miss my ex so much i want to die... pathetic huh
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miss my ex so much i want to die... pathetic huh

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Old 08-07-06, 05:30 PM   #1
 
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Default miss my ex so much i want to die... pathetic huh

3 months ago my life was perfect. I loved my job, had an amazing girlfriend. our relationship seamed to just get better and better. I had a new group of amazing friends. i can honestly say i was the happiest and most confident i have ever been in my life and the future seemes like this amazing journey ahead.

to no fault of my own my company switched me to a new project where i fealt out of place. i tried too look at it positively and continue forward. the change at work was such a shock to my routine it seemed to carry over to my relationship somehow. i guess i wasnt the ultra confident running to work with a smile guy i had been for so long. the relationship fell apart soon after no matter how hard good i was to her. everything fell apart thereafter. when she told me "i dont love you" it was like the nail in the coffin. first the perfect job, then the perfect relationship... gone.

i've always been the happy one of my friends... the survivor giving friends advice how to deal with things.... but going from what truly was the height of my life, and to have it torn away so fast.... i cried for the first time in years.... and cry everyday since. i rarely leave the house except for work where i force myself thru the day. I cant stop thinking of my project before the transfer, and my ex, and what would have been. the pain i feel now is so bad i would rather be dead and have several times sat comtemplating death and almost tried. I went from the happiest person i knew to a person now on antidepressants and in therapy.... time hasnt healed anything... but just makes me feel worse as i am further and further in time from where i was. i'm obsessed with my ex and hate waking up in the morning to another painful day. i sound pathetic, feel pathetic, and honestly, just writing this make me want to end my life... how did i get here and how in hell to i get out .... all i want is my life the way it was just 3 months ago.... how can everything change for the worst so fast without doing something terribly wrong to cause it?
i am truly lost in pain and loss of faith
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Old 08-07-06, 07:17 PM   #2
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Max, I know just how you feel. Work went to Hell for me also, my girl broke up with me and I now I'm in hell. But 3 months isn't that long, give it more time, things willl get better if you give them a chance, and though you may hate your job, you've still got a job--don't minimize that, it's pretty damn important.

What reason did she give for breaking up with you.
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Old 08-07-06, 08:43 PM   #3
 
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"i dont have romantic feelings for you anymore" "i'm not in love with you"

came out of the blue.... we had just adopted a dog together... her idea...
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Old 08-09-06, 06:50 PM   #4
 
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Max,

I just read through your post and I just wanted to give you a response. This is my first time posting here. I just wanted to tell you that I know how you feel. I just had someone who i love very much tell me that he just doesnt love me. I did everything I could to treat him well and be understanding of him. But no matter what it just comes down to the fact that he doesnt love me. And it hurts so much to hear someone you love so deeply say that. I feel so depressed. It is so hard to get out of bed each day. I constantly think of dying. I just feel like i cant live without him. I remember a point in my life too when I was just the happiest person alive. I mean i was just so incredibly happy about all the little things in life. Its so wonderful when you just meet that person you love so much and you have all these possibilities and excitement. But it makes the fall so much harder bc all of a sudden, your happiness starts to depend on them loving you back. And everything is so wonderful and perfect when they do love you and just empty and dark when they tell you that they dont love you. and your heart just feels like it lost the only reason it had to beat. I wish i had some positive things to say. I dont really because i have been feeling pretty messed up myself, but i know sometimes it helps to know that someone else really feels your pain. It helped me to read your post in some ways. i just feel like i constantly want to die, but i feel so guilty about feeling so sorry for myself. I know i have things in my life that I should be thankful for, and i feel bad that i get upset when people tell me that my life could be a lot worse and that other people go through harder things in life and they survive it. I know that is true, but pain is pain. And losing the love of someone you love so deeply can hurt so incredibly much. I wake up everday wanting to die. I cant stop thinking about him. And i find myself in this strange state of mind. where i just feel like i cant move or do anything and my mind just obssesses over the relationship. all my memories of how we started and our good times play over and over. and then all i can hear is all the hurtful things he said when we broke up. and my heart is just in a constant state of panic. the second it starts to relax another memory comes in and im a mess again. I want it to stop. I dont want to be this way. But i just dont know how to get out of it. My friends dont really understand. there is little they can say. So i find that all I do is avoid them. Some of them have never been in love and others are loved very dearly by the people they are with and never knew what it felt like to have their heart broken. Im just tired of this. I want to go back to being the happy me I once was. But i just feel so hopeless. And i just cant seem to function, which is really worrying me because i have a whole bunch of stuff that i need to do right now. And i know if i dont get those things done, i will just fall into an even deeper state of depression. but it is so hard to be motivated when you just pray every night that god will end your life.

