Is my husband gay-should I stay
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Is my husband gay-should I stay

This is a discussion on Is my husband gay-should I stay within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I started dating him a few years ago..we instantly connected and had an incredible passionate relationship. I was in love ...

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Old 10-23-10, 09:02 AM   #1
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I started dating him a few years ago..we instantly connected and had an incredible passionate relationship. I was in love with him. During that time I found that someone had been on his computer (in his room) on a lot of gay porn and chat sites. I confronted him with this. He blamed his roommate and said that he occasionally uses his computer. His roommate "wasn't gay" either. So I believed him and continued to allow myself to fall deeper in love.
4 months after we met I got pregnant. He moved in and we started our family..working hard because it is a lot of pressure to adjust to a new way of life..after we had both been single for a while (by choice). I few months after we were living together I was organizing our stuff getting the house ready for our child, I found a cd he made entitled "bad boys-data files"..I had found other cd's with data file on it and it was porn..so I put this in the computer to find nothing but gay men and men masterbating..not one woman..I know it was his because it was his handwriting and the disc was made only one year before we met-because you can see the file dates on the cd...I was so disturbed, angry, upset..and in denial because I was going to be the mother of his child and I wanted so bad for this child's parents to be together also financially it is impossible for us to be apart..so I pushed it deep inside of me and tried to forget about it and i made up excuses for it's existence.
We planned our wedding. Three months before we married we had a fight about some other porn I found...And he lied and said someone sent it to him because of the size of the guys penis. Well that is when I told him I found the CD..he lied and denied it at first until i said i knew it was his because of the handwriting...He completely broke down and finally told me the truth..He said he doesn't know what is wrong with him and said he was sexually molested as a child my a male family friend..He said no one can find out about this his friends, family, etc..
He is not dealing with the fact that he is attracted to men.
..he had lied to me back when we first started seeing eachother...he should have told me the truth so I could have made a decision about moving forward with him in this "life committing relationship". We are married and our son is over 2 years old..I can't get it out of my head..I am sure he still used porn and probably fantasizes about the men in it..I am scared about the chat..or eventually a real encounter...The anger grows more in more inside of me. We can't talk about this in our out of therapy because he doesn't want to...He gets violently angry throwing things and breaking furnature..this is the only thing that makes him this angry..He isn't an abusive or violent person..but this black secret, when confronted, brings out such irate anger.
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Old 10-23-10, 09:33 AM   #2
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Before join this forum I was on another one for people with sex/porn addictions, as I've had/have problems with those things. I remember some of the people on there saying they watched Gay porn but were not gay. I dont remember what their explaination was, or if they even had one.

Anyway, if he was molested then, either way, he should probably try and get help because it seems doubtful he's totally put it in his past since he's still secretly looking at gay porn.
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Old 10-23-10, 09:44 AM   #3
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My opinion (for what it's worth) is that he is gay, but wishes he wasn't.
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Old 10-23-10, 09:48 AM   #4
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My opinion (for what it's worth) is that he is gay, but wishes he wasn't.
I was afraid of that..he doesn't want to be outcast from his friends and family (he is still buddies with his highschool friends)..and hasn't grown up and faced it.
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Old 10-23-10, 09:54 AM   #5
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Throwing things and breaking furnature does not sound safe at all... But is it the porn or chat what is disturbing you or is it that you scare he could cheat you with another man?
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Old 10-23-10, 10:38 AM   #6
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It's possible that he's gay and in denial about his sexuality, as others have said. Men are often classified as either gay or straight though, but there's a lot of in between too. Another possibility is that he's bisexual to a certain degree, but he chose you over a relationship with a man, and uses porn as an outlet for the other part of his sexuality. I don't know if this is the case, just throwing it out as something to consider.

The anger is quite alarming though. He does that in therapy, or just when the two of you are alone talking about it? You need to find some way of talking to him about what's going on; wish I could suggest a good way to go about it in a non-confrontational way.
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Old 10-23-10, 11:02 AM   #7
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I can only imagine what it must feel like.

I had a co worker who grew up in a household with a mother and a gay father. Her mother was a very caring person, and accepted the fact that her husband turned gay during (before) their marriage. It was not because he did not love her, but at the same time he could not deny his sexuality. They both deeply cared for each other, and had to respect each other because they had that love for each other. It was truly unconditional love if you will. They raised a healthy family together too.

I am not sure if you are willing to still be a part of his life. I can only imaine how angry you must feel about being lied to (or not told) about how your partner truly feels. At the same time, I can try to empathize his ordeal as well, as he seems very confused and scared about confronting his issue.

I hope the both of you can work things out for the better.
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Old 10-23-10, 02:17 PM   #8
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The anger is quite alarming though. He does that in therapy, or just when the two of you are alone talking about it? You need to find some way of talking to him about what's going on
It is just alone. He won't go to therapy to discuss this. When we were in therapy together we only discussed the porn in general...

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wish I could suggest a good way to go about it in a non-confrontational way.
I wish you could too
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Old 10-23-10, 02:27 PM   #9
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.. But is it the porn or chat what is disturbing you or is it that you scare he could cheat you with another man?
chatting is cheating..you are interacting with another human in a sexual way...and porn is another issue...I do have a problem with that ..i know some people don't..but when your husband has to secretly go off and use it..you do wonder about the relationship and what "he isn't getting"...and to be honest I find it repulsive...it is infectious on the relationship.
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