My late boyfriend has been gone for almost five years and I still can't seem to move forward. I know I'm annoying others because I'm trapped in this grief and depression. I wish I could be happy, carefree, light. Instead I feel bitter, trapped, depressed and angry.

I‘m sorry you feel that way
You said you‘re annoying to others? And I say: Who the fuck gives them right to be annoyed by the way you feel? It‘s your life, your emotions, and definetly not their business.
I‘m sorry I can‘t help you, I just don‘t know what it‘s like to lose someone you care about.
Just hang in there

That's right. Why are so many people so cruel? I don't get it but I do have a few people and I'm grateful for them.

I am sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through
my best friend committed suicide in 2012 and the pain is as strong
as ever. The anniversary of her death was actually four days ago
and it hasn't got any easier. I understand how you feel. I cycle through
the same emotions you do. It's hard to explain to anyone that has not
experienced this that a part of you dies along with them. We are never
the same again. I still look for her in crowds expect her to show up but
she never does. People don't like to talk about or remember people
that do this. For most it is an awkward experience. The phrase
time heals old wounds doesn't apply to us. We live with guilt,
the what if's, the why couldn't I have stopped it. This doesn't mean
we can't live a productive life. I wish I had advice that could help you
but I struggle every day. I have pretty much withdrawn from life since
it happened. One thing I tell people that helped me is find a grief support
group. I found a really good one here in town. I met a group of mothers,
fathers, brothers, sisters friends that have all lost someone to suicide.
It helps to share with people that know. The average everyday person
can't relate to this. It helps to know you are not alone with this and
to see how others cope. You need to talk your emotions out. Keeping
them bottled up will only harm you. Others have made it through this
and you can too.

Very powerful words that you can tell were spoken from the heart. I almost started crying while I read this. I am so sorry that you understand this pain. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The grief group is an excellent idea, thank you for bringing that up to me. Thank you for knowing I'm not alone and that I'm not just lazy or stupid for feeling so hard.

Thank You my words were from the heart. Don't ever let anyone make you
feel bad for not dealing with this the way they think you should. You have
a right to grieve any way you feel. I got a few day off work and was
supposed to be back to normal? Sorry doesn't work like that. I was once the funny guy at work everyone loved now I am like the guy nobody wants
to deal with. You are not lazy for feeling this way. Suicide is not a normal
emotion. We are born to fight to survive . When we are faced to deal with
it our brains can't comprehend it because it doesn't make sense. I understand the pain you feel. I also understand that those around you
might be treating you bad for not moving on. This is the general thinking
out there and it's wrong. This hurt is like no other hurt because it never
should happen and those around it are left with unbearable suffering.
The grief group helps so much because they are people just like you
trying to make it through the day. It helps to learn from people who have
been dealing with this. I was lucky when I came here met some really
amazing people that had been through this. They helped save my life.
My suggestion is don't keep what happened a secret. More
often than not people keep this a secret. It is much more common
than people believe. Our only defense is awareness. You will never get
the person back you lost but you can help someone else that is suffering.
If there are suicide walks in your town or other fund raising ideas I say
join them. At least you will have a voice get some power back. Make
your heart a tool for change instead of a lost cause.

Dear suzannenderekh: I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your boyfriend and the pain you carry from it.

I just wanted to tell you that you have my heartfelt condolences. Dave86 had a very good suggestion. When a tragedy happens that defies explanation, I believe we can start to gain a little sense of healing when we turn our grief into social advocacy action. Doing so somehow brings a little bit of meaning and resolution to a tragic loss. We work to help others and bring awareness to the issue so we can reduce the risk of others going through the agony that we've gone through. I know of parents who have started awareness and fundraising campaigns after they've lost a child to suicide, and they say their work has helped them cope.

I can only imagine how isolating it would be to try to talk about the loss of a loved one to suicide with people who are not comfortable with it because of their ignorance or inability to understand. I have to wonder if some people are so uncomfortable with the topic because they can't understand the complexities of suicide. People need to realize it is still a death, a wound that survivors need support and care for in their bereavement - not awkward silence and rejection.

I hope you connect to a support circle that can relate to your experience, and that you find comfort and understanding from the TTL community support too.

Please take care and be gentle with yourself.