Even after so long, the pain still lingers...
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Even after so long, the pain still lingers...

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Old 04-21-18, 08:55 AM   #1
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Default Even after so long, the pain still lingers...

I feel you never find closure when someone you love commits suicide.
But when someone you love commits suicide ten minutes after you spoke to them and literally across the street from where you live, that lack of closure seems all the more painful.
When that person had attempted before and you knew it and you knew they were in a dark place...when you know you were the last person to speak to him. When you know you should have done more. It's a burden that feels so heavy and one I carry every moment of my life, unbeknownst to the people in my life.
Missing him is almost overshadowed by the guilt. The guilt eats me inside. I was 14 and now, almost a decade later, I can't come to forgive myself. What he must have been feeling, the magnitude of the pain...it's unthinkable.
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Old 04-21-18, 10:38 AM   #2
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That's very painful to read,ginger..someone so dear and close to you saying goodbye to the world in that way..to be honest..I cannot imagine your pain==nobody can..the fact is=how does one live with that kind of pain?the question is...the guilt feeling and the fact people think they could have done more and they didn't...there are 10 years you say,between the facts,and how hard it is for us to tell you life goes on..we cannot even imagine your pain..fact is..we think you're VERY brave to tell this...that is a factor in your advantage...don't live on your whole life with anger,anxiety and telling yourself you could have done more...i tell you one sad story...not a suicide but a work accident with fatal results...when i was a coalminer in the 80's i saw a good friend getting stuck under heavy machinery when the supporting protection gave way above him..he was 28=a wife and 2 kids...we were all in shock at 789 meters underground..and when we put him on the transportation belt he started bleeding out of his ears..so we all knew we lost him...and to be honest..i cannot get that image of my mind sometimes,just like you cannot forget that day,ginger..
welcome to this forum...you are very brave....
**Clouds come floating in my life,no longer to carry rain or usher storm,but to add colour to my sunset sky**
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Old 04-26-18, 10:21 PM   #3
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Default Ginger & Tigerlover

Whoa! I cannot imagine having to live through either of those experiences! OMG!! I am so sorry for both of you.

Tiger... I have absolutely no words for that experience, I am not smart enough to be able to even comment. That was too sad. I am sorry!

Ginger, what you have experienced is equally sad, just different. I'm sorry for you that so much time has passed and you still feel pain as deeply as you do. I know I have heard from other people that have experienced very similar situations that they feel the same way as you. I however, have not ever had to live through that experience, so I am speaking from a totally ignorant perspective.

I have lived on the edge of committing suicide for most of my 64 years, going as far back as when I was 14. I am constantly amazed by the fact that I am still alive and when I realize that, I usually get angry. I won't get into all the reasons why as it is off point of what I want to say. But I have come to terms in my mind that my life will end by suicide, I have accepted it and am at peace with it. It is only a matter of when.

What I want to say is that when someone decides to commit suicide, they are not wanting to kill themself. That aspect of the act is not what it is about. It is about not wanting to live, pure and simple. And suicide happens to be the only way to accomplish that unless you live in a war zone. The actual act of killing yourself is frightening, but the desire to not be alive out weighs that fear. So often you will hear people wonder why someone wanted to kill themself. The real question should be why doesn't someone want to live? Someone who has made up their mind to do this quite typically cannot be talked out of it. There is nothing that another person can do or say that is going to change their situation. Not wanting to live is for life, for ever. It's yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's all of my tomorrow's not just the one about to happen. You may be able to affect one day in my life, but my life will continue for many days until I stop it.

Please know that for the person who is performing that act, they were not looking or wanting you to do something or say the right thing. They never had that expectation of you. They did what they alone decided to do. They may have known that it would hurt you and others, but since dying is a part of life for every single one of us and people do have to move on. Please forgive yourself for that which you couldn't possibly have done. You are human and you have a heart that cares deeply. But that person's heart was broken and was not able to be fixed. If there is a God in Heaven above, then your friend is there wishing you smiles and peace and happiness. Something they did not feel. And you cannot give that to a single other person in this world.

I truly hope this makes sense to you.
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