"i love you" will never be the same
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"i love you" will never be the same

This is a discussion on "i love you" will never be the same within the Lost to Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; i don't know where to start so i'm just going to jump right in... my ex boyfriend was hospitalized for ...

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Old 07-20-06, 01:34 AM   #1
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 18
Default "i love you" will never be the same

i don't know where to start so i'm just going to jump right in...

my ex boyfriend was hospitalized for deppresion, this was before we were "officialy" dating. while in the hospital he met and fell in love with a young girl, a_ _ _ _ _. A_ _ _ _ _ lived in south carolina but was sent to this hospital in washington by her parents hand. during his stay she was abruptly discharged and physically ripped out of his arms. before they toar her from his dessperate embrace he kissed her and instantly knew it was the last time he would ever see her. he went to his room and began to cry. soon after his discharge we began dating and fell deeply in love. he was my first love, my first lust, my first heartache. from the begging i knew about A_ _ _ _ _ and knew they kept in contact. suffering from deppresion (amoung other things) myself, i did not touch the subject. he often asked me to make him cry. i never understood this, why would i want to make my lover cry?? then one night he held me tightly and began to cry. what? whats wrong?? he told me an important person in his life once told him that if the thought of knowingly gazing upon someone for the last time made him cry than it was true love. this was the first night he told me he loved me. we continued an unhealthy codependent relationship blinded by love that is filled with so many hauntingly beautiful memories that my duranged mind will never alter. as time grew on and we grew too serious i began to touch the A_ _ _ _ _ subject and he soon began to ignore her calls and eventualy told her about me and to let go of him. told her he couldn't continue to hold onto the hospital. that it was unhealthy for both of them. then last july i recieved a phone call in the middle of the night. it was a him. "what's wrong baby? what happened?" i pleaded. "she's dead! oh God i don't know what to do! she's gone!she's dead! she's dead!" my boyfriend helplessly cryed. he had recieved an email from A_ _ _ _ _'s mother asking for any information he might be able to give regarding her suicide on june 12, 2005. a whole month had already gone by. he told me how angry he was at me when he first discovered the tragedy. everything went downhill from there. he said he was unable to utter the words "i love you" to anyone. not even the last person he truly did love. a month later i was hospitalized. this was not the soul reason for my hospitalization, i was already fairly fucked.
the last time she ever called him, the last call he ever ignored, the call that could have saved her...he was in bed with me.

i know this is not my falt but God it feels like it. this girl was beautiful, talented, young and full of promisse. i should not have interfeared knowing how they met! knowing her history, knowing his! i let my shallow jelousy reuin iit all. and whats worse..

while in the hoospital i met a boy named ben who fell in love with me and calls me weekly from the top of a roof or a bathroom floor. i don't want to make the same mistake again. i can't abandon this one but it's killing me to hold on! this, it seems, is a vicious cyclle that has yet to release its death grip on my life. i appriciate help but probly wont take it i'vvvve had too many lives in my hands for too long and can barley revive my owwnnnn
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Old 07-20-06, 02:18 PM   #2
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
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I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you are still in treatment and are doing things you need to do for you. I am no doctor or counselor but I just lost my mom to suicide last week. She was ill for over nine years. I can not explain to you the loss our whole family feels over her death. You can not control the actions of others no matter how much you want to. You are not to blame for your boyfriends ex doing what she did. Obviously she had some very deep seeded problems as the met in a hospital. I hope that you can surround yourself with supportive and understanding people and concentrate on you own recovery. I know that may sound selfish but sometimes in life we need to be a little selfish.
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Old 07-20-06, 09:16 PM   #3
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
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thank you tami, my heart goes out to you for your loss as well. i am slowly coming to the harsh realization that to surrvive in this cruel world one is forced to be somewhat selfish. this unfortunate occurance happened over a year ago and i have learned so much throughout that time. i am still dealing with my own demons but have made a huge recovery. i soon ended that relationship after getting out the the hospital. i still love him and always will, but i now have a boyfriend who is almost constantly opptomistic, has a wonderful life and future ahead of him and is helping me more and more everyday. thank you for reading.

good luck,

amanda
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