I have so many blessings in this life, so I'm having a lot of trouble understanding why my view of life has become so dark. I've had "bad" things happen...things that I and others thought were unfair, but considering all of it, I'm still here and physically healthy. I know that others have faced much worse things in life than me.
Everything in each day seems to be a fight, from getting out of bed in the am to going to bed in the pm. I'm on edge with little to no time to myself. I'm a stay at home mom who worked for twenty years prior. Had a sweet baby, quit my job to take care of her and home. Thinking it started with post-pardom depression and then grew from all of the adjustments.
My husband works and I felt that I should get up with the baby and take care of everything around the house. I'm older so I don't have grandparents to fill in as babysitters from time to time. I've only been away from my daughter under 10 times in 3 years for any period of time.
I lost all of my childhood friends during my first marriage. Unfortunately, I allowed him to basically isolate me from almost everyone--but at least I had enough strength to get out. I love being at home with my daughter, but sometimes I think she needs more than just me.
Now, I'm on my second marriage. He is a great guy--just we are so different. I've always been one to cry at sad movies, cry when I hear a sad story told or hurt so bad when I see disaster strike others. My husband is compassionate, but not to the point I am. He's a fighter and has a strong since of what he feels is right and wrong and does not stand silent on it. I have a strong since of right and wrong--but try to choose my battles because I'm not strong enough to fight everyone or everything. Sometimes when I do, I don't like the outcome and see that I have hurt someone else in the process. Not phycially--but I just haven't taken their feeling into account. I don't think it phases him. He's been my rock through troubled times...I'm just not there for him any more. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong.
I remember being young and laughing, playing, pretending and having a wonderful time. It seems a lifetime ago, and I wish that I could get back to a positive state like that again. I don't enjoy social activities anymore and haven't for a long time. I don't even know how to carry on a verbal conversation past, "Hello! How are you? and "How do you like the weather." I'm trying for my daughter's sake to get past my fears of social interation. I don't want my issues to affect her, and I want her to be anything but like I am now. I'm totally motivated out of guilt, and that is a horrible way to get through each day. I'm able to express my thoughts by writing--but haven't done that in a while, so it sometimes feels like rambling. So I'm hoping this forum helps me by at least giving me a place to feel vented.
I'm thinking I need to increase my activity both physically and in some form of volunteer work (because I felt so much better when I was involved with raising money for a good cause or writing notes to children in school who needed encouragement). I'm not big on medications. Have been on them a time or two--but only for 30 days or less. I believe in God, but I have a hard time understanding him on many occassions. Hopefully, I can grow my faith in him and begin to pull out of this nutty cycle I've fallen in.