Still trying to cope with how my ex left me
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Still trying to cope with how my ex left me

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Old 12-10-12, 09:48 PM   #1
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Default Still trying to cope with how my ex left me

Havent been here in a few months because I thought I had it figured out and thought I was ok... but I still struggle with my ex leaving me July last year for another girl. We were together 2 years but i'd known him ( well thought I did) since high school so about 16 years and we reconnected in 2009 at a reunion and started dating and began a relationship until 2011. The way he left me and the lies still seem fresh with me. He called me and broke up with me by phone during work saying it wasnt working and he basically wanted some time to himself. I had caught him with another girl at his house a month before he did this and i asked him was he leaving me for her and he said he wasnt. I know a lot of you are saying why didnt u leave him when u caught him with the other girl. I know I should have and i felt this is what he wanted me to do but I loved him and did not want to be without him. I asked the girl at his place how long they'd been talking and she said a few months....I told him what she said and he said she was lying as he had only been back from Iraq for a few weeks. At first I believed him but as time went on it looks like she was telling the truth becuase I found out in May there were engaged. I also think while he was deployed he kept in touch with her through email and Facebook. I think their relationship started about 6 monnths before he actually left me. His friends (2 of which work with her)introduced them at a cookout that i wasn't invited to because i was told it was a guy thing. He took an interest to her and was communicating with her behind my back while distancing himself from me...arguing not listening always angry with me. I keep asking myself what did i do to cause this? everyone says not to blame myself but why does he get a blessing from GOd by way of marriage and i get left to suffer which feels like punishment from God. I think this girl knew I was with him and I can only wonder what he had been telling her about me but she wanted him bad!!. I honeslty think he was telling her he didnt love me and he wanted to be with her so after a while she got to the point where she may have told him to choose which is why he left me. I cannot for the life of me understand why this girl who knew he was involved kept pursuing him? If that were me I wouldn't want anything to do with someone whos involved wheter the relationship is good or bad and if i had seen another girl pop up I'd say well wait a minute he must have some baggage so I'll step back...but not this girl. Or maybe he told her he had already left me way before he actually did. Who knows but for some reason I cannot stop blaming myself? Every since this I feel like a failure I feel inadequate, I'm moody I've been to counseling and they tell me this wasnt the guy for me and I should not continue to beat myself up but I cannot get that through me head. I feel like she took him from me and that he realy didn't give our relationship a chance. Please Help!
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Old 12-11-12, 11:49 AM   #2
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Good step going to counseling! Information can be a bit weird to process at times.

First off, this guy is terrible for doing this to you (this is coming from another guy - me). That's really twisted and deceitful. No moral, self-respecting man does junk like this. Karma will catch up to him. Also, his marriage to this girl does not indicate that God has blessed the couple (think of all those sham marriages on TV like Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage). Not to stick you on vengeance...but...the divorce rate is really high in America.

Bottom line is that these 2 people have far looser morals than you do. Their behavior has nothing to do with how you are. The feelings of inadequacy are just feelings. The situation certainly makes you feel this way but I personally guarantee you that you are adequate. If you doubt it (and I can understand a bit why) and want some assistance, then shoot me some questions/statements and I'll be happy to help.

The reason you stuck with him is because you loved him that much. It's super confusing to process what we really feel when the person who loves us really really hurts us. It's natural to feel the way you have. You didn't leave him...so you got hurt...but we're not going to rub it in with an "I told you so" snotty attitude. We're just looking out for you. It's just social advice and always yours to either use or ditch. You are the ultimate judge here to decide what is best for you.

You are your own arbiter.

I second the idea that this guy is not for you. It has nothing to do with "oh he's just better than you". It's partly because your sense of morality differs from his (and is higher in my humble opinion). That alone would make me run for the hills. I wouldn't want my children to be brought up with crappy morals from some floozy dude.

I think you're blaming yourself because you think it is your fault. You may think you're the problem and that you're somehow inadequate (as you stated). You're looking over all the mistakes you may have made or think you made in order to repair the relationship. It's good to have this attitude when you're in a mutual relationship. Save it for that type of relationship. You love this man dearly but he throws your heart out like trash. That's not fair at all.

