Originally Posted by blue229
This is exactly why you need to work on these issues. The bottom line is that you cannot develop relationships if you constantly have the guard up to avoid rejection. You will have to face your fears and overcome them to achieve the outcome you want. There will most likely be rejections but the thing is you will have to learn to not let yourself to be tricked into thinking they are reflections on you or your character/personality. There are many reasons why a woman might not be interested; she may have a boyfriend, may be gay, may not be ready for a relationship due to recent breakup, may be depressed herself. There could be a hundred other reasons that have nothing to do with how you look or what your personality type is.
I used to be hypersensitive to rejection too. I can tell you it's not just men who have to feel rejected either. Many years ago a girl once said to me that I was so afraid of rejection that I had been rejecting her (by not showing interest in her) all along.
Would I be right in saying the avoidance ties in with the anxiety? We know that depression is closely linked to anxiety. From what you have said, the depression and anxiety seems to be the cause of your situation rather than the result of it. Recover from the depression and anxiety and you can work on social skills.
Luckily depression and anxiety can be treated. Have you sought medical help? Or a psychologist/counsellor? They can help you change the way you think. When depressed our thinking becomes warped and, along with medication therapy, challenging negative, irrational thinking is the key to managing the depression and anxiety. They may also be able to point you in the right direction for support groups. This would help you develop confidence around other people in a non-judgemental environment. There are also plenty of self help books on things such as depressed and anxiety, social anxiety etc that you would probably benefit from reading.
I hope this helps you.
I can't "work on these issues." It's who I am now. I can't deal with rejection. And rejection is most definitely a reflection of my failure to live up to someone else's expectations. It IS a flaw in my character/personality.
Women do not have to deal with rejection to the same extent as men. We live in a society where men are expected, perhaps even REQUIRED, to approach and initiate. As for what that girl told you... wow. Rejecting her by not showing interest? Give me a fucking break. Hypothetically I could say the same about the thousands of girls who have ignored me all my life. If that's the case, I've experienced more rejection than anyone I know. I'm practically invisible for fucks sake.
Anxiety and depression pretty much rule my life. The cause of my problem? No, terrible and traumatic life experiences are what caused me to develop mental illness.
"Recover from the depression and anxiety and you can work on social skills." Wow. That's a a bit patronizing and presumptuous, don't you think? I can't recover from these problems. If I could, don't you think I would have already? As if I can just think my way out of depression and anxiety. I don't know if it's fair to say I lack "social skills." I'm pretty good at reading social cues, body language, etc. I understand social etiquette and all that crap even if I choke on my anxiety every time. The problem is more the fact that I never have anything to say. My mind goes blank and I can't think of a response. Communicating seems like a pointless, unnatural activity.
Yes, I've sought help for many years now. I've seen numerous therapists over the years and all of it has been useless. I fucking hate CBT. All it does is make me feel worse. Most of my "negative thoughts" are actually rational and grounded in reality. I'm currently in a support group and it's going horribly.
Thanks for your post anyway.