Ok today is my 28th birthday (yay) I have a good job, I earn enough money, I have a good group of friends who I have known since starting high school...so your properly thinking I seem to lead a good life with a good support group around me and I honestly do. BUT like most people I have my demons and mine will always haunt me. When I was 19 my girlfriend of 4yrs got killed
I was running late to meet her for dinner and the next thing I can remember I was getting a call......well to be honest I cant really remember what happened that day, police said it was an attempted mugging gone wrong..they caught the guy who pleaded guilty but he was not in the 'right' frame of mind because he was dependent on drugs....Words can not describe what I will do if I ever get my hands on him.
So here is the thing I loved her alot, she was my first love and ever since that day I have felt 'numb', I could not keep in touch with her family I just gave all the stuff I had of hers back to them and never looked back...Since that day I have never been nervous about anything, I never cried, I have never talked about it to anyone even though my friends and family have tried to talk about it but I have never wanted to know. denial maybe?? well all I know is that for some reason I could not show any weakness to anyone, to show that I could not be hurt...but everyone knew my pain.
So now I am 28 I have a GF of 4yrs, I have never told her about my past she knows but she has never asked and I never wanted to share, I still have the same dreams every night but I never once told anyone about them as I feel like that's my burden I have to carry, That's how I remember her. Here is the thing my GF found a picture of her when she was at my mums and she took it to confront me not in a bad way she just wanted to talk as she feels that this is holding our relationship back....I didn't know how to react, as she was approaching me I knew what she had in her hand I started to feel nervous and started to shake I could not look at that picture, I thought I never had any pictures left of her because I thought I gave them back to her family but it turns out my mum kept one of her. I got the courage to look at the picture and I forgot how beautiful she was
I could not say anything I was angry and sad at the same time so I just left.
My life feels fake, hollow and useless.....I have tried and tried to think back at why I was running late to meet her and I cant remember. It was my job to protect her and I failed.
So yeah that's my story and I have never shared that with anyone, Why have I shared this? well because I think that no matter what I cant change what has happened no matter how much I relive it, it made me the person I am today (slightly damaged) but I feel that if I went through this other people went through it too!! if people feel comfort in knowing that your not alone and this has not just happened to you then great I have succeeded in not only taken one step forward in sharing and opening up but also in giving people some sort of comfort, I know its not easy and I know that we try and put on a brave face but I have learned the hard way. Don't do it to yourself and don't do it to the people around you.
I most likely wont replay to this (one step at a time huh?) but thanks for taking the time to read.....