Last year I fell in love with a girl; tall, beautiful, nice... at first. She became a real sadistic bitch toward the end, but I couldn't leave her. I would've taken a daily beating if it meant I wasn't alone. She was my entire universe. Then she abandoned me. I was again alone. She tore my heart out and fed it to me and then did her best to avoid me. She wouldn't even say "hi" to me.
It was devastating. I felt like she hated my guts even though I treated her like a goddess. She was the only person I had truly loved, the only person I let get truly close to me. It hurt me so bad that she couldn't even talk to me after leaving me. She was my everything. Even after all she has done to hurt me, I still love her and would love to be able to talk to her as a friend again.
I guess that makes me a lovesick fool. It was obvious she was using me. I doubt she ever loved me at all, but right now that doesn't matter. I'd deal with anything to fill this void in my life. I'm a desparate, idiotic loser with no live. Without love I have nothing to live for. So much of the time I just wish I was dying of an incurable disease.
It's not like it's that surprising that I'm alone. I'm not the most lovable guy around. I'm shy and intelligent. I stay away from alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. Because of this I don't party and I never really get to socialize. It doesn't help that I live in a low population area with a below average intelligence population.
Did I mention that I hate stupid people? And at the age of 20 all of these traits that make me so civilized also make me highly undesirable. Also doesn't help that I do not enjoy spending time outdoors and every woman within 100 miles wants a county boy redneck, which I most certainly am not. And since I'm still a virgin and also can't find a job around here no woman wants to give me a chance.
It doesn't matter that I'm loving, kind, loyal, and understanding. Nobody cares that I'd treat them better than anyone else could and that they would mean more to me than breathing. I would do anything for the woman I love. But it seems no woman wants to love me like I need. Everyday I wake up with a hole in my chest. I honestly don't know what happiness is. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want to love and be loved for once.
I don't really have dreams or aspirations for my life. I've got enough intelligence that I could do whatever I want, but nothing really calls out to me. The only thing I know for sure is that I don't want to do it alone. I lack the motivation to live for myself; if I had a loved one, I would be motivated to make them happy. Unfortunately my lack of goals and motivation also make me undesirable.
And apparently everyone near where I live is Christian and most of then want a Christian man, which I am not. I am an Atheist by choice and have no intentions of converting. I don't care what my lover believes, so long as she allows me to disbelieve in peace. But my "lack of faith" and my assertion that I cannot be turned somehow make me evil and nobody here will have me. Nobody is able to coexist peacefully with people of different beliefs.