Max, Im sure that you are a very nice caring person and that you probably did your best with this girl. I just want you to know that there is someone out there who at this very moment feels your pain. Thank you for sharing your post.
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Old 08-09-06, 07:54 PM   #5
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Thank you for sharing YOUR post, too, jasmine.
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Old 08-12-06, 04:36 AM   #6
 
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i let a year go by and i was still hung up over my ex. he now thinks i'm obsessed with him and it hurts my feelings a lot cause i'm not. i still care about and he was my first love.

so i say try to get past the grief and pain quickly. i wish i had a lot sooner.
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Old 08-13-06, 10:20 PM   #7
 
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This is my first post so bear with me people, but I read Max, and Jasmine post, and thought I could share my own heartbreak to let them know they are not alone. This will prob. be one hell of a long post. Hopefully one can learn, or take something from it.
I met the person I miss the most seven years ago when we worked together. When I first laid eyes on her, I knew right there and then that I had to get to know her. She was illuminating. Now at the time she was 18, and I was 25. We worked together at a department store, that shall remain nameless.
But we quickly became fast friends through working togehter, and all of a sudden I knew that I was getting feeling for her. She had a boyfriend, and I didn't know what I should do. So we both quit where we were working at, and I was moving into another city. One that is only a few miles where we live, and asked her if she wanted to come over and help me move. She came over, and when she did I had this huge letter, explaining how much I liked her, and thought she liked me the same. But it wasd the boyfriend thing that was getting in our way. She read the letter, and said it was the sweetest thing she ever read, but she was in love with her boyfriend, and it just couldn't work out. I walked her out to her car, and told her I wanted to kiss her, but knew I couldn't. She told me thanks for being open with her, and respecting the bf issue. That if she was single who knows? And that night in her eyes, I knew she wanted to kiss me, as much as I wanted to kiss her. It seemed like her and her boyfriend was fighting a lot. But anyway.
I move and I invited her over one night, and she came over with bf in tow, but he left to go somewhere, and left her alone with me. I was a major drinker then, and was drunk, and here was the perfect girl taking care of me, alone in my place, and I was wanting to be with her so bad. But like the respectful gentleman I am, I just told her I felt the same about her. And she looked at me....like 'Just give it time'. I definately read that.
So time passed we would still be in contact with each other, many nights of hanging out. With this thing between us, like just wait and we will be together. Now I never will say that I didn't date or anything because of my feelings for her, but let's say she was always the one I wanted to be with.
Now time passed and it was just last fall she calls me, and it was like the first time in a year or so. I recently had family troubles, plus I went into isolation to control my drinking problem. Which I am happy to say that I have been sober for 3 thears now. And she told me she broke up with her bf and was wanting to get together, and start hanging with each other again. It had been a long time since we really got to do that. So we started to hang out, getting reaquainted with each. She told me, that she has always had feeling for me, and plenty of times, she did want to kiss me, but the bf thing. She was 25, and I just turned 31. So we decided to explore these feeling we always had for each other. And it was the greatest feelings in the world. I finally had the girl I always wanted to be with, and we were going to work. One of the reason why she said that she couldn't go out with me before hand, other than the bf, was my drinking was out of control, and she couldn't put up with it. Which I see her point of view. I was a major alky at the time.
So a couple of monthes pass, and one day she come over, and tells me that we are breaking up, and she didn't love me anymore. It has been the worst pain I ever felt. Because I have always treated her the same, like a princess. But this is where the real depression starts. She said she still wants to hang out, because she was needing friends and such. And I could never say no to her, so we hung out as friends. Which absolutely killed me, and she knew it.
So as this past winter rolls along, I began to take to cutting myself to get through the stress, of not being with her, and having a crappy job. So I decided to try to go on an anti depressant, which I did for a while, then I began to abuse it, then I just stop taking it. Causing a further darker depression.
She was the one who suggested the antidepressant, BTW and told me that she was going to be here for me, when I need her, because I was there through durning the winter. But she hasn't been. She distant herself from me, and that makes me even more depressed. I been trying to talk with her, but she never has the time, or patience to deal with me. And it hurts, because whenever she does call me, I am always here for her.....
Well I am not sure how much this would help....But Max, Jas, and whoever else is missing someone, you are not alone.
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Old 08-13-06, 10:55 PM   #8
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Izzy, I know just how you feel. I've gone through a similar relationship where I waited and fought for the girl and later on she just dumped me but wanted to stay friends. The problem was it was all on her terms. I was to be there for her but her never for me.

