Aww Vicky So sorry for your loss.
It is one of the hardest things to try and get your own head around. It has only been a couple of months since this hit your family it will still be raw for you.
Do know the reasons for this? maybe this can help with closing it a little,
You say you haven't anyone to talk with, have you been to the dr? You need to take care of yourself maybe some talking therapy can help and your dr can help set this up for you.
Typing here can also help start the process of releasing some of the feelings you have inside of you.