still blame myself for this- why?
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still blame myself for this- why?

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Old 02-10-11, 05:45 PM   #1
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Thumbs down still blame myself for this- why?

last year, my grandad developed skin cancer- and at first, because of the size of the tumour the doctors refused to operate on it

anyway, his condition got worse and worse- and despite having the operation done finally doctors asumed he'd not last the week.

for days after that we kept being called to the hospital, and each time when we left we were surprised at how well he was doing

but 1 evening they called up to say that he might not last the night and to get there quickly.

we did stay for a while- and then had things to do so we left for a while

anyway we quit for the night- and we got a call early next morning saying he'd passed away in his sleep

i feel so gutted that i was not there.

i know it's my fault- i should have put off the other stufff i had to do until later, but it was kind of urgent and really it couldn't wait.

not being there at his bedside when he died is 1 of my biggest regrets in my life

i still to this day miss him, and fully blame myself for being so selfish.

i just had to post- thanks for listening
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Old 09-19-11, 08:25 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by sweet release View Post
last year, my grandad developed skin cancer- and at first, because of the size of the tumour the doctors refused to operate on it

anyway, his condition got worse and worse- and despite having the operation done finally doctors asumed he'd not last the week.

for days after that we kept being called to the hospital, and each time when we left we were surprised at how well he was doing

but 1 evening they called up to say that he might not last the night and to get there quickly.

we did stay for a while- and then had things to do so we left for a while

anyway we quit for the night- and we got a call early next morning saying he'd passed away in his sleep

i feel so gutted that i was not there.

i know it's my fault- i should have put off the other stufff i had to do until later, but it was kind of urgent and really it couldn't wait.

not being there at his bedside when he died is 1 of my biggest regrets in my life

i still to this day miss him, and fully blame myself for being so selfish.

i just had to post- thanks for listening
Try to remember that everything happens for a reason and that your Grandad knows how upset you are about what happened as he looks down on you every single day. You did go to see him and in no way acted selfishly. You can't hold yourself responsible for what was your Grandad's time to go.
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Old 10-16-11, 05:14 PM   #3
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sweet release

I understand. My grandmother died earlier this year and I, too, missed her death. I probably acted more badly than you did ... I didn't go to see her for an entire week. It was a long, drawn-out disease, and she'd plateaud. We had every reason to believe she'd stick around for a long while yet, but it turns out we were wrong.

So while every other family member had visited her at least twice that week, I hadn't. And then my mother came over to my house to inform me that my grandmother had died, and I felt gutted by guilt.

I still do, whenever I think about it.

But then I think- if she's looking down, she knows I loved and still love her, and that I valued my time with her; if she's looking down, the last time I saw her wasn't really the last time we got to be together; she's everywhere now.

And I think- even if she's not looking down, even if there isn't anything after life, does that one act really impact how good her life was? I think not. That one little omission on my part, in the view of all those years she lived? It was miniscule. It was so small it would easily be overlooked in the last seconds of her life-time.

My grandmother was a wonderful person for most of her life; and so I choose not to dwell on those last months, and how we treated each other, because the intersections of our lives are so much more than those handful of days at the end.

Remember your life with your grandfather in its entirety. It would be a dishonor to both your and your granddad to define your relationship by that last moment.

Much love and respect!
From me to you.
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