Hello Invisibleone and welcome to TTL
You do sound quite down, Invisibleone
I am glad that you found TTL and that you are talking about how you feel.
I can relate to some of the things you said in your post
so I understand how hard it can be to an extent at least. It's the doubts that can be difficult to shake: the endless questioning. "Did/Does he love me?" "Am I asking for too much?"; the insecurity and self-doubt too-it could
make you feel undesirable or worthless and needy, and of course the fear that the marriage may not survive it.
Just saying those, so you see that you're not alone
Not that you are having those exact feelings necessarily.
I know what you mean by how confusing the "you can't change others,you can only change yourself" is. It did worry me too after I thought it made sense, because it really is true. What we think, though, is that we have to be with the person. We really cannot change others, unless they want to! We cannot make them! They will only resent us more and feel they're not good enough for us. It pushes us/others away further really-whoever the target is!
Changing ourselves first doesn't mean we become doormats and deny our own needs. It's, in my opinion, giving the other person the space to be themselves and to feel accepted. It's working on loving our own selves and being secure in whom we are-accepting both yourselves really.
Sometimes, it's the fear from our insecurities that makes us as people demand more from others. I mean this in a general sense.
My advice is this, Invisibleone
Start with yourself and I'd explain why. When I was in a similar situation to yours, I let it affect my sense of self-worth. I defined myself by it. I was so miserable.
Please try to take care of yourself-your mind too. My therapist told me once that some of my depression was due to how I felt about my relationship. I suspect it might be the same for you
We all want to be loved and cherished by the one we choose.
Maybe see if you get some therapy for yourself first?
Not saying you should ignore him totally, but you need to be in a good place too in yourself, to be able to see your own worth as a person and woman
I don't know if I'm communicating this right, so will stop here for now-feel free to ask for clarification for anything!
I'll look at your thread again later-Keep talking on here.
You're not alone!