I started dating him a few years ago..we instantly connected and had an incredible passionate relationship. I was in love with him. During that time I found that someone had been on his computer (in his room) on a lot of gay porn and chat sites. I confronted him with this. He blamed his roommate and said that he occasionally uses his computer. His roommate "wasn't gay" either. So I believed him and continued to allow myself to fall deeper in love.
4 months after we met I got pregnant. He moved in and we started our family..working hard because it is a lot of pressure to adjust to a new way of life..after we had both been single for a while (by choice). I few months after we were living together I was organizing our stuff getting the house ready for our child, I found a cd he made entitled "bad boys-data files"..I had found other cd's with data file on it and it was porn..so I put this in the computer to find nothing but gay men and men masterbating..not one woman..I know it was his because it was his handwriting and the disc was made only one year before we met-because you can see the file dates on the cd...I was so disturbed, angry, upset..and in denial because I was going to be the mother of his child and I wanted so bad for this child's parents to be together also financially it is impossible for us to be apart..so I pushed it deep inside of me and tried to forget about it and i made up excuses for it's existence.
We planned our wedding. Three months before we married we had a fight about some other porn I found...And he lied and said someone sent it to him because of the size of the guys penis. Well that is when I told him I found the CD..he lied and denied it at first until i said i knew it was his because of the handwriting...He completely broke down and finally told me the truth..He said he doesn't know what is wrong with him and said he was sexually molested as a child my a male family friend..He said no one can find out about this his friends, family, etc..
He is not dealing with the fact that he is attracted to men.
..he had lied to me back when we first started seeing eachother...he should have told me the truth so I could have made a decision about moving forward with him in this "life committing relationship". We are married and our son is over 2 years old..I can't get it out of my head..I am sure he still used porn and probably fantasizes about the men in it..I am scared about the chat..or eventually a real encounter...The anger grows more in more inside of me. We can't talk about this in our out of therapy because he doesn't want to...He gets violently angry throwing things and breaking furnature..this is the only thing that makes him this angry..He isn't an abusive or violent person..but this black secret, when confronted, brings out such irate anger.