I were single I would be headed straight to the golf course or favourite fishing spot with a couple cold beers, knowing I will pretty much have the place to myself.

Last edited by blue229; 02-13-16 at 10:30 PM.
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Old 02-13-16, 10:39 PM   #18
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If I were single I would be headed straight to the golf course or favourite fishing spot with a couple cold beers, knowing I will pretty much have the place to myself.
Sorry I just realised you may be somewhere freezing cold in the northern hemisphere. But there's still plenty you can do for yourself. Cook or order your favourite meal and watch your favourite movie. I'm watching the X Files tonight lol. I love doing this on the occasion when I'm not at work and my wife is.
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Old 02-13-16, 11:56 PM   #19
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All I can say is that you're not the only one going through this. We've got to hang in there.
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Old 02-14-16, 01:36 AM   #20
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lots of reasons...
To put an end to the loneliness I've lived with for so many years.
To have intimacy, validation and sex. I'm not gonna lie - sex is a huge part of it.
To feel loved, valued, or at least desired by someone else.
To feel like I'm good enough.
Emotional support. To have someone who feels empathy for me and actually cares about my well being.
Excitement. To have someone to share joy with. It would put an end to the boredom.
Status. I would be more respected by others.
Sense of purpose. I would have something else to focus on other than the past, the future, and everything that's wrong with me and my life.
1. You can be lonely WITH people or alone and not lonely
2. Validate yourself. Intimacy part understood.
3. Love yourself.
4. You can't be a relationship to boost your self-worth.
5. Maybe...
6. "Someone is boring me. I think it's me." If you're bored, are you boring?
7. People's opinion of you isn't that important. Who cares about status. I'm part of a high status family but I'm low status. I don't care.
8. You can't get your sense of life purpose through someone else. You can't expect someone to fix your whole life.
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