I had a burst of sheer anger last week. This is a bit of a post because I want you to get the background but I think it does tie in well with what you speak of.
I was invited out by friends to an after party for a university society formal dinner. So I was all suited up with a friend at home waiting to get the text to head to the nice bar in the town. It was going to be a great night.
Ended up being there an hour and a half later then when they said they would be ready. Which was fine, it was their formal dinner so let them do what they like and we would meet up with them whenever. Then we got there after the said "go" and just after that they said another 45 mins so we went home as my friend was feeling ill and I had gotten fed up.
Got back and I swear, I have never flicked my mood as much like a light switch as I did that night. I had too much alcohol on me at the time but I got so desperately lonely.
Listening to sad music and singing and crying to myself. There was a lady friend (
, the usual stuff :p ) going to be at the after party which I had convinced myself that i was going to make efforts to court over the next few weeks and THAT night was gonna be the start! Oh yes.
That night and how it went pear shaped just plunged me into the loneliness that I was trying to get out of for so long. I was out of it for the most part. Then my laptop wouldnt do something i wanted, I know I was too drunk to do it properly so my fault and I snapped.
Every emotion that I felt that night turned into a thread of anger. Even the happy feelings I had for going out turned into "Why do you get your hopes up?". I picked up the laptop and its safe to say its destroyed. My God I went bizarrely angry.
The scary, or maybe a better word is the real thing is that I do feel the feelings that made me snap a lot. I don't just need drink to think them but the drink just lets down all the safe guards.
My room mates heard banging in my room and they were worried. I was ready to punch and kick every person that had f**ked me over in the past if I had saw them that night. I even look back on it and say to myself, "if I had gotten the notion to plunge a broken bottle into myself I would have". Thank God I didnt and there is part of me that knows if I did get the notion I would have pulled away from it but at the same time I think I could have easilly just done it to try and divert from what I was feeling that moment in time.
That sheer anger has never happened before but I was amazed with how every emotion, whether its positive or negative, gets amplified and turned against you if it needs to be. It all adds up and with enough alcohol to let your guard down you are at the mercy of your feelings, not your better judgement.
I have been wanting to share that story and this thread seems like the right place. Pure anger can tie in so much with depression for me.
Im still finding little pieces of the computer around the floor of my room.
If I did, I hope I didnt stray too off topic for you PheonixBomb.