Lost my Daddy to suicide
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Lost my Daddy to suicide

This is a discussion on Lost my Daddy to suicide within the Lost to Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I am fourteen and have lost my dad to suicide in March this year. I'm so angry at him and ...

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Old 06-01-14, 12:42 AM   #1
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Default Lost my Daddy to suicide

I am fourteen and have lost my dad to suicide in March this year. I'm so angry at him and yet the love for him I feel is bigger than any hate. He took his life early morning alone. And even if I couldn't stop him I wish I could've been there to hold his hand and tell him I loved him and I was grateful for everything he did for me , sacrificing his life just to give me nice things being there even when I turned away from him. I wish I could've got just one more chance to make things right. The last words I said to him were "See ya" and it kills me everyday why they were not the words "I love you"

I miss him so much . I never thoughts I could ever hurt this much. My heart is literally breaking into a million little pieces as life goes on around me and new movies come out and friends birthdays comes and go. All I want to do is freeze time because it's going to fast , I'm drowning in the seconds and minutes and hours. Because every second that ticks away is me growing further and further away from my Daddy and it feels so wrong to be forgetting him. It feels so wrong to be imagining a future with out because he's only ever always been right by my side. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't talk to my mum because even though they were separated she still loved him , she knew him since she was 19 and she just breaks down into hysterical tears whenever I try and talk about him because she blames herself. They had three kids together. I can't speak to my little sister because she is 11 and just blocks everything out, and my brother is 22 and is hardly ever here. He deals with his pain with drugs and alcohol not family. I have friends but this just KNOW what I'm feeling. It's so hard to explain because even though I'm surrounded by family and friends I feel more alone than I ever have done in my life and the only person who I want to speak to about my dad's death is my dad. My faith is shattering because I don't know why God would let a poor man suffer for so long , It kills me not to know where he is. If he even exists anymore. All I have of him are ashes in a tub. And that feels so wrong. How can a person just be ashes? Their strong loving hands which represent trust just be gone. Their bright eyes and laugh and smile just gone. I'm fourteen but sometimes I feel like a five year old because I don't understand how anyone could ever take their own life. I was there the whole time. I was there for him , but every time I tried to talk he turned away. and I don't know why. I don't know how to go on. I really don't and I don't mean suicide I just mean life. How do you live through this much pain? I didn't get enough time with my dad. 14 years is not fair. I was cheated but I don't know who by. I need help. I need help so bad because I just want to go to sleep forever and never wake up rather than feel this much pain and hurt and guilt and regret and sadness. I don't know how else to explain my feelings inside so I wrote a poem here it is :

Iím trying to be brave
And Iím trying to be strong
But I just donít understand
Where it all went wrong

It pains me to remember
But it hurts more to forget
So I shake my head to stop the thoughts
Clogging up my head

I squeeze my eyes tight
To stop the running tears
I find it hard to smile
As I realise the lost years

The day is a mountain, scary, and hard to climb
The minutes are hours and the hours get lost in time
The seconds only add to my clock of despair
No one can take away my pain, except you and I canít see you anywhere

It seems like Iím just waiting but for what I just donít know
Like if I just keep waiting somehow it all will go
If I keep wishing and praying every night
A miracle will happen and everything will be alright

I canít help but feel so angry
When I think of what you did
Just decided to give up
Destroyed by the secrets that you hid

Did you think you would make it better?
Did you think we wouldnít care?
Did you think just for a moment?
That we wouldnít despair?

Iím so angry at you and the tears youíve made me cry
So angry at you walking right out of my life
So angry at you for not trying to be strong
So angry at you for being so wrong

But still I often wonder where you are now
And if you can see me high up above the clouds
And if you can, can you see the pain?
Can you see the tears and sleepless nights?
And the stress and the worry as we turn out the lights?
Can you see the regret and sadness and blame?
Can you see that in the end no one won the game?

