Sadly I'm not new to suicide forums/mental health forums, but I'm new here.
I'm a 26 year old female from the UK, and am really at the end, but without the courage to actually end it. I know what I would do and have obtained the means but I'm well aware that I just don't have it in me.
It's all a bit convoluted but I'll keep it short. I basically have very severe social phobia (which is a condition that's still really not recognised in the slightest), severe depression, panic attacks and agoraphobia. They have become me, and I have been largely housebound with absolutely no life for years. I live alone and have no contact whatsoever with anyone besides my parents, who I also really struggle to talk to on any level.
I'm doing an OU degree (Psychology, who'd have guessed) and have recently voluntarily signed myself up to this 'back to work' programme operated by the government for people on disability benefits, where I talk to an advisor. My Dad's coming with me, otherwise I couldn't get there. I've had extremely little work experience, I've just been shut away essentially since I was 19, despite getting mental health support, which didn't seem to help. It's been total hell. Unbelievably I had a boyfriend for many years, who was my one friend, but after hanging on for an admirably long time he had to leave for his own sanity and to pursue his own goals. He won't talk to me and has blocked my number because he is with someone else now and can't cope with any of it.
I'm also trying to go to this Samaritans info day to find out about volunteering with them on their emotional health helpline as a listener, but I'm so debilitated by my conditions in every way that even this seems hugely out of my reach.
I know few people are very happy, mental health problems or not, and especially at the moment; but I feel like there has to be a life out there for me somewhere, however complicated and diffcult it's going to me to untangle myself from all this. I used to have a spark in me, I just want it back, because I can't kill myself.
I'd just like to chat to someone. Thank you :)