my aunt died. i had two aunts die. one died a few years ago of pancreatic cancer. the other one died just last year from breast cancer i think it was. my mom has cancer now too. my uncle just died.
i had a friend die. she had a severe mental illness and she was hit by a car. i was told she laid in the street for a while before anyone found her. i can't imagine what she might have been thinking, lying there in the road dying...
i did not have a childhood. i did not have the usual parent to explain the "scary" things to me. i've not ever experienced the safety of being hugged, the safety of having a trusted loved one hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. i've seen on tv, a child is upset, and the parent figure soothes him. i don't know what that is....
i am a middle aged adult and i'm missing a lot of the normal adult cohesiveness, the normal adult solidness, core, my core is missing because i experienced horrific abuse at the hands of parents all throughout my childhood; in many ways, i am still a child because of it.
i feel like a sane, rational discussion about death, a discussion about how i feel about death, about how i feel about the people that i have known that have died, is so far out of my emotional ability....i feel like if i even attempted to discuss how i feel about my relatives dying, about my friends dying, that i would dissolve into a very young alter who just cries and cries.
i don't understand death.
i sound like a four year old when i say that, when i listen to myself say that.
i feel like i want to hug my teddy bear and cry.