I will never have a girlfriend
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I will never have a girlfriend

This is a discussion on I will never have a girlfriend within the Male Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; There is no chance because of my crippling anxiety and depression. So many fucking obstacles... it seems impossible. I just ...

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Old 01-03-16, 03:26 PM   #1
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Default I will never have a girlfriend

There is no chance because of my crippling anxiety and depression. So many fucking obstacles... it seems impossible.

I just can't talk to girls in real life. I don't think I'll ever be able to. I don't know how to talk to people in general. Socializing is an unnatural behavior to me. Years of isolation will do that I guess. It sucks because this is the minimum requirement for getting laid. I don't have anything else going for me either... I have average looks (ok looking face but with a receding hairline and a scrawny body type) no social life, no job, and poor career prospects due to a learning disability and social anxiety. I'm physically weak. I don't have any independence. I can't drive alone yet. I don't know how to do basic things like cooking or household chores. I don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know anything about the outside world. I've never been to public places like stores, restaurants, or the movies alone. Never been to a bar or nightclub. Never been involved in sports or interesting hobbies. I don't have anything in common with anyone. I don't know anything about pop culture or any of the crap normal people talk about. If I were to go on a date with a girl, it would be a disaster since I literally have nothing to talk about.

I know that in this state at 22 years old, it is unrealistic for me to expect to ever have a relationship or even have sex with a girl. Despite this, it's something I have always yearned for and fantasized about. Existing like this is torture.
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Old 01-03-16, 03:49 PM   #2
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I should add that I really fucking hate the modern dating game and relationships. There's way too much phoniness and bullshit involved. The only way to win women over is to be fake and portray only your best qualities. It's like applying for a job. You can't just be yourself. You have to be humorous, entertaining, and chivalrous. Then you have to pay for dates, shower them with gifts and attention, and constantly spend time with them. Fuck that shit. I hate being a man in today's society. I hate that we have to do the approaching, risk rejection and being emotionally crushed, and do all the hard work while females get to sit there and decide whether or not we're worthy. All of that for what? What will they add to my life? It's just another person I'll have to take care of... almost like having a child. I would be putting my life on the line to get nothing in return. In the end they'll just reject me for who I am anyway and choose another guy who they think is superior.

With all the phoniness involved in dating, it's no wonder so many relationships fail. What do you expect when everyone is pretending to be something they're not?

Last edited by Black Sheep; 01-03-16 at 03:54 PM.
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Old 01-03-16, 05:17 PM   #3
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Hi Black Sheep. I'm sorry you feel so badly about this.

First, I have to say that the "phoniness" feeling is something I can definitely relate to you about, something that has always made me nervous about dating. I'm a woman, and I agree with you that male-ness (or masculinity, I guess I should say) really comes attached to a certain expectation in this society (as does femininity).

That being said, I don't think that you have to go about dating or finding a relationship with the intention of putting a mask on. We will never be able to completely escape from cultural stereotypes and expectations, but we also have a certain amount of power to define ourselves the way we want to. Will you experience rejection by doing this? Most likely, yes. But everyone does-- even people who completely fit your idea of what the "perfect male" should be.

What I think you need is to put an effort into not destroying your own confidence. What kinds of things do you enjoy when you're by yourself? When you fantasize about having a girlfriend, what is it that you picture? Ultimately, you're not going to win anyone over for long by either pretending to be someone you're not, or by continuing to isolate yourself. Become more secure in the things that you like about yourself instead of tearing apart everything you hate.
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Old 01-04-16, 10:22 AM   #4
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thanks CrystalVisions.

Quote:
That being said, I don't think that you have to go about dating or finding a relationship with the intention of putting a mask on. We will never be able to completely escape from cultural stereotypes and expectations, but we also have a certain amount of power to define ourselves the way we want to. Will you experience rejection by doing this? Most likely, yes. But everyone does-- even people who completely fit your idea of what the "perfect male" should be.
I disagree with this part. I have known many people (especially women since they are rarely expected to initiate) who have never been rejected by the opposite sex. But I honestly cannot handle rejection at that level... to be blatantly told I'm not good enough. Despite being rejected by others all my life, it would destroy me. I'm not sure if you understand... fear of rejection and embarrassment is the reason I have social phobia. I can't see myself ever being able to approach a girl. That is probably my ultimate fear.

As for the first part of the paragraph... I'm not so sure. If everyone views me as a socially awkward nerd or a quiet loser, I don't exactly have the power to define myself. No matter how highly I might think of myself, everyone else thinks I'm pathetic. Maybe it's how I look, I don't know. But there's always been a discrepancy between how I see myself and how others see me. I've always felt like no one sees the "real" me no matter what I do.

