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This is a discussion on Phoenix? within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Grieving is about mourning loss, right? I don't know if this post is in the correct category; I'm sure someone ...

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Old 10-18-09, 06:15 AM   #1
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Grieving is about mourning loss, right?
I don't know if this post is in the correct category; I'm sure someone will correct me if i need correcting.

anyway, i am grieving the loss of something, though at this particular moment, i can't pinpoint exactly what. i am going to write about it, and maybe i can get to the bottom of this.

with all that's happened for me recently -- the return of depression, the return of severe hallucinations, my withdrawal from other people and from the world, paranoia to the max; the back pain, the stomach pain, the GI tract problems; the realization of abuse of all forms, the vivid flashbacks and dissociation; the realization that I'm too sensitive to stress to hold a regular job or go to college; the sitting alone in fear and anxiety; the death threats I aimed at myself and others -- it's been one hell of a year.

I always thought I'd be angry. I thought I'd always have fight in me, that it was just a "me" thing I did, to want to be understood, to need to be understood, to never give up communication, to keep pushing to make myself heard. I did not expect to be the person I am today.

Today, I am a person who moves slowly. I rush for no one. I ask for what I want and what I need. I ask questions and don't apologize for asking. i don't stop to ponder what someone else's comment meant. I let the phone ring if I'm busy doing something at home. I figure I can call whoever it was back when I get off the toilet, when I finish eating dinner. I no longer respond to stuff like my life depends on it. I laugh out loud, I laugh for real, and I'm not worrying about who hears me. I went to an art exhibit yesterday. normally, i would have interpreted the curator's look as scathingly critical, but yesterday, i just wasn't in the mood to feel bad, so I left the interpretation of her facial expression up to her. I eat whatever i want whenever i want it. and if i don't want to eat, i don't. some days, i turn everything off and the sole purpose of the day is to just HAVE FUN.

"Who is this woman and what have you done with SelfHater???"

I guess I am mourning the loss of immaturity.
I am mourning the loss of youth, the loss of the self-righteousness of youth. I used to think I had control, that if only i did so-and-so BETTER, than my life would miraculously turn itself around. I am mourning the energy of my youth. I am mourning the loss of my indignation, of my hotheadedness. I liked my high energy. I liked the get-up-and-go of immature impulsivity.

Today, I find myself content to sit by and say and do nothing. i feel like an old woman. I find myself content to sit and wait, to not make any snap judgments. I pause before I speak now. I take the time to think about how my words could impact the people around me, how my actions in the right now could affect my world tomorrow.

I used to pride myself on how fast I could finish things. In the 5th grade, I read the entire years required reading and suggested reading in the first month of school. In college, I'd get the syllabus and have everything done by week #2. I was quick. I was accurate. I proved to myself that I was smart by proving to the class that I was smart. Now, I do not feel so compelled to prove my worth to anyone, because knowing I am smart is good enough; I don't seem to need as many people to clap for me. Months ago, my therapist told me, grimly, that I might have to learn to be okay with being grossly misunderstood. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it.
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Old 10-18-09, 06:11 PM   #2
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that is a beautiful and peaceful perspective of looking at life. im glad ur shedding the old skin away.. and let the new you become the person you truly want to be!!

just like the phoenix ave. coming out of the ashes!!!
lucky hugss!!!!


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Last edited by strawberry bitch; 10-18-09 at 06:13 PM.
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Old 10-19-09, 02:55 PM   #3
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Loss is not always a person.
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