I dont know how much more I can take or how long I can stay married
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I dont know how much more I can take or how long I can stay married

This is a discussion on I dont know how much more I can take or how long I can stay married within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I dont know where to start really, or if anyone will understand. I am 28 years old, my husband is ...

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Old 08-06-12, 02:09 AM   #1
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Unhappy I dont know how much more I can take or how long I can stay married

I dont know where to start really, or if anyone will understand. I am 28 years old, my husband is 25. We have been married a little over 2 years now. Things were great when we were dating of course, and we got engaged pretty quick. (i know, people said that was a bad idea but i had previously been in 2 long live in relationships and didnt get engaged, close, but didnt). I can remember never wanting to sleep and being estatic to talk to eachother every day. We had a couple of really big fights during our engagement (which he now says was a sign we shouldn have gotten married). He is a great guy, works hard, has great morals, etc. The problem I am having is I feel completely alone and invisible day after day. I do not remember the last time I was kissed, or told I love you. I cant remember the last time I was told I was beautiful. I can remember our last fight, as they happen more frequently (over not getting attention, over never going on dates, over money, etc etc). I can rememebr the last time Iwas told he was not in love with me anymore. I mean the dog gets more affection than me. I ask him to hold me at night and im told its hot, or hes tired, or he has to lay the other way. Or im completely ignored while he reads posts on the internet on his phone or computer for hours every day. We have had sex maybe 3 times in the past 4 months. If we do something he wants to see a movie and im usually fine with it but im realizing more and more that requires no interaction with the other person. I am ignored, he doesnt hold my hand ever. He says I married the wrong person then because thats not him. If im struggling or depressed or losing my testimony he isnt the type to know to do stuff without being told and reminded. How can I hold him and our marriage if I am in deperate need of help myself? Ive suggested marriage counseling over and over. He says people dont argue and fight like we do and make it out. That personalities dont change. Im too scared to see a counselor. Perhaps too prideful. I always hear you cant change others just yourself. So, then what? I change, but he never has to? I just "accept" being ignored in my relationship? I know it cant always be fairy tale but I require attention and love. Especially since im pretty sure ive struggled with depression most of my life. I dont know what more to do. I really just think he doesnt love me and isnt attracted to me at all any more.
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Old 08-06-12, 03:41 AM   #2
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Hello Invisibleone and welcome to TTL

You do sound quite down, InvisibleoneI am glad that you found TTL and that you are talking about how you feel.

I can relate to some of the things you said in your postso I understand how hard it can be to an extent at least. It's the doubts that can be difficult to shake: the endless questioning. "Did/Does he love me?" "Am I asking for too much?"; the insecurity and self-doubt too-it could make you feel undesirable or worthless and needy, and of course the fear that the marriage may not survive it.

Just saying those, so you see that you're not aloneNot that you are having those exact feelings necessarily.

I know what you mean by how confusing the "you can't change others,you can only change yourself" is. It did worry me too after I thought it made sense, because it really is true. What we think, though, is that we have to be with the person. We really cannot change others, unless they want to! We cannot make them! They will only resent us more and feel they're not good enough for us. It pushes us/others away further really-whoever the target is!

Changing ourselves first doesn't mean we become doormats and deny our own needs. It's, in my opinion, giving the other person the space to be themselves and to feel accepted. It's working on loving our own selves and being secure in whom we are-accepting both yourselves really.

Sometimes, it's the fear from our insecurities that makes us as people demand more from others. I mean this in a general sense.

My advice is this, InvisibleoneStart with yourself and I'd explain why. When I was in a similar situation to yours, I let it affect my sense of self-worth. I defined myself by it. I was so miserable.

Please try to take care of yourself-your mind too. My therapist told me once that some of my depression was due to how I felt about my relationship. I suspect it might be the same for youWe all want to be loved and cherished by the one we choose.

Maybe see if you get some therapy for yourself first? Not saying you should ignore him totally, but you need to be in a good place too in yourself, to be able to see your own worth as a person and woman

I don't know if I'm communicating this right, so will stop here for now-feel free to ask for clarification for anything!
I'll look at your thread again later-Keep talking on here.

You're not alone!
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
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depression, heartbreak, invisible, unloved, marriage issues

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