Friend is hurting himself because of me
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Friend is hurting himself because of me

This is a discussion on Friend is hurting himself because of me within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; A few months ago I met this guy in uni. I’m 21 and he’s 16 (he started at 14). He ...

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Old 09-18-18, 08:36 PM   #1
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Default Friend is hurting himself because of me

A few months ago I met this guy in uni.
I’m 21 and he’s 16 (he started at 14).
He used to live in my dorm building and we had mutual friends, besides I’m a naturally outgoing and friendly person, I like a person based on their personality. Anyway we started hanging out. We got close and he was there for me for some hard times I had. At some point I started sleeping over in his room, we’d eat dinner together and then fall asleep holding hands. (Seperate beds)
Then he started acting different. I noticed he would try to pull me away from friends by talking negatively about them to me and ruining his friendships with guys that would hit on me.

He had a habit of getting angry/petty over trivial things. (e.g: if I had a guy over at my room) he would actually kick him out of my room. Tell others “I was only his.” He was kicking a dog once that I used to pet to which I got angry. He threw food on the floor once because I didn’t pay attention to him. He would get involved in my problems without my consent (e.g: deleting a chat on my phone between me and an ex friend behind my back, sending a voice note insulting a friend I had problems with.) he would say if I liked a guy I should tell him first so he can research him. He also had bought me an expensive perfume before I left as a “thankyou gift”.

After I travelled back he was telling me he felt depressed. I was there for him, then he confessed that he likes me. Now I had made it pretty clear that nothing would ever happen between us because 1) the age difference and 2) I only saw him as a friend. He knew that I had a history of volatile relationships and friendships (and was almost raped by my best friend) so I didn’t like to date.
After that he said he doesn’t want to be friends and blocked me. However he came back an hour later blowing up my phone with calls and texts. He sent one of his friends to convince me to reply. He said he understands and would settle to just being my friend. Everything was fine. He’d speak to me daily and send me photos/videos of his adventures and whatnot and would ask for me to do the same. (We’re in different countries) Then he planned with my one of my friends a surprise for me. He asked her to buy me a necklace with a flower and print his letter. Then he wired her the money. He knows that I don’t usually accept gifts from men but he told me I should as it was an early birthday gift. I sent him a long message thanking him. Then he would bring it up in our conversations. Once telling me the price, second telling me how much effort and time it cost him to buy it.

However I got busy with a summer job and I would reply once a day. He started getting desperate, so one day he told me he had harmed himself because of me. I felt depressed and asked him for time and space. He didn’t respect it. He started contacting my best friends and asking them for help to fix us. I kept talking to him and trying to pretend like everything was fine. Recently one of his friends contacted me saying he has changed. That he couldn’t stop crying and wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. He also advised me to block him. Then after I spoke to him today he sent me photos of his self-harm.
I don’t understand what is going on with him? I don’t think this behavior is acceptable. And I don’t know what to do
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Old 09-21-18, 05:22 AM   #2
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@Kara...difficult situation for you really..so to speak i see your friend more as an obsessive control person in a deeper platonic teenage love?folks like that only see the person they are in love with and will do anything to rule out or obstruct any person who wants to come inbetween..i reckon it will be difficult for you to shove him aside because of his self harming?if he behaves aggressive and starts even controlling your e mails,social media interactions etc..then it's time to say goodbye to that fellow..jealousy can go very far..typical case of a dude who wants to control you and his love towards you or vice versa...take care...
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Old 09-21-18, 11:19 AM   #3
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He's not hurting himself because of you. In other words, it's not your fault. You made it clear from the start that you weren't looking to date. He just sounds disturbed. His happiness is not your responsibility. I would distance myself from him. Easier said than done, I know, but you have to put yourself first.
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Old 09-26-18, 07:33 AM   #4
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How are you? Are you still worried about your friend?
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