i went to spend the night at my sisters new house last night. she lives right between two cheap hotels. and i was doing good all day, i had kept myself busy all day until i had to leave t go there and i had gotten my x out of my head all day. then i saw these 2 hotels, and the first thing that came into my mind was "cool, now when andy comes we can stay there."
it was almost like an immediate reaction. and i felt so shitty for it. i had to wear his chain over there but i was missing him so much and everything and then we sat in my sister living room and we were talking and everything and i was able to get him out of my mind again, but then my sisters bf came home. and they started kissing eachother, saying i love u, i missed u, and i cuddled up on the couch, telling each other about there day and everything. and it made me feel so depressed bc thats wat i always wanted to do with my bf, just have him come home after a long days work , have dinner already made, so we can cuddle up on the couch and everything. and i looked out the window and all i could see was the hotel, and that just made it worse. i took off the chain and held it for a few minutes and i got so angry at myself for feeling this way. then i had to go sit outisde for a few minutes bc i was about to cry and i think my sisters bf understood bc he sort of pulled away from her after that. but as i was sitting outside, i was able to clear my head and put the chain bk on. then my sisters friend came over and i just wnted to punch her. literally, every third word that came out of her mouth was 'like'. omg, i like hated it. so like i just zoned her like out the like hole time she like was there,
which just left me to daydream about my x.
then i slept on the couch aqnd i felt so lonely and miserable. i new b4 i left i hsouldve taken like a teddy bear or something, but i thought id be fine. but i had to jus tlay there on the couch and think and stare at the cieling and over analyze and make myself feel so shitty which didnt help the fact that i oculdnt sleep already. i kept wondering "whats andy doing" and everytime i regretted it. but its all icould think about. i was just running my mind in circles all day yesterday.
i seem to be getting better and moving forward, but then something happens so im pushed bk to the starting line.
we've been talking as friends, and it feels so good to talk to him,but after i we stop i find myself missing him and wanting to be so clingy like i used too. i think im going to have to stop being friends with him. just bc......
idk, idk wat i should do. i thought going over to my sisters would be good to get out of the house and all. and it just made me feel the same i wouldve at home, except my sister and her bf kept getting mad at me for zoning out every now and then and not talking much. atlast at home i couldve hid out in my room.
i just dont no. i want to get over this hump so badly but im stcuk down here at the bottom of it.