How to deal with this?
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How to deal with this?

This is a discussion on How to deal with this? within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; English is not my first language, sorry for any grammar mistake. I started going out with a girl that has ...

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Old 02-04-15, 02:34 PM   #1
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Thumbs down How to deal with this?

English is not my first language, sorry for any grammar mistake.

I started going out with a girl that has had a really rough life, she was raped in two occasions and that left a big scar on her. I liked her and tried to support her and be as caring as I could once she trusted me a little.

I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of personal space and usually feels strapped in relationships. Because of that I felt the need to tell her that I didn't want to rush things, that I don't see relationships as a job and we would only talk and see each other if we both wanted, that she shouldn't expect me to fall in love with her. I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened, but I know it doesn't happen frequently for me and I didn't want her to expect anything.

After some months we started having big fights over silly things. There was a LOT of drama. We agreed to leave each other some time to think about what we wanted. At this point I wasn't sure about the relationship. Not only because of the drama, but because I felt she was more emotionally engaged in the relationship than me and I didn't want to hurt her.

We came back together and in the first two days we had another fight. She told me she didn't know how to act around me because she always felt I was not happy about something, and basically blamed me for everything. I know I gave her mixed signals sometimes, but I don't think she's right about the last statement. I couldn't stand it anymore and I told her I wanted it to end. The problem is that I didn't do it in person, and I deeply regret that. It was an impulsive move. I already apologized for that, but not surprisingly, she didn't care.

I can understand what she says about not knowing how to act around me. And the fact is that I'm a very unstable, lonely and depressed person, I shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place. I have feelings in general, but they are much less intense than other people's feelings. I felt much better around her, but I always had my doubts.

Now I feel like shit, partly because I miss her and partly because I hurt her. She wanted someone she could trust and feel "protected" and all she got was problems. Now she has to deal with the feelings associated with the breakup. I wanted to be that person for her, but I wasn't. I wanted to help her, but I made it worse.
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Old 02-04-15, 03:42 PM   #2
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The short answer (and usually rather complex to grasp in mind) is that you put it behind you. You went, dated, things didn't work out, you split, that's it. That probably sounds cruel but its the shortest way to do it.
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Old 02-04-15, 03:44 PM   #3
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Trying to analyze it or think "how different would it have been" will only make you miserable.
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Old 02-07-15, 11:27 PM   #4
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Now that I don't have her I miss her so much. This is getting more difficult than I expected.
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Old 02-15-15, 01:58 AM   #5
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She asked me to be friends. At first I was happy because it made me feel less guilty and I think we could be good friends eventually. But then her intentions became less clear.

I think she is trying to hurt me. She acts in a friendly manner on the surface, but she makes these "passive" comments that make me question her intentions. The other day she casually said that she got better really fast. It made me feel that I wasn't important. Now she said that she might have a new guitar. Great, huh? Except for the fact that she only has it because her ex forgot it in her house. "Long story", she said. I didn't bother to ask and I kept the conversation about music.

That happend a few minutes after she asked me why did I always appear as disconnected on Facebook to her. I confessed that it was because I was trying to avoid being sad and I didn't want to see her on my list everytime I log in. It was a mistake to put myself in a vulnerable position. I'm learning not to do it with everyone and keeping some things to myself.

I can't get mad because on some level I think I deserve this, but I won't put up with this bullshit if it keeps happening.
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