lost my mom
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lost my mom

This is a discussion on lost my mom within the Lost to Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; My mom died last Monday, July the 10th 2006. My Mom has been fighting depression and bipolar disorder for years ...

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Old 07-19-06, 02:53 PM   #1
 
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My mom died last Monday, July the 10th 2006. My Mom has been fighting depression and bipolar disorder for years now. This was her fourth attempt at suicide and she made sure she wouldnt fail this time. It is so hard right now because I am feeling so many emotions at once. Relief that is finally over, guilt that if I only would have done this or that, anger that she left me. I am 36 years old and have my own kids and could never imagine doing that to them. My Mom had been hospitalized off and on for the past 9 years. Each time she was given different meds and different advice was given to us as to how to help her. We tried everything but nothing ever helped for long. I am frustrated and have been frustrated for a really long time at the mental health system. I guess I am just looking to see that I am not alone in my feelings and experiences.
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Old 07-19-06, 02:59 PM   #2
 
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I am so sorry to hear about this and my heart breaks for you. I have a ton of things to say, but am on a time crunch right now. Just know that I completely understand and know the pain of this moment, this week, and this month. I will come back later and talk to you more, but for now, just know that I care and I grieve for you.

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Old 07-19-06, 03:01 PM   #3
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You are not alone, Tami. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you did everything you could for your mom. Things are just sometimes beyond our control, but I'm sure your love and support was appreciated by your mother even if she couldn't or didn't express it.

Here you will find people to love and support you through this difficult time.

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Old 07-19-06, 04:00 PM   #4
 
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Tami, I'm so sorry for what has happened. I truly am. It was actually people like yourself that convinced me to stop considering suicide as an option and to fight for my right to live, and live well. You see, I also have children and family who love me. I realized what sort of pain I would have put them through had I actually carried out my threats that I've made occasionally during the last 10 years.
I know that she loved you. I also know she probably hated herself more, or thought she did. She made her choice. Do not blame yourself. Remind your family members to not blame themselves. It is exhausting dealing with all that negativity and you did what is superhumanly possible to help. Unfortunately, with suicidal thoughts and depression, people need to try to help themselves. It takes an enormous amount of will power and a stubborn refusal to slip back into negativity to heal. The mental health system is not designed to heal, it is designed to keep people safe and sedated. There are therapists out there who can help, but they are usually not employed by the system.
Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. I understand the sense of relief you have, the anger and the guilt. Allow those feelings, be with them, and just work through it. It won't go a way for a while, but you will eventually feel resolved and better. I wish you all my best.
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Old 07-19-06, 09:18 PM   #5
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Default Dear Tami...

Tami, I am very sorry to hear about your mother, it is very sad. All of your feelings are legitamate and not unusual. It's very hard when you can't help someone you love. But depression can be very powerful and sometimes cannot be conquered, only managed.

Tami, chronic, longterm depression is very hard to treat, I know people who have been suffering from it for decades--a lifetime--have been through a pharmacy of drugs and an army of therapists and still they are not well. In that type of situation, I think the best anyone can do is the best they can do... It sounds like you tried really hard to help and I'm sure you did so don't be mad at yourself, don't punish yourself.
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Old 07-21-06, 01:00 AM   #6
 
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i'm so sorry for what you're going through. it's been 8 months since my mom committed suicide and it's really just started to hit me - nightmares, things i couldn't have imagined, not good...

my doctor said something yesterday: i don't grieve for her, because she is at peace, i grieve for me. she is probably right - and it still is horrible - but it gave me just a little perspective on this nighmare.

i'm not sure folks realize the additional turmoil of remembering a life with a mother who was sick - so much conflict... as my doctor said, at least one of us is resting.

i hope you can find some peace.

renee
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Old 08-01-06, 08:31 AM   #7
 
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Default Remember your kids, Tami.

I think it sounds crazy to hear that at least, you have kids. I know a mother can not be replaced by anyone. I am sorry for your loss, but I am grateful that you will never leave your kids like that. My mom did that to us. I am 18 then, my brother one and four months younger. Now, I am 32 and I still hate her. She had everything to be grateful for. We, her children, should be the source of her happiness, pride and joy. We always do good in everything, we're both scholars, both achievers, strong-willed persons. Still, she killed herself for a very pathetic reason -- jealousy of my dad. My father who swore to her lifeless body that there has been no one else in his life but her. AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE. I believe that in my heart. He was 46 when mom died. He was sixty now. AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE.

Genes has something to do with it. Maybe someday, you'll wake up and feel like you can't live a day longer. Remember your kids, Tami. I want to tell you all the sufferrings I've suffered, the relationships I busted, the times I attempted suicide. I am destroyed for life. The only reason I'm still here is my dad. If he'll only agree to overdose with me, then I won't be here sharing this with you.
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Old 08-05-06, 07:06 AM   #8
 
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tami i am very sorry to here about your mom. be glad you had time to try and help her. be sad that she is gone, be happy there is no more pain she has to endure that noone understands. i did not even know my son had a problem till he was gone, and if i could bring him back with no problems, i would. but sometimes people experience things no one understands. the most we can do in life is try to listen and help the best we can. i health care system does stink. if you read the side effects to some of the drugs they prescribe for depression and anxiety you will see they cause the things they are supposed to help prevent. some therapists are in it just for money. others really want to help but who can afford those ones? well i hope you realize that your mom loved you but just couldn't deal with her own demons. remember reveryone here will do there best to help and understand. write anytime. love skyhope
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