God, I'm such a whiner. Why am I even posting to this board? I suppose I'm running a little sociological experiment for my own gratification. You see, I'm a 25 year old man. I'm a good looking guy, if I can say so myself, not a 10 but I'd say a 7 1/2 - 8. I'm financially stable and secure, I own my car and I own a house. I go to church on Sundays and love kids. I'm working on the white picket fence. So, wtf can't I find someone to love me? Here's the scenario that has brought me here today, and inevitabely gets me feeling depressed and suicidal. There was a girl (isn't there always?) that a friend of mine set me up with. She seemed cool at first and we went out a couple times and agreed to "take it slow." Well, that's fine by me, but I told her that above all things, I value communication in a relationship. If something isn't working out, then tell me, and I'll likewise do the same. Well, we seemed to have a good time when we went out, but the next couple of calls over the next couple of weeks yieled a very different result than I had anticipated. It was always "I'm tired, call me later." or she was out of town working (she does deliveries for her dad's business.) There was one time that I was talking to her and it was hard to hear her because she was in the car and she suggested that I call her back later, which I of course did and she didn't answer and never called me back.
Well, after that week I had basically said screw it and had almost succeeded in putting her totally out of my mind. Then, lastnight, I went out to a local bar with a few other friends, including the girl who had set us up in the first place. Well, there were 4 of us guys and 3 girls there at the bar lastnight and while her friend didn't mention anything to me directly about the girl I had been seeing, she did happen to talk about it amongst the women when they thought I wasn't listening. However, I have excellent hearing and happened to overhear their conversation, even though I really didn't want to. Turns out that this bitch didn't have the balls to tell me that she didn't want to see me. That the whole couldn't hear her in the car thing was an act, among other things. Well, that pretty much ruined my night.
Depression is like a lightswitch in my brain. I can be completely fine, as I was lastnight, and then all of the sudden, for a reason or not, my brain switches over to depression mode. There doesn't always have to be an event to trigger it. It can just happen out of the blue. Depression covers my brain sort-of like that scene in The Matrix where the liquid-metal stuff is covering Neo when they first pull him out of The Matrix. It spreads rapidly until every inch of my brain is within it's grasp and there's nothing I can do about it. Then, of course, the suicidal thoughts come sliding in. And, as you might imagine, the few beers that I had before I heard this didn't make matters any better. About 20 minutes later I excused myself for the night and made my way home at 100 mph. One of my more destructive ways of dealing with severe depression and my tendencies is drinking and then driving, fast. Preferably during rush-hour traffic. Now, I don't need a lecture on how stupid that is, etc. because I KNOW how stupid it is. But, it's a knee-jerk reaction. Get depressed, do this. It's no excuse but it's what I do. I always use my blinker if that makes it any better.
Anyway, once I got home, I kept the alcohol flowing by myself. I just can't figure out why someone, in this case this spineless bitch, can make me feel like this. There is no justice in it. She'll never know how her actions made me feel. It wasn't the fact that she didn't want to be with me, I'm used to that. It was how she handled the situation and then how cavalierly my "friends" were talking about it, like "oh, poor So-and-So, he's being fucked and he doesn't know it, ha ha." Well, I do know it, bitch, but there is nothing I can do about it except suffer. I ask you again, how is it fair that someone can treat someone else like this and get away with it? I was nothing but nice, honest and caring to her and she can't act like an adult and tell me she doesn't think it's going to work out. Hell, I knew in the back of my mind that it probably wasn't going to work out. But to play games and blow me off like she did, that's where the sharp pain in my chest comes from every time I think about it.
So, maybe if someone can shed some light on how to be a bit more thick-skinned so as not to be affected by general humanity's stupididty, that would be great. Because in my experience, all women are vindictive, cruel, cold and calculating tramps without a shred of respect for anything or anyone. They're all out for themselves, plain and simple. But, I love women, so the prospect of having to deal with all of this same crap in the future is what depresses me the most. What the Hell is the point? Settle for mediocrity like so many of my friends have or live a life alone. God, why can't I just die in a car crash like so many people who actually want to live?
Thanks for reading all of this crap, feel free to post/flame/whatever.