Grieving is about mourning loss, right?
I don't know if this post is in the correct category; I'm sure someone will correct me if i need correcting.
anyway, i am grieving the loss of something, though at this particular moment, i can't pinpoint exactly what. i am going to write about it, and maybe i can get to the bottom of this.
with all that's happened for me recently -- the return of depression, the return of severe hallucinations, my withdrawal from other people and from the world, paranoia to the max; the back pain, the stomach pain, the GI tract problems; the realization of abuse of all forms, the vivid flashbacks and dissociation; the realization that I'm too sensitive to stress to hold a regular job or go to college; the sitting alone in fear and anxiety; the death threats I aimed at myself and others -- it's been one hell of a year.
I always thought I'd be angry. I thought I'd always have fight in me, that it was just a "me" thing I did, to want to be understood, to need
to be understood, to never give up communication, to keep pushing to make myself heard. I did not expect to be the person I am today.
Today, I am a person who moves slowly. I rush for no one. I ask for what I want and what I need. I ask questions and don't apologize for asking. i don't stop to ponder what someone else's comment meant. I let the phone ring if I'm busy doing something at home. I figure I can call whoever it was back when I get off the toilet, when I finish eating dinner. I no longer respond to stuff like my life depends on it. I laugh out loud, I laugh for real, and I'm not worrying about who hears me. I went to an art exhibit yesterday. normally, i would have interpreted the curator's look as scathingly critical, but yesterday, i just wasn't in the mood to feel bad, so I left the interpretation of her facial expression up to her
. I eat whatever i want whenever i want it. and if i don't want to eat, i don't. some days, i turn everything off and the sole purpose of the day is to just HAVE FUN.
"Who is this woman and what have you done with SelfHater???"
I guess I am mourning the loss of immaturity.
I am mourning the loss of youth, the loss of the self-righteousness of youth. I used to think I had control, that if only i did so-and-so BETTER, than my life would miraculously turn itself around. I am mourning the energy of my youth. I am mourning the loss of my indignation, of my hotheadedness. I liked my high energy. I liked the get-up-and-go of immature impulsivity.
Today, I find myself content to sit by and say and do nothing. i feel like an old woman. I find myself content to sit and wait, to not make any snap judgments. I pause before I speak now. I take the time to think about how my words could impact the people around me, how my actions in the right now could affect my world tomorrow.
I used to pride myself on how fast I could finish things. In the 5th grade, I read the entire years required reading and suggested reading in the first month of school. In college, I'd get the syllabus and have everything done by week #2. I was quick. I was accurate. I proved to myself that I was smart by proving to the class that I was smart. Now, I do not feel so compelled to prove my worth to anyone, because knowing I am smart is good enough; I don't seem to need as many people to clap for me. Months ago, my therapist told me, grimly, that I might have to learn to be okay with being grossly misunderstood. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it.