We've been together for 5 years, living together for 3. She's always been my rock, and I've always felt like hers. We both have depression and anxiety, but have always been there for each other in love and support. We have always been each other's safe place.
As of tonight we're sleeping in separate bedrooms. Things have been tense between us for a couple months now, and according to her she hasn't felt good about our relationship for even longer. She says I've been moody and dismissive, and she's felt like we lost our connection and that she is emotionally alone. I never really noticed much of any of that, but I think I was probably just spending too much time in my own head, feeling anxious and stressed from my job, and coping poorly.
I know my anxiety's been holding us back. I should've been looking for a better job ages ago, but I've felt too scared. That coupled with the stress from work I guess made me lose sight of myself as a person and as a partner to her. I've always thought of myself as a good partner, and I considered it a point of pride that she was always talking me up to friends and coworkers because of how great she thought I was, even 3 or 4 years into our relationship. Now I've come to realize that for much of the last year I was in a slow downward spiral and I've been dragging her down with me.
I feel like such a failure. Being the man she needed came naturally to me pretty much right from the beginning and I liked being that man. It felt good to know that I meant as much to another person as I know I did to her. And now I've twisted what we had into something awful and I feel like absolute garbage.
We moved recently and signed a year lease that will be up in September. I feel as though if I don't get my mental health in order and do some serious rebuilding of this relationship, when that lease is done she will be too. I'm terrified of losing her, because as much as I've been sinking into my stress and depression recently, I know it would be far worse without her. She's the best person I know and she keeps me afloat when I lose my footing. I just wish I hadn't carelessly dragged her under with me.
I'm going to start going to counselling as soon as possible, and once I've started to get my anxiety treated I'll need to take some action to find a better job. I desperately hope I have it in me to improve our lives enough that she can start to be happy with me again. Losing her would destroy me. I love her so much.