Is it possible to be grieving for somebody who isn't dead?
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Is it possible to be grieving for somebody who isn't dead?

This is a discussion on Is it possible to be grieving for somebody who isn't dead? within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I'll make a long story short for those who don't know about Clayton. Last year, I met and fell in ...

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Old 05-13-09, 05:12 PM   #1
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I'll make a long story short for those who don't know about Clayton. Last year, I met and fell in love with a fellow student at my university. I call him Clayton here. He had the most beautiful soul and was so amazing. We never dated, it never got past friendship, but I really wanted him to ask me out. Over Christmas break, Clayton had a mental breakdown, landed in the hospital and was forced to drop out of university in order to take care of himself. I spoke to him on the phone a few days after I found out and I could tell that he wasn't the same man that I loved. He was so cold and distant.

When I learned about what happened, I made the decision to never contact him and move on. If he wanted me there at his side, I would drop everything and be with him. But he doesn't want me there. I haven't spoken to him since that day. I gave him my number, told him that if he ever needed anything, all he had to do was call me. I think he took it just to be polite.

I know that I made the right decision. I know he's not coming back and I can't be there for somebody who doesn't want me there. But I still miss him and wish this never happened. I wish the best for him, but it wasn't an easy choice.
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Old 05-13-09, 05:33 PM   #2
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((((BT)))) it is possible to grieve for somebody who isn't dead. I think that is why now, when my father's hour is so so close that I can find this happiness within in me and know it is ok for him to just 'leave the building'. I lost him years ago and I have grieved that loss over time, you see so its ok for him to die. Many years ago I wrote him a letter which I realise now was part of the grief process. It was a really beautiful loving letter. After that, I got on with my life - as if he were gone. I loved him anyway but I knew everything was up to him after my letter and he chose not to be in my life.

I think BT if you love someone and they occupy a space that is not the same space as yours and bridges cannot be built to reconcile the love you have while you are living, then BT, because you are a beautiful person, you will grieve for that loss. My dad on his death bed, squeezed my hand and said 'it's alright' and, I suppose it is. I would rather have gone through my life and known my love for him than not at all.

(((((BT comfort hug))))))
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Old 05-13-09, 07:05 PM   #3
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Am I giving up on him? What if he does come back, will my feelings have changed? I don't want to fall out of love with him, but I can't keep being there for him when he wants nobody there.
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Old 05-13-09, 07:05 PM   #4
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Yes BT I'm sure you are grieving...he was a big part of your life and now he is gone...Time heals...but it is probably harder for you knowing that he is still alive and isn't calling ((((((((((((((BoulevardTraveler)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry your still hurting so much...in time it will get better!!
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Old 05-13-09, 07:20 PM   #5
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Is it wrong to wish that I never met him?
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Old 05-13-09, 07:29 PM   #6
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No...it's not wrong at all...Your in alot of pain over him and if you had never met him you wouldn't be...but you can't live your life afraid of getting close to ppl...I'm sure you had no idea that clayton was on the brink of a break down!
It's a chance we take every time we let our selves get close to someone. Do you have fond memories of your time together? Can you look back and smile at the times you had? If you do then I would have to say that it was worth it...You will get to feeling better about this I promise...it just takes time...and you will find someone else that you can share your feelings with and be happy with!!

(((((((((((((((((((BoulevardTraveler)))))))))))))) ))))))))
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Old 05-13-09, 07:50 PM   #7
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There is no wrong way to grieve about someone you love. It's alright. Really. I met somebody I fell in love with then had to cut them out of my life but with the searing pain comes the realisation that my life is not diminished for having known them and if given the choice I would choose the pain over nothingness in a heartbeat. I guess that is what I mean because the love with all its unrequitedness is something I would be willing to have because love is not a bad thing and him I loved. Circumstances were not good - other factors were not in my favour and blah blah but my heart was always good and it was powerful good. so I don't want to cut that piece away even if I couldn't have my cake and eat it. It's alright for me atm BT because I have some distance now and I can reflect philosphically. Perhaps at the time when it was so raw, I may have felt differently. Just love and nurture yourself and trust that you can't feel wrong about your loss.

((((BT)))))
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Old 05-13-09, 10:16 PM   #8
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I just feel so alone. I try talking to my friends about it, but they have no words to comfort me. My mom just basically said, "Ah well, there are other fish in the sea." I got really offended at that. I felt so differently around him. She gave me the impression that Clayton was just somebody I can replace easily. But he was different than other men I've crushed on. He made me feel whole, complete.
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Old 05-14-09, 03:14 AM   #9
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ur made the right decision. when u love somebody sometimes u have to set them free from ur heart, even if is painful. and i also think is possible to grieve for somebody that is still alive... he is not in your live they way you would like him to be.

let time be jugde of this story, and wait and see what happens. i really dont think you should not press more on the issue; you said to him that if he ever needed you , you will be there,you offered him ur unconditional support. he will come around when he is ready to,have some faith.!

one way or another, it will be better in time!

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 05-14-09, 07:08 AM   #10
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hi boulevard

YES it is possible to grieve for someone who is still alive - you have left your contact details and been there for him you have been selfless putting him before yourself - IT IS BETTER TO love than be loved - it is better to comfort rather than be comforted (this is a very old saying) - and its true.

MUMS TEND TO BRUSH THINGS OFF LIGHTLY SOMETIMES - BUT I KNOW HOW IT HURTS - you could always phone up a helpline ? to talk it through and know that we all understand here what you are going through.With lots of love from BRANDYX
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