This type of relationship is totally one-sided and very self destructive. Ultimately what I realized is that she was immature, very selfish and self absorbed, she didn't know it, but ....

If you can't control your feelings for her and she is not sensitive to this, at least take a good long break from her. Make her come to you. If she dosen't she may not care like you would like her to.

I feel your pain, I really do.

tiggrr :shock: :cry:
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"The greater the sensibility, the greater the suffering...much suffering." Leonardo da Vinci.

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Old 08-14-06, 09:21 PM   #9
 
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Izzy,

Thanks for sharing your post. I know that it hurts so much to love someone that you would just do anything for, only to have them treat your heart like its something they can just toss aside and pull back when it is convenient for them. Its not fair. Why can't we love the people who really love us back.

It just feels like this pain is never going to go away. But deep down, I know that my intense depression over him has its roots in the other things in my life that bring me pain. I was already down and hurting about other things in my life. It seems like there are some other things in your life that you are also dealing with?

So I've decided that I have to focus on those other things in my life. Change the things that I know will make me a better person. Let go of the things that I can't change. Do the things that I truly enjoy and that make me happy. I made that decision, but following through on it is so damn hard because all i want to do is crawl into my bed and die. I want to call him so much but I think what Tiggrr is saying is right. We have to take a break from them. Cuz trying to get over them while there are still in our lives is impossible and torturous. They are not going to be the ones who will help us through this pain. But i also know that being in their lives also makes us feel like there is still hope that things can work out again. This is just an illusion. And again, Tiggrr is right, we should put ourselves in a position where they have to come back to us. And this time they have to put a little work into that because we are worth it. And if they dont come back, well then that just means they will never love us in the way that we should be loved.

That being said, it is hard as heck. The reality is that I feel like no one will ever want me. And I dread having to get out of bed tomorrow to face another day without him. to face another day being me.

Im scared because I have been in deep episodes of depression where I was barely living, just hanging on feeling like suicide was on my mind all the time. I feel it coming on again and I dont want to go back to that. I dont know if i will survive it this time around.

Izzy, thanks for sharing your post. I know that you are feeling so much pain right now. Thank you because what you wrote does help.
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Old 08-14-06, 09:43 PM   #10
 
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Jasmine,
thank you for your kind words.
Yes it is extremely hard, to wake up everyday knowing that the person you want to see, or hear from is not going to call you or want to see you.
Yes there are also other things going on in my life, but missing my ex is like the summitt on a mountain.
Just wanted to say thanks again, and if you ever need someone to listen, I will be hear for you:) Tonight is being good for me for some reasons:)

Izzy
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