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This is a discussion on Tim... within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Nine years ago, the man who taught me how to play bass guitar died of an accidental heroin overdose. Except ...

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Old 01-20-13, 09:57 AM   #1
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Default Tim...

Nine years ago, the man who taught me how to play bass guitar died of an accidental heroin overdose. Except it was so much more than that. He was my cousin's fiance, and me and her have always been sort of close. I helped babysit their daughter while the both of them scrambled for jobs to make what money they could. My cousin ended up dancing, and Tim was a cab driver for a while. Eventually, they got off on their own again. They got in a fight one day, and she knocked a few well-earned stitches into his eyebrow hahaha. Anyway, she got pulled over for a DUI, and ended up forging her twin sisters signature to try and get out of it, which, only landed her more time in the big house. During that time their relationship was going through a lot, Tim lost his job as a cab driver, and with my cousin in jail, he started seeing his ex-girlfriend again and relapsed to cocaine and heroin. Which, of an accidental overdose on heroin, he died from and his ex-girlfriend was later charged with manslaughter. Their child was placed in the care of Tim's mother since my cousin was locked up. My cousin got placed on suicide watch in the prison, having basically lost everything that meant anything to her. To this day he's the best damn man she's ever been with, and while he had his share of serious problems and personal demons, he was a good man at heart. She spent years coping with it, and even now it's sort of the thing that you just don't bring up because she still can't bare to talk about him. Furthermore, she's never been able to watch me play music, because she says I play just like he did.

I had a very deep level of admiration for him. I never really totally got over that whole experience, and to make it more complicated I can't talk to her about it. I tried to once, and she only responded with his name, and then didn't speak to me for the next two months.

What brings it up now, is that over Christmas, I went home for the first time in two years. I just walked out of a relationship I'd been in for 8 years, and I'd caught word from family members that she'd been going through a divorce with the man she was with at the time, and I wanted to see her and hang out like we used to ya know? Well, she wasn't there. Later I found out that she got arrested. Apparently she went back to cocaine and heroin, was living on the streets for a few weeks, and was actually arrested for violation of probation and just happened to piss positive for cocaine and had heroin tracks. I've got strong mixed feelings about it...I want to call her up in jail, because I know the reason she went back to drugs was because she was depressed and had no one in the family to talk to. At the time, I was dealing with my own relationship and work problems, and she wasn't being straight with me about things.

I'm not sure how to approach her though, or even what to say...she's 34. 10 years older than me. I WANT to just yell at her for being stupid and tell her that by now she should have an understanding that addictive substances are just bad, and how could she go back to heroin after what happened to Tim?... But, I can't do that...lol...I can't just open-fire on someone like that when they're already isolated. That's why she went back to those drugs to begin with. To make it more complicated because I never REALLY dealt with Tim's passing I don't know how to avoid that. So, I just haven't called the jail yet....part of me is also afraid that she'll want to come here, and with an addict of that nature, I can't bring her here. I'm BARELY getting by as it is. A big part of why this is so troublesome for me is because she was SO CLOSE to having a good life when this happened. She'd been clean for some years, was 1 semester away from her Master's Degree, and was employed. I wanted to see her for Christmas, so I could pitch the idea of me and her living together to her....and well, now, I just can't...

I don't know what to do, or how to approach this at all.
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Old 01-26-13, 12:16 AM   #2
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I don't know if this will sound all strange or wrong, but I'd at least call her. You don't have to promise her anything or talk about the past. You could just tell her something truthful and simple, that you miss her and hope to chat with her off and on. You could tell her that you have never really had any closure about Tim's death and would she mind talking about him with you some time... (?).. You could tell her you'd like to have a better friendship with her and you don't want her to feel like she's all alone as much as she has been.

I've known people who had addictive patterns and seen that the patterns are impossible for some people to leave behind. I'm not an addictive personality type person and have been quite fortunate for that, so understanding what they go through is hard for me on a comparative note. I think people working to stay clear from addictions may need even more support then those of us who are not like that. I hope you can at least break the ice with her and establish a supportive phone relationship. It sounds like she needs you now more then ever.
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