It shouldn't hurt like this still >.<
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It shouldn't hurt like this still >.<

This is a discussion on It shouldn't hurt like this still >.< within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Sorry this is long, I just needed to talk and I don't have anyone to talk to. When I was ...

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Old 05-08-10, 09:59 AM   #1
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Sorry this is long, I just needed to talk and I don't have anyone to talk to.

When I was younger, I used to think that my father always watched over me and helped me in some way.
I don't believe that anymore.
Before I was born my Dad was diagnosed with melanoma cancer, it spread through his body and he died by the time I was 9 months old. I don't have a single memory of him. I wish so much that I had something. All I have is what I have been told.
My mum tells me that Dad was my first word, and that he heard me say it, which Iím glad of.
That everyone loved him, that he was happy, fun and full of life.
He used to sing 'Always look on the bright side of lifeí... even when he was sick.
He built our house right up till a few days before he died, so that mum and I would have a house to live in. It was kindly finished by our local Lions Club, which he was a member of.
He was an artist, and of his 3 children I was the only one to have the same gift.
Sometimes it's hard not to feel like everything would have turned out better if he had have been there. Though it's not something I dwell too much, I sometimes wonder about the things I missed out on.
Mum said I once asked her where my daddy is. It must have been so hard for her.
I remember she cried a lot when I was little. I hated it and always told it was ok, and asked her to stop. We would go to the graveyard and put down flowers and tend to the grave.
It took me a long time for me to fully understand what it all really meant.

When I was 5 my Mum remarried she wanted me to have a father, and even though he let us down a lot he did a lot of good things too. I'm so grateful that I had him as my Dad.
I still recall the when I asked if I could call him Dad. He said I could, and to this day he says how chuffed he was. I still call him Dad, and he always will be my Dad even tho my mum separated from him after 11 years of marriage.

No one really ever talked to me much about my dad when I was younger, and they still don't really.
My brother and sister are a lot older than me, about 18 yrs diff. They are from my Dadís first marriage. (My family is kind of complicated, tho whose isnít these days).
They looked after me heaps when I was little. It was as though everyone was trying to surround me with love to make up for what was missing, they took me places, spoilt me, and were just always there.
Over the years things changed and our family isnít really close like we used to be.
My sister has her own family, and she doesnít make much of an effort to see me like she used to, but I suppose it goes both ways.
My brother on the other hand is the total opposite. Over the past few years he wanted to see me all the time, and constantly talked about my dad. Which should have been a good thing, but it turned out not to be. It makes me so sad to see him and I worry for him, but I now I canít bring myself to see him anymore and for my best interests I canít, at least not till he sorts himself out. However that is a story for another time.

My mum used to have a box of things in her wardrobe that I used to sneak in and look at. There were clippings from the local newspaper of the day my dad died that had msg's from family and friends, the sign book from the funeral, a tape with a recording of his voice to leave a msg on the phone.
A portrait of my dad hung on the wall outside my room for most of my life, and then one day my Mum decided to take it down.
I guess she decided she was ready to move on, that and my step dad was always jealous of my Dad. He thought my dad would always be the one love of my Mumís life.
I wasnít ready for it. She also decided to get rid of the clothes of his that she had in a box in the cupboard. I kept one as an art smock. I figured that it was an appropriate thing to do with it, cos he loved art so much.

I asked my mum for some pics of my dad recently. It took me ages to get me to get her to find the photo Albums cos most of our stuff has been in boxes for the past 6 years. Then she said she would get copies of the ones I wanted, which was 4 months ago now, and I still donít have a single picture thatís mine. I wish I had the memoryís they have.
Recently my sister had the super 88 film which could only be watched with slides on a projector put onto DVD. It wasnít the best quality, but it has my dad on it with a few seconds of him talking.
My mum got given a copy, but I didnít. I borrowed it and played that one section over and over, and imagined what he was like.
It feels as though everyone just wants to forget, and I'm the only one wanting to know who he is still.
I find that because we hardly talked about him, now itís really difficult to talk about.
I never know if it's appropriate to talk about it to others, sometimes I think I shouldnít mention it at all. Part of me wants to though cos I feel as though itís such a huge part of knowing who I am.
The thing is when I do tell others, I feel like itís so meaningless... and I guess it is to them, but itís not to me. I get so embarrassed and have the urge to cry every time I tell someone new. I donít know why it feels like such a big deal to me.
I feel as though everyone else that has had similar circumstances losing a parent at a young age seems to deal so much better with it then I do.
I must sound like Iím complaining, I know it's a part of life everyone has to deal with and I do know how very lucky I am in so many other ways.
Knowing this doesnít stop it from hurting tho, it never used to affect me so much when I was little.
I guess somewhere along the way I lost my strength.

