lady you make my knees weak and my stomach turn
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lady you make my knees weak and my stomach turn

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Old 09-17-13, 12:17 PM   #1
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Default lady you make my knees weak and my stomach turn

I'm nostalgic and empty, it's such a familiar feeling, just hard to explain. Like someone just put a really warm blanket over me and I can curl up in it but it doesn't make me happy, it keeps me from wanting to move. It's raining today which is fitting, because the weather allows me to stay in cocooned and I don't have to see or hear from anyone.

What's wrong with me that I attract the "curious" ones? Why do I ever pretend that she's going to look passed my gender in the end and we'll have a real life together not just tentatively kissing and touching where people can't see. It must be me, because this is the second time that a she has left me for a him, it doesn't hurt as badly as the first time, but I don't want to get used to it.

I don't need advice, I know people will tell me just "find a good lesbian" to date, and I'll have a hundred reasons why that's not possible, that I can never seem to meet unattached lesbians, that I don't want to start a relationship just looking for sex, that my town is too small and I know them all by face and name and preference.

I'm just done with trying to navigate the heteroflexibles and the pansexuals and all the "it doesn't matter to mes" because in the end it does matter. I'm not a boy even when I try, and the girls aren't fooled, in the end they want real boys.
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Old 09-17-13, 06:18 PM   #2
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(((((((((((((((naomi)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it hurts so.. I do wish the lady would understand what she's missing out on... Women are just so fantastic.. Idk why not everybody see that..

I've felt like I haven't been enough for women as well, and being in love with hetero or "curious" women is a pain.. I've wished I was a guy SO many times.. just because it would make things easier.. (in a way).. But in the end, I want to be a woman, and I want to be with a woman. That's just how I work... I hope you will find someone who wants to be with a woman too. I'm sad to hear that it hasn't happened yet.

Keep trying, though.. Are you using the internet to get to know new people at all? I know it's risky, but you can at least gain a few friends if you're careful. You said you come from a small town, and that is not easy. I moved away from a town where you were known by name, house, who you liked, and which car your parents drove.. .. It's not easy finding someone there, I can understand that..

I know you're hurt, but please remember that NOT all women want guys. There are women out there who wants YOU. Just because you are you, and not because you're a guy or a girl.
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Old 09-17-13, 10:48 PM   #3
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thank you Mitza :(
Lady just wants to be my friend and thinks she was confused by our friendship because I was too "intense" so she said to me this afternoon. I have been crying all day because it doesn't matter how much I try to show someone I love them, it never gets through.

I love women, and being a woman, even though I'm not very feminine, and don't like certain parts of my body. I was so happy to be with her even briefly but now I think I'm just going to spiral back in to hating myself. It was coming, even before she broke it off. I'm really sad about this. I feel like a used up idiot.

Internet dating doesn't appeal to me because I'm so incredibly anxious. I know it works for some people but I don't think I would be able to follow through. It's scary for me to open up, I don't even have many friends for this reason, and I don't know how to even go about it.

My small town is lovely, I like it here but I'm so isolated. I just thought this one was going to stay with me, and we could live together. She really wanted chickens so we built a chickencoop and I thought she would love me because I can do those things, but then she met this guy and all she can tell me is how amazing he is.

Why aren't I amazing? I just want to be with someone, but girls I meet either don't want a relationship or they leave. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I have good friends I can't even tell about this, which just makes me feel even more alone because I can see them and hang out and never say anything because I'm so embarrassed. In front of my dad today I shrugged it off when he asked what happened, he tells me that I'm a good person and everything a parent would say but I feel so stupid and ugly and worthless every time I think about her, and the one before her, and the one before her too. What's wrong with me that I'm so unappealing?
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Old 09-19-13, 04:32 PM   #4
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wow.. that's a really hurtful thing to tell you.. that you were "too intense".. :(
My guess is that maybe she got scared of her feelings, or were not comfortable with how she was feeling or something.. No matter what, it doesn't make it right for her to treat you like that. If she was this insecure, she should have at least talked to you about it, not just "found some guy". And telling you "how amazing he is" - that's just cruel. :(

I'm sorry you don't like certain parts of your body. I'm sure being "told" that you're not good enough makes it worse.. Please don't listen to those voices.. You are more than good enough, and you are beautiful just the way you are. And you deserve to be loved for who you are. You don't have to change for anybody. If you do, then she's not the right one for you...

I can understand that internet dating is scary. I've not joined any internet dating sites, but I have met new friends through gay forums online. I don't really know of any good ones in English, though. (I come from Europe)...

Are there any gay organizations anywhere close to you? I've been involved in some organizations here when I was a student. I found many nice people there. (Dated one as well). Maybe that could be a place to start? Idk if they exist where you are. When I grew up I had to travel for about an hour to go to a "gay meeting" - basically a coffee shop where we hung out and talked for an hour or two. A non formal setting where everybody talked with everybody.. That helped me a great deal when coming out... I'm sorry you don't feel that you can talk to your friends about this. Do you have many gay friends? Maybe it would be easier talking to them about it?

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all, I think you've just been very unlucky.. I'm sorry it hurts so.. :(

*hugs*
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Old 09-22-13, 11:13 AM   #5
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I found it in me to tell her it hurts too much to talk to her. Now I just feel that familiar numbness of not having any obligation to anyone. My friend took me on camping trip this weekend, we'd been planning it for a week, it was nice to get away, but I couldn't enjoy it much with the feeling of something looming over me. He's my closest friend here, and I never even told him I was seeing someone, which turned out for the best, I can save myself the humiliation of having to confess I was dumped, again.

I don't know about gay meetings. I'm a little beyond the "gay youth" stage, there is a group here for teens to 21 year olds that just started 45 mins away, mostly for runaways and homeless, but I'm already in my mid-twenties, and don't think I would be welcomed even if I were the right age. None of my friends are gay here, because the lgbt friends I had moved away as soon as they could to big cities with actual gay organizations. That is the trend here, good people move away.

Wish I just weren't such a mess. I must be unlucky for a reason.
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Old 09-02-15, 07:16 AM   #6
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Hi Naomi,
I'm no longer interested in sex or relationships and that is ok with me for now. I just wanted to say back when I was with only women, I had 3 women in a row leave me for guys. Even after the one I really thought would never do it knew how hurt I'd been by the previous 2 relationships she ended up doing the same thing. It was horrible and hurt so bad. It isn't you! I know it feels that way but some people lie, some people are just confused themselves and unfortunately we got hurt because of their own issues. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Oh I was also in relationships at different times with 2 different guys who left me for other women. LOL I will say I am or was very naive because I believed and trusted people I shouldn't have. I am in no way a perfect person not even close but all of those people were liars.

Last edited by meowy; 09-02-15 at 07:19 AM. Reason: adding to msg
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