One Year Ago...
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One Year Ago...

This is a discussion on One Year Ago... within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; One year ago today, I had my 12 year old cat put to sleep because of her terminal cancer. Right ...

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Old 07-19-09, 12:48 PM   #1
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One year ago today, I had my 12 year old cat put to sleep because of her terminal cancer. Right now, I'm hunkered down in my room, crying and listening to Evanescence. My roommates have been trying to comfort me, but it's not helping, I just want to be alone. I miss Esmeralda, my cat. My mom called, knowing today would be the one year. She asked me to do her a favor; to think of only the good times I had with Ezzie. Unfortunately, it doesn't take away the pain, it doesn't ease it. If anything, it makes it worse because I know I can't have anymore good memories with her.

I still feel really guilty having her put to sleep, like I've betrayed her. My parents kept telling me to put her down, to put her out of her misery. But I couldn't do it, at first. Doesn't matter what you call it, "euthanize" "putting down" "putting to sleep", it's still killing. Even though my parents were telling me that I was showing my cat a kindness, I still couldn't do it. I was absolutely terrified that my parents would take her in behind my back, have her put to sleep and not tell me about it until it was all over. They didn't tell me about her terminal cancer for 3 months, I felt betrayed. I eventually wore down after I saw her in such misery that I couldn't stand it anymore and told my mom to call the vet. The vet told us after it was over that they had trouble sticking the catehter in her leg because her pulse was so weak. She had a few more days, at most.

I wonder if Ezzie can forgive me for having her put to sleep and if I get another cat, which probably won't be for a few more years anyway.
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Old 07-19-09, 01:08 PM   #2
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I am sure she always <3 you B-T ((((comfort hug))))
I dont know how to help with your day thou , just take some comfort in the knowledge you did everything to help her, and if she could understand that and know how much you cared and loved, she would understand you did it, not to be cruel or botherd, but out of love..
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Old 07-19-09, 01:16 PM   #3
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(((((((((((((BoulevardTraveler))))))))))))))))

I'm sure Ezzie knows you did her a kindness, if she could talk I'm sure she would have told you so.
Don't feel guilty BT, it was a tough decision you made, but it was the right one!
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Old 07-19-09, 01:17 PM   #4
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I'm sure Ezzie forgives you, BT. (((((((((Hugs.)))))))))) I know how you feel, about it being killing. But I bet she thanks you. She's somewhere that she isn't in pain anymore. And I bet she also wouldn't mind if you one day get a new cat. I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough day. My thoughts are with you today. I'm sure you can get through this.
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Old 07-19-09, 08:41 PM   #5
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I'm sure she would forgive you.
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Old 07-20-09, 12:58 AM   #6
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((((bt))))))

i have a dog, and im REALLY attached to her since she is the closest "person" to me.. inevitably i think about when "that" day comes, i get so scared that i have to keep thinking about it because i know part of life is death... i can definetly understand the pain u felt .. and the ongoing grief.

im sure that u made the best of the situation! sometimes that what love is about. u made a selfless decision to stop her suffering.

im thinking of u!! :)

((((((((((Tight hugsss)))))
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Old 07-21-09, 12:26 PM   #7
 
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If only we could show humans the same considerations we show our pets there would be so much less suffering in the world.
I am very sorry you lost Ezzie but I do think that letting her go was the right thing to do. Its so incredibly hard to do it. I know. We had Ammy for 19 years before I took her to be put down. She was having mini strokes etc, the cat was an amazing 21 years old! Ammy was also a lady and deserved to be treated with dignity at the end. It hurt me to hell and back to do it, I know your pain.
And yes 100% yes she would want you to have another cat so that you can experience that loving bond. When the time is right you'll find a new furry friend to fill your heart with love again.
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Old 07-22-09, 11:31 PM   #8
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I finally made it through July 19th, but that day will never be the same, just as how Mother's Day will never be the same either. My roommates were kind enough to give me space that day. Let's just say that I was exhausted at the end of the day from all the crying I did.

I'm still angry at myself because I could've saved Ezzie. I felt the lump, about the size of a pinhead one day. I thought nothing of it until I felt it getting bigger and bigger. I kept begging my parents to do something, but they didn't think it was that big of a deal. They said that if it was cancer, they wouldn't spend the money to help her. By the time I finally got my parents to take her into the vet, the pinhead lump had grown to the size of a walnut. By then, it was too late, the cancer had spread and nothing could've saved her at that point. My parents and friends keep telling me not to blame myself, but it's no use, because I could've saved her life.

If I had been more forceful with the issue, if I had been more vocal about my concerns, then the cancer might've been caught sooner and she might still be alive.
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