I donít want to deal with it alone anymore.
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Old 05-08-10, 10:16 AM   #2
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Hi Patches...and welcome to TTL. I think your dad must be very proud and happy to see how he is remembered, and I'm sure he knows. It's to bad you have no memories of him, but at least you have the stories, photos and such. What more could anyone ask for than to have family remember them so fondly.
For what it's worth, I don't doubt your father was watching over you and helping you. I'll tell you about a contact I had with my sister a couple months after she died if your interested.
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Old 05-08-10, 01:42 PM   #3
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((((patches))))
does your mom know how u feel about this, about the pictures & such?
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Old 05-08-10, 01:45 PM   #4
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-hug-
i'm sorry. i don't know much more to say. i've had 2 friends whose mothers died. the one never talked about it, the other one did. people are just different. it must feel as though a piece of you is missing. i mean, i've lost people, but in the emotional sense -sigh- i wish i could help more
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Old 05-10-10, 10:32 PM   #5
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Thanks for taking the time to read guys :-).
I think my mum has a little bit of an idea of how I feel about the photo's, but I moved state so I haven't seen her in about 4 months. Talk to her on the phone tho.
I know everyone deals with things differently, it would be nice to know someone that could relate to and see how they deal.
As for my Dad watching over me, while I think the idea is lovely, I am just unable to believe anymore. I would say that I'm agnostic. I try to respect others beliefs, but its not for me.
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Old 05-17-10, 03:13 PM   #6
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Default We all grieve differently

Patches - there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It's a feeling, and it just "is."

My Grandpa died of melanoma before I was born, and it always feels strange to have my Mom talk about him. My Grandma remarried, and I always thought of him as my Grandpa, so I understand how special the kind of a relationship you have with your "dad on earth" can be.

You didn't say how old you are, but there are certain ages in our lives when we really do need to know things about our past. Sometimes it's when we reach certain milestones, other times it's just our age and our need.

When we grieve, we are acknowledging a loss in our lives. Sometimes we have to grow up enough to feel the loss before we can grieve it. In a sense, since you always felt your Dad around, you never needed to let go. Now that you can no longer believe he is there, you still have the feelings of love, but nowhere to put them. So it makes sense that you are feeling his loss at this particular time.

The pictures will help, but you can also do something special on your own. You can create some kind of a memorial stone or something else that you can touch to remember him. What ever you do, know that you were loved by him and you are loved by your family today.
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Old 05-21-10, 02:01 AM   #7
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I'm 24, 25 in 4 months.
Thanks for the new perspective Oldlady :-). I do think that your right about reaching certain points in your life where need and understanding becomes different. I hadn't thought that loosing faith could be what is making me feel a renewed loss.
I guess that I do think on it more when things are difficult too, and at the moment I'm not living near any of my family or friends which is kinda tough.
I like your idea of a memorial of some kind and I had always wanted to paint a picture of all my family, which is I guess is kinda doing that. Though I wanted to wait until my ability could do them justice. I kinda put the idea on hold cos I haven't done much in the way of art for a while, but I know that if I pick it up again one day will be able to do it. I have a kind of love hate of art. It's always been something I enjoyed and when I set my mind to it are quite good at. However I started to wonder if I actually did enjoy it, or if I was just doing it cos if I set my mind to it I could be good. I also found for me, I was never good enough and doing it usually brought a lot emotions to the surface. I mostly ended up frustrated and upset with it. For a while I wondered if I was doing it cos it was something my dad enjoyed, but later realized that I did like it. I just don't feel ready to invest so much into expressing myself if that makes sense.
By the way 57 isn't really old. It feels funny calling you 'OldLady' when my mum is 61 and to me seems quite young still. I think when u hit about 70 that's getting old :-p
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