She did take him from you and he didn't give the relationship a fair chance. They're both complicit in breaking your heart and setting a terrible example for our society. They're allowing others to do the same. And...it's total [email protected]#$.

The best way to cope is to establish healthy relationships with good people. He's become a habit so take your time slowly healing from it. I wouldn't recommend dating or rushing into a relationship as it will do more damage than good. Try connecting with good friends and family. See if you can involve men in your life in all sorts of ways. The masculine energy can feel really good at times but don't limit it to just men your age. Think of playful boys, wise old men, loving fathers, and so on. Us men really love the company of a woman (even if it is entirely non-sexual and we may not outright admit it). We love women a lot!

As you find people to share your pain and joy with, I bet you'll feel a lot better and heal a lot faster.

That's my 2 cents .

Last edited by Patienc3; 12-11-12 at 11:52 AM.
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Old 12-11-12, 07:32 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patienc3 View Post
Good step going to counseling! Information can be a bit weird to process at times.

First off, this guy is terrible for doing this to you (this is coming from another guy - me). That's really twisted and deceitful. No moral, self-respecting man does junk like this. Karma will catch up to him. Also, his marriage to this girl does not indicate that God has blessed the couple (think of all those sham marriages on TV like Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage). Not to stick you on vengeance...but...the divorce rate is really high in America.

Bottom line is that these 2 people have far looser morals than you do. Their behavior has nothing to do with how you are. The feelings of inadequacy are just feelings. The situation certainly makes you feel this way but I personally guarantee you that you are adequate. If you doubt it (and I can understand a bit why) and want some assistance, then shoot me some questions/statements and I'll be happy to help.

The reason you stuck with him is because you loved him that much. It's super confusing to process what we really feel when the person who loves us really really hurts us. It's natural to feel the way you have. You didn't leave him...so


you got hurt...but we're not going to rub it in with an "I told you so" snotty attitude. We're just looking out for you. It's just social advice and always yours to either use or ditch. You are the ultimate judge here to decide what is best for you.

You are your own arbiter

I second the idea that this guy is not for you. It has nothing to do with "oh he's just better than you". It's partly because your sense of morality differs from his (and is higher in my humble opinion). That alone would make me run for the hills. I wouldn't want my children to be brought up with crappy morals from some floozy dude.

I think you're blaming yourself because you think it is your fault. You may think you're the problem and that you're somehow inadequate (as you stated). You're looking over all the mistakes you may have made or think you made in order to repair the relationship. It's good to have this attitude when you're in a mutual relationship. Save it for that type of relationship. You love this man dearly but he throws your heart out like trash. That's not fair at all.

She did take him from you and he didn't give the relationship a fair chance. They're both complicit in breaking your heart and setting a terrible example for our society. They're allowing others to do the same. And...it's total [email protected]#$.

The best way to cope is to establish healthy relationships with good people. He's become a habit so take your time slowly healing from it. I wouldn't recommend dating or rushing into a relationship as it will do more damage than good. Try connecting with good friends and family. See if you can involve men in your life in all sorts of ways. The masculine energy can feel really good at times but don't limit it to just men your age. Think of playful boys, wise old men, loving fathers, and so on. Us men really love the company of a woman (even if it is entirely non-sexual and we may not outright admit it). We love women a lot!

As you find people to share your pain and joy with, I bet you'll feel a lot better and heal a lot faster.

That's my 2 cents .
Thank u sooo much for your reply. This really helps. Another reason I think I beat myself up is because there were times we'd disagree and seems like everytime he would say some crap like I can't do right by you, maybe were not supposed to be together which made me feel like he wanted away from me. So I'm feel like maybe I should've walked away or let him leave but I still don't think that would've lessened my hurt. I think he justifies his cheating by saying well I told her I couldn't do right by her, I don't know who would agree that's it's justifiable to line up another woman before u leave the one you're with, but I know he tells people and probably get that it was my fault and I wouldn't let him leave me or something crazy like that.
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Old 12-11-12, 08:53 PM   #4
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I'm sure he has his weird, confusing, and conflicting reasons. It's like a cloud of confusion in his head. He made poor choices and used poor judgment. He should've just stuck to one course of action as opposed to taking the coward's way out. If he didn't want to be with you, then he should've made the breakup clean. There's a certain etiquette to this stuff. But, that's something for him to deal with. His mistakes and guilt are for him alone to deal with. Those burdens are not for you to carry.

