The arrogance of Facebook
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The arrogance of Facebook

This is a discussion on The arrogance of Facebook within the Love and Relationships forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; So, this is a few things rolled into one (hopefully not too contrived) thread. I'll start with this one: About ...

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Old 11-26-11, 07:37 PM   #1
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So, this is a few things rolled into one (hopefully not too contrived) thread.
I'll start with this one:
About a month ago, I went to a friend's LAN party (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's where a group of people connect their computers together to set up a Local Network and are therefore able to play games/share files with each other). It was an alright time, I enjoyed myself and whatnot. The only thing is this: there was a guy, who seemed like quite a nice person, who began to hit on me...quite openly. Now, I'm not gay (as far as I know). I don't find any attraction to the same gender as myself - and perhaps I should have made this a bit clearer to this guy, but no - I tried to be nice, not rude, good humoured. He began to say very suggestive things, kissed me on the cheek, put his arms around my shoulders etc etc. I was ok with the fact that he was acting friendly towards me, I was also flattered that despite my sexual orientation being otherwise, I was found to be attractive. But frankly, the way he was behaving/what he was saying was not my cup of tea. Even if I was gay, he wasn't the sort of person I'd consider having a relationship or 'hooking up' with. Essentially, he was being quite slutty (sorry if that word offends...but that's the only way I can think of describing the behaviour).
I spoke to my friend (who was the host of the party) and told him that I wasn't really interested or comfortable, since I had recently broken up with my girlfriend and wasn't gay - so he spoke to the guy while I went and fell asleep.
So that's what happened then and I haven't really heard anything since.
Until last night. I received a facebook message from him, wherein he gave his phone number and said that he'd love to meet up. Furthermore, when I wrote a status about seeing a movie with my best mate last night, he commented saying "I would have come with you, but I have to money," to which I responded "blast!" and he replied with "I didn't know you liked me that much."
So the way I see it, he's still fishing for something with me.
I just don't feel up to even responding to the message...I don't like being arrogant, but it seems easy and desirable to just ignore the message altogether. It feels to me, though, that by doing so I'd come across as an ignoramus, as rude and as unfriendly.
I'm really sorry for the amount I've written here - I did say that it wasn't going to be contrived - alas I was wrong!
Any advice as to how I should deal with this would be very welcome.
Thanks in advance

FN
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Old 11-26-11, 08:17 PM   #2
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i think you need to just tell the guy that you are not interested, kinda thanks but no thanks, and if being nice about it does'nt work well then stronger measures are needed
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Old 11-26-11, 08:51 PM   #3
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I am a heterosexual female but I have been hit on by people of both genders, some times quite aggressively. My experience has been that if somebody, no matter their orientation, is not willing to respect your wishes with the subtle approach it is wiser to be more aggressively clear and up front about it then to let it slide. Putting up with the problem just causes you a lot of discomfort and wastes time. If this man is so stubborn that he can't take a polite "no," then a less polite "no" may be your best ally. Some people are thick like that where courtesy is lost on them.
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Old 11-26-11, 09:15 PM   #4
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Thankyou both for your replies :)
What I'm concerned about, though, is whether by saying something akin to what you suggested that I run the risk of having misinterpreted his message? Perhaps he wants to catch up as friends? I mean...I'll be honest, I don't particularly want to catch up with him, mainly because of his attitude and also because I'm not comfortable with meeting up with people I barely know. But it might seem rude of me to reject the offer to 'hang out' upfront. I don't know...
This is why I had the conviction to just ignore the message - but even then, it'd be pretty arrogant..
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Old 11-26-11, 09:32 PM   #5
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well then, tell him that! say that you dont like to hang out with ppl unless you know them well enough. if he suggests to continue to talk online, then go for it. then, if he keeps hitting on you, and you know for sure that hes doing just that, then you can say that your not gay and want to be friends. but no matter what, you need to tell him that this is making you uncomfortable, otherwise, hes not going to stop.
and while your talking to him, drop hints, make up a random girl and tell him that you like her, ask him for advice on how to ask her out, etc. drop hints that tell him your straight!
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Old 11-28-11, 07:57 PM   #6
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You can respond to the confines of facebook saying that you are not gay and that you were just trying to be nice. It's really the nicest thing you can do instead of somehow leading him on. Or you could just ask him if he's gay and say that you aren't and that you'd be willing to hang if it's just friends. Just because you are being blunt and honest does not necessarily mean you are rude.
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Old 11-28-11, 10:26 PM   #7
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Quote:
and he replied with "I didn't know you liked me that much."
There was the perfect opportunity. May still be, if you haven't responded as yet to that part of his message.

