Things that can never be forgotten...
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Things that can never be forgotten...

This is a discussion on Things that can never be forgotten... within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Ok today is my 28th birthday (yay) I have a good job, I earn enough money, I have a good ...

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Old 06-17-13, 03:11 PM   #1
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Default Things that can never be forgotten...

Ok today is my 28th birthday (yay) I have a good job, I earn enough money, I have a good group of friends who I have known since starting high school...so your properly thinking I seem to lead a good life with a good support group around me and I honestly do. BUT like most people I have my demons and mine will always haunt me. When I was 19 my girlfriend of 4yrs got killed I was running late to meet her for dinner and the next thing I can remember I was getting a call......well to be honest I cant really remember what happened that day, police said it was an attempted mugging gone wrong..they caught the guy who pleaded guilty but he was not in the 'right' frame of mind because he was dependent on drugs....Words can not describe what I will do if I ever get my hands on him.
So here is the thing I loved her alot, she was my first love and ever since that day I have felt 'numb', I could not keep in touch with her family I just gave all the stuff I had of hers back to them and never looked back...Since that day I have never been nervous about anything, I never cried, I have never talked about it to anyone even though my friends and family have tried to talk about it but I have never wanted to know. denial maybe?? well all I know is that for some reason I could not show any weakness to anyone, to show that I could not be hurt...but everyone knew my pain.
So now I am 28 I have a GF of 4yrs, I have never told her about my past she knows but she has never asked and I never wanted to share, I still have the same dreams every night but I never once told anyone about them as I feel like that's my burden I have to carry, That's how I remember her. Here is the thing my GF found a picture of her when she was at my mums and she took it to confront me not in a bad way she just wanted to talk as she feels that this is holding our relationship back....I didn't know how to react, as she was approaching me I knew what she had in her hand I started to feel nervous and started to shake I could not look at that picture, I thought I never had any pictures left of her because I thought I gave them back to her family but it turns out my mum kept one of her. I got the courage to look at the picture and I forgot how beautiful she was
I could not say anything I was angry and sad at the same time so I just left.
My life feels fake, hollow and useless.....I have tried and tried to think back at why I was running late to meet her and I cant remember. It was my job to protect her and I failed.
So yeah that's my story and I have never shared that with anyone, Why have I shared this? well because I think that no matter what I cant change what has happened no matter how much I relive it, it made me the person I am today (slightly damaged) but I feel that if I went through this other people went through it too!! if people feel comfort in knowing that your not alone and this has not just happened to you then great I have succeeded in not only taken one step forward in sharing and opening up but also in giving people some sort of comfort, I know its not easy and I know that we try and put on a brave face but I have learned the hard way. Don't do it to yourself and don't do it to the people around you.
I most likely wont replay to this (one step at a time huh?) but thanks for taking the time to read.....
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Old 06-18-13, 08:51 PM   #2
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It sounds like you didn't allow yourself to grieve at the time. Denial is one of many parts of grief and natural, it's only when we get stuck in a particular area of our grief for a prolonged period of time that it becomes an issue. You can't blame yourself for this though, you are only human and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there is no timescale on grief. Maybe we never stop grieving for the ones we lose, maybe our grief just transforms from pain to something we can learn to live with and accept in a way that no longer interferes with us and our lives, who knows.

I really think the only way to overcome grief is to go through it, and come out the other side. Grief, including the crying, the denial, self blame, hurting, questioning, doubting, missing them, anger, guilt, is all natural and normal. There is no way around it that is mentally or emotionally healthy. It can seem daunting, to sit with your own sorrow, and of course it will hurt, but the release is healthy because keeping it bottled up or not allowing yourself to grieve, even one little bit at a time, obviously seems to be affecting you and your life and those around you. Although that's not something to feel guilty about because you aren't doing anything wrong, you're just trying to cope in the only way you know how, which is fine, but perhaps you need to hear that it's ok to grieve for as long as you need. Maybe give yourself permission to grieve so that you can lay your pain to rest.

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting or letting go completely. You are capable of grieving, moving through the pain and healing of grief, and re-emerging with the capacity to honour your past and your loved one without it hindering your present or future. She may be gone, and you may be moving on, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to carry her in your memories and heart.

I know it's hard to hear but accidents happen all the time and it may be a cliche but we can't be there to save everybody we love all the time from potential harzards or accidents, as terrible as they may be. I haven't lost anyone in the way you have, so I won't pretend to understand, but I have recently lost a dear friend to suicide. What if you weren't running late and the mugging occured regardless with the same outcome? If you were there, how can you say for sure that you could have stopped it even if you wanted to with all your heart, mind and soul, it doesn't necesserily mean you would have, unfortunately. What if it was the other way round, what if the roles were reversed? What would you say to your loved one left to live without you? Would you want them to grieve healthily and live happily? Would your passed away loved one want that for you now?

We can torture ourselves for the rest of our lives over the "what if's" and "if only's" as much as we like, we can punish ourselves, but the sad reality is it won't bring them back to us and I can bet my last dollar they don't want to see us living this way. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done, but for whatever reason, we are the ones still living for now and it would add depth to the tragedy if we don't live - we have a choice to live - they don't anymore.

It sounds like posting this thread is a step in your grief and I hope it's helped you. Don't be afraid to keep going, you deserve to grieve and come out the other side like anyone does. Take care.
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