Because you liked/loved him so much, the pain likely would not have been lessened. That's not to worry though because pain can be a bit overrated at times. I find it peculiar that I've personally thought pain was much worse than it actually is at times. I could never justify lining people up like that because it would be so callous to people in your situation.

People who make poor choices morally often justify their own behavior. It's really quite common actually. If a pedophile can say that a young child attracted him/her and that gave him/her consent, then imagine how we justify the less heinous things in life (sorry for this particular comparison). As long as you put faith in yourself, then you should generally be alright. If not, then you'll probably just hate yourself in some weird way. Regardless of what you choose, you'll probably roam back to loving yourself anyway (one way just takes longer).

At this point, it's best to connect with people you share mutual loving relationships with. Bounce stuff off other people who love and accept just the way you are. Healing takes a bit of time and it's not the easiest thing to do. There's no set timeline that you have to abide by; do it at your own pace. I personally have taken 2 years to really heal from my own heartbreak. Totally worth it.

With your counselor, see how you can awaken certain parts of you again. Try probing into self-discovery. Who are you? What do you want in life? What significance do you hope to attain? How do you wish to make an impact in your life and in the lives of others?

Decide your own pace for healing and your own healthy methods of reliving again. When you feel ready (like to the point that you are like really sure about it), try dating/relationships again. In the meantime, you might as well learn more about men and how relationships work. It's fortunately not too hard to learn or work with and you'll learn it in due time.

Try PsychologyToday.com or just google stuff to learn more. My personal recommendation is to educate yourself as much as you can, explore new opportunities and yourself, establish healthy, loving relationships with others, wait on getting a boyfriend/lover/husband for some time, and try loving/accepting yourself.

That should do it quite nicely.
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Old 12-11-12, 09:21 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Patienc3 View Post
I'm sure he has his weird, confusing, and conflicting reasons. It's like a cloud of confusion in his head. He made poor choices and used poor judgment. He should've just stuck to one course of action as opposed to taking the coward's way out. If he didn't want to be with you, then he should've made the breakup clean. There's a certain etiquette to this stuff. But, that's something for him to deal with. His mistakes and guilt are for him alone to deal with. Those burdens are not for you to carry.

Because you liked/loved him so much, the pain likely would not have been lessened. That's not to worry though because pain can be a bit overrated at times. I find it peculiar that I've personally thought pain was much worse than it actually is at times. I could never justify lining people up like that because it would be so callous to people in your situation.

People who make poor choices morally often justify their own behavior. It's really quite common actually. If a pedophile can say that a young child attracted him/her and that gave him/her consent, then imagine how we justify the less heinous things in life (sorry for this particular comparison). As long as you put faith in yourself, then you should generally be alright. If not, then you'll probably just hate yourself in some weird way. Regardless of what you choose, you'll probably roam back to loving yourself anyway (one way just takes longer)

At this point, it's best to connect with people you share mutual loving relationships with. Bounce stuff off other people who love and accept just the way you are. Healing takes a bit of time and it's not the easiest thing to do. There's no set timeline that you have to abide by; do it at your own pace. I personally have taken 2 years to really heal from my own heartbreak. Totally worth it

With your counselor, see how you can awaken certain parts of you again. Try probing into self-discovery. Who are you? What do you want in life? What significance do you hope to attain? How do you wish to make an impact in your life and in the lives of others

Decide your own pace for healing and your own healthy methods of reliving again. When you feel ready (like to the point that you are like really sure about it), try dating/relationships again. In the meantime, you might as well
learn more about men and how relationships work. It's fortunately not too hard to learn or work with and you'll learn it in due time.

Try PsychologyToday.com or just google stuff to learn more. My personal
recommendation is to educate yourself as much as you can, explore new opportunities and yourself, establish healthy, loving relationships with others,
wait on getting a boyfriend/lover/husband for some time, and try
loving/accepting yourself.

That should do it quite nicely.

Thank u so much. This is a big help.
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