Since it seems obvious your friend didn't relay your message to this guy, you can do it. Use that excerpt and respond as directly as this guy seems to feel entitled to, thinking you're gay.
"Funny you should say that. Because I'm not. I am not gay and as such I do not want an intimate relationship with any gay man."

Be bold. At this point you see what being nice and beating around the bush gets you with this guy.
Don't ignore him, he'll just pursue you even more thinking maybe that you're unsure of your feelings.

Be sure. You're not gay. You don't have to be nice at the expense of having a gay man think otherwise by your omission.
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Old 11-28-11, 10:40 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaShiva View Post
There was the perfect opportunity. May still be, if you haven't responded as yet to that part of his message.

Since it seems obvious your friend didn't relay your message to this guy, you can do it. Use that excerpt and respond as directly as this guy seems to feel entitled to, thinking you're gay.
"Funny you should say that. Because I'm not. I am not gay and as such I do not want an intimate relationship with any gay man."

Be bold. At this point you see what being nice and beating around the bush gets you with this guy.
Don't ignore him, he'll just pursue you even more thinking maybe that you're unsure of your feelings.

Be sure. You're not gay. You don't have to be nice at the expense of having a gay man think otherwise by your omission.
I would be careful with this. If he isn't 'out' I wouldn't risk outing him to the whole world of Facebook. Because that wouldn't be fair to him. But you do have to say no in some way, just not publically. It also wasn't really fair for him to publically say that to you either though. Thats the internet though...
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Old 11-29-11, 12:02 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by HiddenStorms View Post
I would be careful with this. If he isn't 'out' I wouldn't risk outing him to the whole world of Facebook. Because that wouldn't be fair to him. But you do have to say no in some way, just not publically. It also wasn't really fair for him to publically say that to you either though. Thats the internet though...
Oh he's out about it - at the party he tried to convince me that I was too...like, I'd do or say something (that wasn't in any way pertaining to sexuality - gay or straight) and he'd say "oh you are so gay, I can tell." I just laughed it off at the time - I was a bit drunk.
I responded to his message about texting him - I told the simple truth, I don't have a mobile phone and apologised. If he continues hounding me, then I'll use the tactics mentioned here..
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Old 11-29-11, 09:09 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HiddenStorms View Post
I would be careful with this. If he isn't 'out' I wouldn't risk outing him to the whole world of Facebook. Because that wouldn't be fair to him. But you do have to say no in some way, just not publically. It also wasn't really fair for him to publically say that to you either though. Thats the internet though...
Exactly. It is Facebook. Implying someone on a friends list, etc... in public for all to read, is gay when they're not, stands to harm a persons reputation because FB users use their real names.

So, in self defense, given this guy implied FundamentalNail was gay, I doubt very much that the guy is in the closet since he's flirting with a man in public on Facebook, for all to read. So in effect, this guy has outed himself with his behavior on FB.

The, "I didn't know you liked me like that.", remark could also be something intended to imply FN is gay and making advances while the guy is acting like he's not. And that's why the "like that", is part of his reply. Playing the victim of sexual harassment, as it were.

In any case, I wouldn't worry about the perceived reputation of someone who doesn't care about my reputation by implication, when they imply for all who read to infer, that I'm gay. I'd quite forthrightly state I AM NOT GAY! Just as boldly as he implies I am and may be interested in him.

Because for one thing, it helps send a message as a role model for others who read, that bullying comes in all shapes and sizes and is undertaken for all types of motives.
Pushing someone with gay flirtation, implying they're gay too, when they've made it clear they're not, is bullying and sexual harassment.

I wouldn't give a care about a bullies feelings when bullying implies they don't care about mine. And, standing up to that in public on a forum where the bullying boldly takes place, can inspire others not to let themselves be victimized by this guy or anyone else.
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