I want to kill myself
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I want to kill myself

This is a discussion on I want to kill myself within the Lost to Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Hey guys, I am new to this site. I used to be an extremely happy, popular and loving person. When ...

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Old 10-12-10, 09:15 AM   #1
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Default I want to kill myself

Hey guys, I am new to this site.
I used to be an extremely happy, popular and loving person. When I was 16 (I am now 22) I developed anorexia, and for 7 years never weighed over 80 pounds.
This year however I got sick and developed cushings syndrome which has made me ballon out like a mother fucker and believe it or not I am over weight. Because of this my depression has reached a new depth and I have lost all motivation to even try and hang on.

My suicidal urges are not solely based on being over weight but, it has a great influence on it. Imagine being a certain way your whole life, having control, living a not particularly healthy life but one that satisfied you enough to wake up each morning, and then within 3 months gaining an enormous amount of weight and not bin able to do anything about it.

I have not left the house in 5 months, i sleep all day and use the treadmill for 2 hours late at night. I refuse to see any of my friends and my father (who knows its a condition not a life style choice) is really insensitive and encourages me to stop eating or to exercise more. However when I was under weight he'd abuse me about how sick and disgusting I was and that I was heading for an early grave.

I am completely over all of the emotional shit that has come on with the weight and I feel like people judge me and think I am a pig (when I occasionally venture out of the house).

I went for a walk one night and I had my head phones in but had turned off the music and I walked past my neighbours and i heard them say to a guest of theirs "that girl used to be sooo skinny and now she's fat as". I almost died on the spot.

I guess the only good thing that has come from this experience is I definitely have a new respect for over weight people and how courageous they are to face a world that discourages fat people and how they have to face people that express their repulsion. I just wish I didn't have to have experienced it first hand to have gained this insight.

But in all sincerity I am completely at breaking point and I am so close to just ending it. I am a little scared ill go to hell for committing suicide as I have grown up in a christian family but at the end of the day thats not going to stop me.

Last edited by 2Bfree; 10-12-10 at 09:19 AM.
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Old 10-12-10, 10:00 AM   #2
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Pray. Pray every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed. Try to pray when you are feeling the worst...even if you don't know who you're praying to or why you're doing it. Even if you feel nothing at first. Go to a peaceful place in your mind. Breathe.

Find someone to talk to. Reach out. You are courageous and you have been through a lot, you are going through an incredibly difficult time, but you need some support. You need someone to help remind you of all that you do have. You have your heart and you have your soul. You are so much more than this body, you are so much more than what certain other people may see you as.

Find something to feel good about. Maybe try to volunteer or help other people in some way.

I wish you the best.
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Old 10-12-10, 06:03 PM   #3
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Media these days implants thoughts that everyone should be skinny and not eat at all. Well media has obviously ruined America. A bunch of people commit suicide for being overweight. Well a big factor in this is the judgement they pass on themselves. Being overweight is a problem that can be fixed, but its not too big of a problem. Many people are overweight and still can be happy. Many live great lives. And you can too. Just dont judge yourself and don't let the judgement of others get you down. When they're insulting you or anyone, they're just trying to make themselves feel better about themselves. They have their own problems. Don't let their need to boost their own ego get you down. Just be happy as you.
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Old 10-12-10, 10:06 PM   #4
LBC
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Sounds like a rough situation, 2Bfree. And I'm sorry your dad isn't being helpful - one hates to ever say "ignore your parents", but in this case it doesn't sound like he's being a positive influence in this part of your life. So I'd say, find some other influences -

How much have you worked with your doctor to understand your condition? Even if you're not a candidate for surgery or some of the drugs that can help with Cushing's, there may be ways to help make your daily life better. And it can really help your mental health to be proactive and learn as much as you can about what's happening to you, and what others have done to combat this condition.

Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help for yourself. I hear you that you don't want to be around other people, but isolation can be scary and it can make you feel worse. There are counsellors who won't judge you, and a good, real friend will still want to be with you in hard times. I know that I would want to help and understand if I got a phone call from a friend letting me know that this had happened to her - and I bet you'd do the same for a friend who was sick. And if they don't want to be your friend anymore, then they weren't a good friend to begin with (I know that sounds cliche, but it's true).

Hugs to you, hang in there.
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