Hey guys, I am new to this site.
I used to be an extremely happy, popular and loving person. When I was 16 (I am now 22) I developed anorexia, and for 7 years never weighed over 80 pounds.
This year however I got sick and developed cushings syndrome which has made me ballon out like a mother fucker and believe it or not I am over weight. Because of this my depression has reached a new depth and I have lost all motivation to even try and hang on.
My suicidal urges are not solely based on being over weight but, it has a great influence on it. Imagine being a certain way your whole life, having control, living a not particularly healthy life but one that satisfied you enough to wake up each morning, and then within 3 months gaining an enormous amount of weight and not bin able to do anything about it.
I have not left the house in 5 months, i sleep all day and use the treadmill for 2 hours late at night. I refuse to see any of my friends and my father (who knows its a condition not a life style choice) is really insensitive and encourages me to stop eating or to exercise more. However when I was under weight he'd abuse me about how sick and disgusting I was and that I was heading for an early grave.
I am completely over all of the emotional shit that has come on with the weight and I feel like people judge me and think I am a pig (when I occasionally venture out of the house).
I went for a walk one night and I had my head phones in but had turned off the music and I walked past my neighbours and i heard them say to a guest of theirs "that girl used to be sooo skinny and now she's fat as". I almost died on the spot.
I guess the only good thing that has come from this experience is I definitely have a new respect for over weight people and how courageous they are to face a world that discourages fat people and how they have to face people that express their repulsion. I just wish I didn't have to have experienced it first hand to have gained this insight.
But in all sincerity I am completely at breaking point and I am so close to just ending it. I am a little scared ill go to hell for committing suicide as I have grown up in a christian family but at the end of the day thats not going to stop me.