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What I think you need is to put an effort into not destroying your own confidence. What kinds of things do you enjoy when you're by yourself? When you fantasize about having a girlfriend, what is it that you picture? Ultimately, you're not going to win anyone over for long by either pretending to be someone you're not, or by continuing to isolate yourself. Become more secure in the things that you like about yourself instead of tearing apart everything you hate.
I don't enjoy much of anything anymore. Depression and anxiety took it all away from me. I used to do art and music for fun. I used to enjoy playing sports even though I sucked at them. I quit everything. I just stopped caring about any of it because I realized I would never be as good as others. These days I just watch TV/movies, listen to music, and play video games. I dropped out of college (for the 2nd time) because of all my problems so I'm just at home all day. I don't do anything interesting. I'm not good at anything.
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Old 01-08-16, 11:57 PM   #5
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Sometimes I wish the internet didn't exist. It is so much better to be unaware of people's thoughts/opinions on certain issues. Ignorance is bliss.

I made the mistake of reading the comments section of an article about incel men (frustrated virgins). It was very upsetting to see how cruel and uncaring so many women are. They have no empathy whatsoever. For a long time I stupidly believed that women were the more caring/sympathetic sex, but the past few years have taught me how wrong I was. It's no wonder there are so many angry young men in the world. Reading stuff like this makes me think that relationships aren't worth the effort. These bitches are fucking toxic. Why would any sane man seek their affection or approval? Fuck it. Probably better to just see a prostitute or have one night stands.

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Old 01-19-16, 06:09 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Black Sheep View Post
Reading stuff like this makes me think that relationships aren't worth the effort. These bitches are fucking toxic. Why would any sane man seek their affection or approval? Fuck it. Probably better to just see a prostitute or have one night stands.
If they tell you you aren't good enough for them, then they are really just arrogant ego maniacs. Would you really want to date this type of person?

If I were in your shoes I would learn to be comfortable in being myself. I didn't have to change who I am when I met my wife; the right one for you would appreciate you the way you are. Sure, putting the mask on might work for the short term, ie one night stands and short term relationships but it won't work in the long run.
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Old 02-04-16, 09:54 PM   #7
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I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship. No one could ever love, accept, or value me. I wish I could make peace with this fact, but it constantly eats me up inside. People say it'll happen when it's supposed to... yeah, I guess that means never for me. I can't hold out much longer. I see very little reason to keep living.
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Old 02-04-16, 10:05 PM   #8
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If they tell you you aren't good enough for them, then they are really just arrogant ego maniacs. Would you really want to date this type of person?

If I were in your shoes I would learn to be comfortable in being myself. I didn't have to change who I am when I met my wife; the right one for you would appreciate you the way you are. Sure, putting the mask on might work for the short term, ie one night stands and short term relationships but it won't work in the long run.
a few problems with that:

1) I've essentially lost my identity to depression and anxiety. I don't have much of a personality left. I've become my disorder. All I know is fear and pessimism and no woman wants anything to do with someone like that. Women avoid depressed men like the plague. No one would appreciate me the way I am.

2) I'm extremely avoidant, to the point where it's impossible for anyone to get to know me in the first place.

3) I don't know how to socialize anymore. I'm simply incapable of it. It's like a part of my brain died as a result of years of isolation. I never have anything to say.
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Old 02-06-16, 02:06 PM   #9
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This is exactly why you need to work on these issues. The bottom line is that you cannot develop relationships if you constantly have the guard up to avoid rejection. You will have to face your fears and overcome them to achieve the outcome you want. There will most likely be rejections but the thing is you will have to learn to not let yourself to be tricked into thinking they are reflections on you or your character/personality. There are many reasons why a woman might not be interested; she may have a boyfriend, may be gay, may not be ready for a relationship due to recent breakup, may be depressed herself. There could be a hundred other reasons that have nothing to do with how you look or what your personality type is.

I used to be hypersensitive to rejection too. I can tell you it's not just men who have to feel rejected either. Many years ago a girl once said to me that I was so afraid of rejection that I had been rejecting her (by not showing interest in her) all along.

Would I be right in saying the avoidance ties in with the anxiety? We know that depression is closely linked to anxiety. From what you have said, the depression and anxiety seems to be the cause of your situation rather than the result of it. Recover from the depression and anxiety and you can work on social skills.

Luckily depression and anxiety can be treated. Have you sought medical help? Or a psychologist/counsellor? They can help you change the way you think. When depressed our thinking becomes warped and, along with medication therapy, challenging negative, irrational thinking is the key to managing the depression and anxiety. They may also be able to point you in the right direction for support groups. This would help you develop confidence around other people in a non-judgemental environment. There are also plenty of self help books on things such as depressed and anxiety, social anxiety etc that you would probably benefit from reading.

I hope this helps you.
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Old 02-07-16, 05:36 AM   #10
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Just another thought. You said you have trouble talking to girls. Maybe developing platonic friendships will give you more confidence. As I mentioned before support groups are a great place to start. There are many other people out there, including women, who suffer from social anxiety.
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