emotional cheating??
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emotional cheating??

This is a discussion on emotional cheating?? within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; How do you feel about emotional cheating??? I understand everyone's boundaries are different... I hate hate hate being lied to. ...

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Old 06-09-15, 01:37 PM   #1
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How do you feel about emotional cheating???
I understand everyone's boundaries are different...
I hate hate hate being lied to. I always rather hear the truth no matter how brutal.
Anyways, long story short, my boyfriend and I decided to move out together and he said he had a friend moving at the same time that we could take over her lease. I said that sounds great.
This was back in February, during this time my dad and grandfather were in the hospital with pneumonia and I was helping to take care of my mom. I got a call at my mom's house from another one of my BF's friends and she told me this "friend" of his with an apartment is actually an ex-GF.
Since then I have found out that he went behind my back offering to help her other times. She really messed him up, cheated on him and has been with multiple other friends of his.
He offered to drive her to DR'S appts because she is pregnant with some other guys baby and doesn't drive.
She works at my bank here in town so now I have to drive out of my way to avoid her.
She is actually no threat to me, it is more of a panic and deep humiliation I feel when I see this so-called "friend" now. We ended up moving into a place together (BF and I), but all I do is regret it. I wish I had the strength to be on my own for a change.

Sorry for the rambles... my PC is broken and I am typing on my tiny phone.

I guess my question is has anyone been through something like this and how did you cope?
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Old 06-09-15, 01:59 PM   #2
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I havent been through this, but i can offer you my opinion on topic :)

I am sorry you feel bad in that relationship coz of his ex. But where almost every break up happens, nowadays thats end of 2 peoples friendship. But there are always exceptions, like your boyfriend made, and btw, my only ex was my bestie for a long time. Sometimes even though something is unhealthy, when someone tortures us, like she is doing to your boyfriend and you, we still like them. Your boyfriend likes her as a friend, i believe, of course, i dont know full picture, but i presume.

I am not defending it, he should have said full truth, truth no matter how hard it is, hurts less then when you find out that lie is a lie.


Hope i helped a bit
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Old 06-09-15, 02:52 PM   #3
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Thanks NSD,

I don't even feel bad because of his ex, I feel bad because he lied to me about who she was and tried to involve me without giving me a choice.
If he had said my ex whom I am still friends with has an apartment available, I would have been able to say 'well that's cool, but I'd rather find something on our own'.
I am totally fine with being friends with exes, in my previous relationship I was friends with my BFs ex. Because my prev boyfriend presented her as an ex and a friend and gave me the choice of whether or not I want to get involved.

My current partner says the reason he did not disclose everything is because he just thinks of her as a friend now and didn't think it was any of my business. My issue is that once he involves me and my life choices it definitely is my business.

I just feel like I can't trust him anymore and since this was going on long before I found out, I feel like the relationship is false.

I think I just need to ramble here, so thank-you anyone who happens to read this for that too.

I struggle with depression, anxiety and a few other conditions and stuff like this just sinks me down further into my pit of self hate.
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Old 06-09-15, 02:58 PM   #4
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PS NSD - your words did help a lot. Thanks for the point of view. :)
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Old 06-09-15, 06:07 PM   #5
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I am glad i helped a bit

Yeah, i get what you mean. Relationship where there is no trust cant succeed, but there is a thing of trust that i think makes relationships without a trust be given a chance. Trust is built over time, it takes a lot of it to develop. I hope it develops and fixes your relationship.

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Old 06-10-15, 12:25 PM   #6
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Beautiful words, ty.
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Old 06-10-15, 03:15 PM   #7
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modern life has changed what we used to view as family or friends, its no longer two parents, two kids and a pet. Relationships that break up can develop into platonic friendships but it's always harder for new partners as its a part of your bf's life that you aren't in and therefore can feel alienated by.

If there are trust issues in your relationship then you could question whether this is an isolated incident or an ongoing problem. Having gone through a divorce my ex is my best friend and new partners are told this at the start which I know is quite tough. I try to be as understanding as possible if my gf is annoyed but i'll discuss her fears which seems to be something you haven't had.

Your boyfriend may never see it as a problem but he should see that it has affected you so regardless of what he thinks he should listen to your concerns in order to allay them. Most men fear relationship talks because as a gender we aren't that great at them but communication is a vital part of any successful relationship (divorce withstanding lol)
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Old 06-10-15, 06:42 PM   #8
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Hi Loco,

Yes, I totally agree with you...
My issue is that he presented her as just a friend, not an ex and then after I found out they had a history he went on to tell me how much she messed him up and blah blah blah.
I just wish I was in the loop from the start since I am new to this small town and she lives a block away from us.

Anyway, I am also off all of my meds, so I think if I can muster up the guts it would be helpful for me to seek out therapy.

I am having trouble leaving the house now, I feel very out of it and alone.

And I would say you had a successful marriage and divorce if you two are friendly hehe!
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Old 06-10-15, 08:23 PM   #9
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my husband did stuff like that. He would always say " this person at work did this or that" and one time outright said " a guy who is retiring gave me this guitar" and it was a female! And it was an expensive guitar! anyways, there wasn't anything going on, but he thought he was protecting me from distress, also known as "avoiding my drama". I was angry and hurt that he just assumed I would be all drama-y in the first place. I put up with it for years and never said anything and finally I just told him just freaking tell the truth. then of course he just stopped talking to me..but I am working on that and things are actually improving. yeah but really, I unfortunately tell too much truth and i expect everyone else to do the same, but some people think they are supposed to omit certain things for some reason, like to keep the peace, or make someone happy. but I think it's just more polite to tell the truth, even if someone's feathers might get a bit ruffled. cause maybe they won't care. but everyone cares if they find out you've been lying. know what I mean? it is humiliating to find out you've been lied to ( or truth omitted) cause then you get all paranoid wondering how many people knew? and how many people are looking at you thinking" aww..she got lied to"
when i am in sane-mode, I am truthful to a fault. but during not-so-sane times..pants on fire! so I have experienced both sides. and they are both horrible.
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i need to calm down...
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Old 06-10-15, 10:03 PM   #10
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Hey Tess,

Yeah, I am honest sometimes even to much so for my own good I've been told.
I was just lied to so much since I was very young it is something I hold sacred and need in order to feel safe.
I am glad you worked things out and my BF has since made a huge effort to understand going forward with me it's honesty, communication or nothin'.
I hate second guessing or having an intuition about a situation and then finding out I was right at a later date. It's tortuous and can throw me overboard when it all comes out in the end.
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