found my true love, but too late
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found my true love, but too late

This is a discussion on found my true love, but too late within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; i've been having an affair with a co-worker for over 6 years. this relationship has been on & off over ...

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Old 07-19-06, 03:51 PM   #1
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Default found my true love, but too late

i've been having an affair with a co-worker for over 6 years. this relationship has been on & off over the years. we've both tried to end it, though usually it was me trying to end things. i truly love him, but i'm finding it very difficult to end my marriage. i have 3 children and thoughts of breaking up my family cause me great pain. i don't know that i was ever really in love with my husband. he rescued me from a situation of being a teen parent when i was 18. i was living at home with my parents and going to college, but my parents were causing me much grief. at age 18 i didn't know how to handle this grief and welcomed the chance to leave. my husband tries to be good to me, but has told me that he "never learned how to be thoughtful and considerate". after being together for 20 years i thought he might have learned by now. he doesn't drink, do drugs or hit me. i've always reminded myself of that over the years and told myself things could be so much worse. i've tried to appreciate what i have. then along came a man who appreciates everything about me and wants to spend the rest of his life loving me. he says my happiness is his assignment in life. it seems too good to be true, but he keeps reminding me that it's not. i don't know what to do. adultery and divorce don't fit in with my family's christian life style. i don't completely understand why i cheated to begin with and why i haven't been able to stop ... except that my marriage has been lacking something i've desperately needed.

my lover wants me to leave my failing marriage and start a life with him. i have reservations. i don't know if i'm strong enough to deal with all the hurt i feel i'll cause my children, the embarrassment at work (we work in the same department), the embarrassment with my family (with all the christian attitudes), etc.... some days my pain feels endless, i feel like i've ruined my life, i just want the pain to end .... and i think the only way to end the pain is to end my life.

i've been to counseling, but it didn't help. i don't know what to do next to help myself.
daisy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-20-06, 09:55 AM   #2
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Well, you're in a difficult situation. You said that you don't want to go to your lover because of the pain that it would cause your children and your husband, and suicide seems to be the only way out.

How can ending your life cause less pain than leaving them?

If you leave your husband, you can still stay in contact with him. You just need to explain to him that every human being has one need in life: they need to be loved! Your children will be confused, but you need to explain to them that you feel like you're in a rut and you can't go on as you are. Hopefully they will understand; even if they don't, they will eventually.

Your husband sounds like a very generous man. The fact that he took you in and cared for you out of kindness is unbelievable, but if he can't love you and truly care for you then you mustn't feel obliged to stay with him out of gratitude. Never think to yourself that you should end your life because your children and husband will be upset if you leave them no matter what; if you left their lives forever, with words left unsaid and confused thoughts, the pain that they feel would be unbearable.

Don't beat yourself up for having an affair. If you lived a life bereft of passion and deep love then it can only be assumed as natural. Ask yourself how much you love your other man: is he better than your husband? Forget about Christian beliefs; in my view, there is no God, but as yours are different...does God not say that commiting suicide is against his wishes? In the Old Testament (I'm not sure where) and in the Hadith (Muslim equivalent of Bible) women are given permission to leave their husbands if they have lost the passion and love every human is entitled to.

Even though I'm not really old enough to understand marriage and the concept of leaving one man for another, I'm here for you if you ever need to talk. Above all, get those suicidal thoughts out of your head!

Don't let the beauty of the world pass you by.
DarkRainclouds is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-20-06, 11:16 AM   #3
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
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Quote:
my husband tries to be good to me, but has told me that he "never learned how to be thoughtful and considerate". after being together for 20 years i thought he might have learned by now.
this is pretty significant in your relationship with your husband. has he tried to "learn" thoughtful and considerate now? to say that he never learned it and to know that he needs to would seem that he would seek help in figuring it out. for example, to say that i'm an alcoholic would be the first step, but if i never go to AA or seek help, then my words are nothing. i'm still an alcholic and nobody would accept it as just that.

20 years is a long time to be with someone, so i totally get why leaving would be such a mountain. i agree with what darkrainclouds said. everyone will get through this - even the children - and in the end, things will seem right. i think what holds you back is the idea of "affair" as your reason for leaving.

think of it this way. pretend there is no other man - no affair. he's gone...he didn't exist. ok...now would you consider a divorce? if the answer is still yes, then you know you are thinking with the reality of your marriage. if your answer is no, then you are thinking in terms of someone else "rescuing" you, just as your husband did in the first place.

you have to be willing to be alone - no lover and no husband - to make sure that you are making the right decision. it is great that you are so considerate of all involved. it shows that you truly respect and love your husband in spite of his lack of affections.

good luck with it. no use beating yourself up, but stay focused

irishred
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