I'm Nicky, just recently turned 20, and am a University student.
I have been battling with several eating disorders for over a year now, caused by dieting and poor body image gone too far. I associate all of my emotions with food. I struggle to stop thinking about it, but know that when I'm unhappy, I turn to it.
As a high school student, I sat around 105 pounds. I never thought about food because I was naturally thin, so I didn't eat very much. It was only when i went traveling after school that I put on about 8 pounds, and everyone had commented about my weight gain. I dieted, lost some of the weight, and then suddenly realised that that wasn't good enough. And I constantly obsessed over exercise and diet.
In saying that I am, by no means, overweight because I exercise a fair amount. But my constant swinging between uncontrollable binge eating, crash dieting, and starving myself is exhausting me. But I can't stop.
I only became aware of it being associated with my depression when I went overseas for 3 weeks a few months ago. For the first time in years, I was truly happy and having a good time. And surprise surprise. I barely ever thought about food, and 2-3 bites of anything and I was stuffed. Returning home at my goal weight of 110 pounds, I managed to fall back into old eating patterns, putting me back at 115. In my obsessive state, I see myself as fat. And now I'm back to square one. Dieting, bingeing, and being unable to stop.
Though my friends know me as bubbly and friendly, underneath it all, I just want to lay in my bed all day and night and sleep. And be left alone. I am single by choice, because I get fed up with guys not 'getting me' right away, or i judge them too quickly. If I do find a guy i like, I sleep with them, and then get bored of them. Sometimes I feel that I use sex as a distraction from food. It works...only temporarily though.
I always tell myself that things that make me happy will bump me on to the road to recovery. Things like exercise, hanging out with friends, sex. But in the end, It's always the same. I'm alone.
In nature, I am too stubborn of a person to ever ask for help. So I thought the best way would be to do it anonymously.
Thanks for reading my epicly long spiel <3