"Sometimes it seems like you've given up"
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"Sometimes it seems like you've given up"

This is a discussion on "Sometimes it seems like you've given up" within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Late night fight with the boyfriend last night. I've been unemployed for ~2 mos. now and he's been completely supporting ...

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Old 09-03-11, 04:24 PM   #1
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Late night fight with the boyfriend last night. I've been unemployed for ~2 mos. now and he's been completely supporting me financially in that time. I love him and am very grateful for everything he's given me. We have a very strong relationship... but I'm afraid that my depression may be beginning to get in the way of us growing together as a couple.

He told me "I love you and I really don't mind supporting you but once you give up i think we'll be done". Later he went on to say that he thinks i've already just given up and don't care anymore. I do care very much and I beat myself up every day for what i'm NOT doing for him or for myself... but despite that i still can't wake up before noon and i haven't once gone out seriously searching for a job... I don't feel like I've given up... But maybe I really have. I can't imagine my life without this guy. I've been in a lot of "serious" relationships, but nothing this meaningful.

He said when I give up he will leave. I don't know how to change myself. And I know he's not necessarily a saint either. He kind of rubs my face in the dirt sometimes without meaning to when I just need his love and support, but I don't know how to tell him that and have him actually HEAR me.

Sorry for the rant. I'm very scared. He's the one good thing I have going for myself right now and I need his understanding more than anything.
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Old 09-03-11, 04:48 PM   #2
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If you can tell him what you wrote here I think that would be a good start...or just show him the post.
If you can afford it try seeing a counselor together...if you can't afford it a minister/rabbi/priest might be able to help.
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Old 09-03-11, 04:58 PM   #3
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While reading your post, I believe, my opinion, he doesn't want to see you give up. Maybe, it's his way, of trying to help you keep going, by "putting the relationship in the table."

First of all, while it's extremely difficult to do, you need to quit beating yourself up. I've learned, through years of experience, it doesn't help you, it hinders you. While, I've had times, in my own life, where I just couldn't find a job and beat myself up for it, it made things harder for me. When I would go to job interviews, it was almost like they could see my "desperation" to aquire that job.

My suggestion, for you. First of all, try to start adjusting yourself, to go to sleep earlier. You can take a bath, listen to calming music, light candles/incents. It's trying to help your mind any body, get ready for sleep. You'd be suprised, at how it may help you. Next, when you do have an interview, watch something funny, before you go! The reason I say that, is you're going to be in a better mood and also, "project yourself better." I use to do that, before an interview. I would watch a movie, that I know would make me laugh! When I went in for the interview, it seemed as though, I was more relaxed and answered their interview questions a lot faster and with better responses.

For "changing yourself." I don't believe we need to change, unless we truly see the need for it. If there's something you feel you need to work on, then do what you feel's best for you. I understand, how much you care for this person, but him "holding" a relationship on you, isn't helping you, when you're already upset. Maybe, you should explain that to him. Just my thinking. IF you do decide to, just explain, it doesn't help you, it hurts you. Maybe, he'll "adjust" the way he treats you. Maybe he thinks, this is going to "motivating you," when it truly seems to be causing you more stress. I also would sit down and explain to him, that while no one person is perfect, we all have our flaws, you truly need his support. I sincerely hope, that he'll help, be more understanding, and try to motivate you, in better ways, that are not going to make you feel the way you do now. People, sometimes, just don't understand, that what they say and how they say things, hurt us, not help us.
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Old 09-07-11, 07:22 PM   #4
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I tried talking to him again and we ended up staying up until 9 in the morning talking about everything under the sun. Things got pretty heated a couple of times and we both yelled, walked off, said things we didn't mean... But ended the night discussing baby names. Which I think is good.

Aries- I really love the advice about watching a comedy before going in for a job interview. I definitely feel myself getting very nervous and stressed before interviews and I can hear the desperation in my voice. I will absolutely try it next time I get an interview (cross your fingers for me!)

I've been feeling a little better, a little worse the last few days. Been waking up before noon (that was my goal, at least before noon) since monday. yesterday worked helping my boyfriend with his company so was able to make a little $$ which made me feel good. Cleaned house and today i'm doing some laundry. Feeling productive, but my mind still just wants to shut down and give up. But i'm fighting. I think having the motivation to make him know that I haven't given up is helping.

Thanks for the kind words everyone.
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