Thank you very much, I just can't get past that he took his life and I miss him so much. Why can't I look at his pictures I don't get that!

My heart hurts so much, I never knew I had this many tears - it doesn't help my own depression, and wanting to take my life before he did...

Thank you for permitting me to post here.

Oh, sweety, you are always allowed to post here, everyone is!

I threw away all my pictures with my ex... I dont think its helpful, but i did it anyway... Cant really weigh in if it would be a good idea...

Trust me, his ending of life, isnt ending of yours. Eventually, when the time takes its toll, you will meet again. Till then, please, work on easing your pain, find comfort in religion, spirituality, sports, music, art...anything. He would want you to be happy, trust me.

(((((((((((((((Solivita)))))))))))))))

Let me make this even worse! I received a call tonight from a dear friend whom has taken the wrong path and I was putting much distance between due to his downfall into drugs, booze and being arrested.

Well, he said if things don't go well at court tomorrow - he's going to take his life and just wanted to say goodbye to me.

I can't take this anymore, I just can't take it. What did I do to deserve this and why do I have to keep being on this planet and endure this?

I've lost my love... now potentially a friend whom I have zero way of reaching as he closed his cell account, I don't know where he is living now and I can't make it to the court hearing!

I give up, I just give up

Dont give up.... :(((

Those kind of threats are usually not true.... i hope he will be fine... But keep fighting Soli. :(

I've been away trying to deal with my own depression and thoughts of taking my life. I adore this page/forum more than you know. It has helped me more than words can say but still hasn't stopped me from wanting me to join the love of my life in the ever after.

I will say I finally met with a member of his family a few days ago and she handed me a blue bag and inside was a ziploc baggie with some of his ashes. It was bittersweet... part of me held him in my hands and thought this is all that's left of the man I loved with every part of me. The man who kept me from giving myself 100% to anyone in all my life, the one who I was putting MY life into boxes to be with forever and he left me before I could.

The other part of me is in this shocked denial that this bag holds my love... that I still don't have all the answers WHY (long story)... but I have details of "how" he did it and I have HUGE overwhelming guilt that I couldn't stop him.

I have loved others in my life but have never, ever loved like I loved this man - I never will and have had some partners not understand this. My love was an artist and musician and talented beyond belief but the physical pain he endured was too much to bear.

I wanted to say my heartfelt thanks to all who have read this journey and who have tried to advise and help me along the way. Right now it feels like a wound whose bandaide has been ripped off and I don't know where to go from here.

I appreciate more than words can express all you have done and do for me...

You honor him with your pain my friend, so let it rage, let it be expressed, inside you and here as well. I totally understand such sacred soul bonding, it's out of this world and yes it lasts forever. This life is finite, and i want to believe we go on after, to better places. Or maybe come back here..and maybe meet again our true eternal loved ones. Don't hold your tears back, it's not good our intense emotions to be bottled up. He lives inside you now, until you'll be together again. About joining him now...what do you think he'll wanted you to do ? I can't speak for him of course, no way. I just don't think he'd like you to take your life.

I thank you for your words and understanding. I didn't cry this much when my Mom, Dad or Grandmother died. I've known people who have experienced this type of grief but I thought I was stronger - it's ripping my guts out, I'm not sleeping, I cry at the silliest times and feel weak.

I did meet with a family member of his and I now have some of his ashes - which took me almost a day to even look in the package she gave me and of course I have to order something to put his remains in. I'm waiting to get into his place to help clean it out and I was finally able to hear the details of how he took his life (I will NOT post those details) and it has disturbed me greatly.

I called his phone the other day and didn't even remember he was gone - I feel like I'm losing the delicate hold on my sanity - he is in my thoughts every minute of every day. When I am out and I hear someone in a store or whatever call out for someone with his same name I freeze in place and my knees feel weak and I have run from a store in tears. It's been just over 3 months and it still feels like a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from.

I want to be with him - I want to see him and touch him and breathe in his scent and hear his laughter again, hear him play guitar and sing and have him draw for me again... This really sucks.

My blessing is that I have this place to post my feelings and not be told "get over it" - I've stopped talking to friends about him because they say it's time just move on - and here on these forums I feel understood and I thank you so much for letting me come and vent and express myself without feeling like a fool.

People that advise to "move on" so easily, usually have shallow feelings about everything. Sure, some may be good willed and tell you what seems right in their eyes, you to keep going. Never putting themselves in your shoes that is.
It's strictly my personal opinion and by all means right. But i consider what you're going through to be a tribute to him. It needs time, this procedure to be completed. 3 months is not a long time...i went through a serious heartbreak 2 years ago and i kept thinking of her every single moment. When someone we love stops all contact with us is terrible...it's similar to this person leaving this world, only it leaves just our personal world. But the fact they're still living and choosing not to communicate ever again hurts so much. Only after 2 years it starts to fade...the pain, the tip-toeing on the verge of despair etc.
What i'm trying to say is don't fight the grief, don't bottle it up inside, let it rage and be expressed no matter what anyone else says. And yes, this is a very good place, a beautiful haven of people that understand and don't judge or condemn.
He still lives inside you my friend so let him talk to you, play his guitar, make his art. Let this sacred procedure have as much time as it needs.