I think Im doing too much....
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I think Im doing too much....

This is a discussion on I think Im doing too much.... within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; my bf and I been goin out for 5+ years... his mom hates my guts... << that causes my family ...

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Old 06-28-06, 02:31 AM   #1
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
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Default I think Im doing too much....

my bf and I been goin out for 5+ years... his mom hates my guts... << that causes my family to hate his family and also causes problems for me and him... my mom pushes me to be perfect to prove to his mom im good enough and lectures me up and down left and right til she's blue in the face about his mom hating me, that i better be perfect, all the rumors and gossip his mom and grandma spreads about me.... so basically we've gone through a lot to be together... but i feel like i've done so much more, sacrificing a lot for him... he treats me well... but i still feel like it's not enough... one of the big thing for me is his family... i know the saying blood is thicker than water... but still.. he lives with his brothers and sister... but they use him for money... they only call him when they need him to do something for them... and they make him buy everything and pay for everything... ok it sounds like im jealous right? but it's not that... i love him and i dont want them or anyone to treat him this way... i tell him all the time but he just brushes it off... these are grown adults that wanted to move out cuz they wanted to get away from their parents... but yet they cant make it if my bf moves out... and yet he'd rather spend time with them... it frustrates the hell out of me... cuz i feel betrayed, cuz here i am wanting to be with him, spend time with him, and im the one he turns to when he needs help... but should i feel that way? i mean its one thing if he was cheating on me but to be jealous of the time he spends with his family... is that even right? or am i just too possesive?? i think this through and i get the same answers... that im right... so i need a second or third opinion... or how ever many it takes... i did attempt to talk to my sister but all she said was i told you to dump his ass.. f*** him and his family.... so what do u think?
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Old 06-28-06, 11:44 AM   #2
 
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You are right for feeling that way though. Of course you don't want to see him taken advantage of by his family.

If you have been with him for over five years I doubt it will change until he moves out though. It's much easier to deal with when you are living together away from them.
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Old 06-28-06, 01:01 PM   #3
 
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Yes, after 5 years you guys have pretty much set the standard for your relationship. I think the part that bothers me is this:

"and yet he'd rather spend time with them... it frustrates the hell out of me... cuz i feel betrayed, cuz here i am wanting to be with him, "

Does he choose them over you most of the time or some of the time? If it is most, then I think you have some real thinking to do. If he chooses them some of the time, then that seems pretty normal to me.

I feel for him in that he is between you (the girlfriend) and them (the family) and the fact that both sides don't get along. Try to avoid being the side that tries to get the most "time" out of him to prove that he loves you more than them. That is probably what they are doing. Figure out with him what kind of time together you guys need to keep your relationship strong, then agree that each will abide by that. There's always the time we "need" and the time we "want," which may be actually causing the problem.

Basically, make it a discussion about YOU TWO and what your needs are. Leave the family issue out of it if possible. (Geez, it was so much clearer in my head as I thought about it. Writing it just takes me in circles). What I am trying to say is replace "family" with anything else that it could be...such as work, sports, hobbies...and so forth. Take out competing with the family or setting it up to be a me-them issue.

Make sense?
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Old 06-28-06, 06:28 PM   #4
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Default Ok here is the thing

I have been kinda where you are right now, I have been diowned by my family called the devil by my wifes family and you know what the only thing thats stoped all the backstabbing was when I finnial got fed up and told her to choose me or them, Tell him he needs to make a choice ,give you proof them he loves you or you will look for someone who does this will let you find out how important and how much he loves you tell him you think it is time to move in togeather . This will at the verry least let you know if he plans on spending the rest of his life with you 5 years is a long time he should be willing to atleast talk about moving in togeather if not I doubt he will ever stick up for you with his family. I lost my family for about a year after i got married as did my wife they will return but they will have learned that you are part of his family by that time.
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Old 06-29-06, 05:35 AM   #5
 
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wow different answers.... i understand not making him choose me or them.. and i also understand the me or them... lol... but its hard cuz that's his family and i understand that family is family... but i mean it's a hard choice to make when he lives with them... but i have talked to him about it (like for the 10,000th time) and i pointed out a lot of examples of his family using him in like 2 days.... i think he knows it, but he may be in denial about his family being shady?? i dont know.... he acts like he understands but yet he does nothing about it... moving out is not an option... my parents would never let me live with him... cuz that "isnt what girls do"... and he doesnt defend me to his family... that's the sad part... his brothers and sisters are more like friends than real bros and sis.. get it? like theyre so afraid to get into arguements or to tell eachother what's on their minds.... i dont know... ive been thinking a lot about this relationship... whether or not i need to let it go or if it's worth fighting for.... so it's another headache ontop of the migraine i have now...
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