Hi there to anyone reading this.
It's fortunate that I stumbled up on this site. While I don't particular value my life, I don't necessarily want to miss out on the opportunities that I have while I'm alive. My feelings of not wanting to be alive stem solely from the trauma that I endure/have endured. Happiness and positive emotions are not lost on me, but if I know that I'm in a negative situation in life, I realize that they are not reasonable feelings to have in that moment. That said, any suggested treatment to cover up the emotions that I am having that are stemming from the darkness in my life are simply not welcome. This is not said with the intention to offend anyone, but rather the intention to defend and support my own autonomy.
On the other hand, there is the question as to whether or not I'm so damaged from the abuse that my quality of life is destined to be significantly impaired as a result. This mostly has to do with my ability to be lovable, but this doesn't necessarily mean in terms of partnerships, although that isn't entirely off the table. At the end of the day, one of the best comforts for a lot of people is hugs/being held. There's a lot to be said about the power of touch for human beings. When you have had PTSD and dissociation your entire life -- when you don't feel safe because you have been hit and shrieked at for many, many years -- it isn't easy to accept physical affection. This is doubly hard if you are actually an affectionate person. Speaking for myself, of course. I'm on the fence about the idea that I'm not lovable because of my emotional hangups, and while I'm still really not sure if it's my truth, it is a huge factor as to whether or not I want to be alive.
With all this being said, I suppose the future is undecided. Every day is a new one, inspired by the first, but not dictated by it. What will happen tomorrow is uncertain, and tomorrow isn't guaranteed. When I'm feeling incredibly lousy at night and I have a ton of painful feelings and thoughts, sometimes it's nice to know that I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. There's no way I can predict the entire day. It's moments like that that remind me there may be some sort of turn-around or life-changing event that can inspire them to keep on living.
Thanks for reading, hope you can understand where I'm coming from.