I miss you so much, itís tearing me apart
I miss you so much itís breaking my heart
I miss you every second of every single day
I miss you so much, words canít explain
I miss your laughter and your stupid silly jokes
I miss the way you cooked us meals cheesy pasta or even beans on toast
I miss the gleam in your eye as you talked of your day
I miss the way you knew what I wanted before I would even say
I miss how annoyed you would get when i changed the program on TV
And I miss the way youíd come upstairs and say goodnight to me
And I even miss the silly pointless arguments we had

About whose turn it was to feed the cats or if I didnít want to go to bed
I miss your threat of water as you tried to get me up for school
And I miss how you could talk for hours about anything at tall
I miss when you would tell me everything was going to be okay
I miss how you would blast your music no matter the time of day
And I really miss the warmth of your hand in mine
And the way you would explain whenever I asked why
I miss your crazy ideas and your theories on the world
I miss how you would tell me how my hair looked nice curled
I miss how you would come to school and defend me every time
I miss reading you my stories and how you would listen to every line
I miss you dancing round the kitchen, and breakdancing on the floor
I miss how you would know if i reading at night and wait outside the door
I miss so many things big, medium and small
I miss the sound of your footsteps coming down the hall
I miss your smile and the way you said hello
I miss the good times and the love you would show
I miss your eyes their colour and shape
I miss all the stupid little songs that you loved to make
I miss your unfunny jokes even though I still laughed
I miss being little and you giving me a bath
I miss seeing you standing there for me at the school gates
I miss you guiding me through all my silly life mistakes
I miss random things like the way youíd sign my birthday cards
I miss you so much, moving on is just so hard
I miss every moment I got to spend with you
I miss the gifts and hugs and all the lies you could see through
Like when Iíd tell you Iíd already brushed my teeth
Or I didnít have any homework to do so could I just watch some TV?
I miss you so much I donít know what to do
And even after everything it still doesnít really feel true
I miss you daddy
I miss you everyday
And if you can see me
Please try and take the pain away
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Old 06-01-14, 02:18 AM   #2
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I'm in tears after reading your poem. You write so well. I'm sorry that you lost your dad.

It's not your fault.
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Old 06-01-14, 04:56 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by nobodyhelpsme View Post
I'm in tears after reading your poem. You write so well. I'm sorry that you lost your dad.

It's not your fault.

Thank you for saying that writing Is the only thing that helps right now.
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Old 01-12-15, 02:49 AM   #4
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Thank you...your post really helped me put some things in perspective. I'll find a way to endure, if only for my girls sake...
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Old 01-12-15, 06:21 AM   #5
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Please accept my condolences, and you poem was such a beautiful tribute.
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Old 01-12-15, 07:49 AM   #6
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Please have my sympathies. You seem like a very strong person to forge ahead.
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Old 01-12-15, 09:06 AM   #7
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My condolences, I wish this didnt happen and some other positive outcome were in its place. Do not be afraid to call a hotline or seek a therapist for help. Even a school teacher may steer you in the right direction.
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Old 01-12-15, 06:20 PM   #8
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First, I am so, so sorry this has happened. You have my deepest condolences.

I want to tell you that you are a very smart person. You joined this site, and you wrote. Writing helps let it all out, and it's very smart of you to have figured that out. Besides that, you're a very good writer. I found that writing was a big key for me during times of loss and hardship. Us humans need to process emotions. That process sucks - it's hard. And it doesn't happen in a neat and steady line of progress, which can be tricky. I think the main thing you can do is to express yourself. Keep writing, whether here or in a private journal, or in letters, poems... it will all help you .

Not having answers is so hard. I hope you can eventually find some peace in knowing that you had such a good dad, and that part of him is always with you. It sounds like he taught you and showed you some wonderful things, which you'll always remember and use in life.

You mentioned that it still doesn't feel real, and I totally know what you mean. I think it's our brains way of protecting us from the harsh reality that it can't really accept or process just yet, because it would just be too much . I have found that it can take years - lots of years - for things like this to start to sink in. It's just the brain's way of coping, so we can somehow continue to function day to day.

I agree with dax's suggestion about talking with a counselor or somebody. It might not be for you, but you could try it and see. I know I always preferred to write instead of speak, it came more easily for me. Whatever works best for you. There are also books and workbooks that might help you work through things, when you're ready. And we're always here . I hope you'll keep expressing your feelings in whatever way works for you.

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Old 03-09-15, 06:47 PM   #9
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I can't bring myself to read your poem, but I will save this thread and read it eventually. The reason your story hits home with me is because I have 2 children, 12 and 8 and they are the only things that keep me from quitting. Reading your story kills me to know I almost did that exact same thing to them. Instead of getting rid of the pain, I would just be giving it to them. I hope you find a little comfort in knowing that your story could be what keeps some people going. I am very sorry for your loss and your pain. Talking it out will help.
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Old 03-09-15, 08:43 PM   #10
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HeartBroken1~I would also like to express, my deepest & most sincere condolences for your loss.I would further like to add, that what you wrote, was so passionate, I started to get tears just reading it. I further agree with dax's suggestion of seeking help. Just know we'll be here for you;always.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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