One last chance
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One last chance

This is a discussion on One last chance within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Anyone ever get that thing were you had one last chance to be with and talk to someone before they ...

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Old 03-31-14, 06:10 AM   #1
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Default One last chance

Anyone ever get that thing were you had one last chance to be with and talk to someone before they were gone forever but you blew it and would do absolutely anything to go back and reverse it and maybe they wouldn't even be gone forever if you had?

I'll be exploding with grief with each conscious realization for the next little while.

At best I could have said goodbye on decent terms... rather than after the fact.

I have NO IDEA how I'm going to cope with this. I feel like it's going to eat at me for the rest of my life. I feel like my happiness is permanently broken. It's just so unfair.
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Old 03-31-14, 01:31 PM   #2
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These are all just part of the pattern. I get cycles of fleeting respite from abandonment, just to be thrust back to where I belong in this world.
That's all I'm worth. My life's experiences consistently prove it.
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Old 03-31-14, 07:00 PM   #3
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What happened??
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Old 04-01-14, 01:39 AM   #4
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All the people in the world are repulsed by my toxicity.
That's what happened, happens, and will continue to happen.
There's something in me that will never stop being a negative aspect of other people's lives. When I'm depressed, I'm negative and draining. When that pushes people away and I hurt more than the depression could ever hurt me, I opt to be happy instead, and then I become obnoxious and annoying. Still negative. When I'm neither, I'm boring. When I'm needed, I'm selfish.
I exhaust and wear down every creature that would ever choose to spend time with me until I'm all that's left, and I'm alone again. The more patient people who give me hope only take longer to lose that patience and leave.

Not to mention I'm avoidant and afraid of rejection so I flinch at every perceived hint of disapproval. I think it might be to the degree that it's a personality disorder at this point. I mean I kind of suspected that for a long time but I've never been to a therapist or a psychiatrist long enough to determine it doubtlessly, but I feel like recent events confirmed it, and it definitely pushes people away.

So...
Loss.
It's a frequent thing in my life. And it IS often permanent.
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Old 04-01-14, 05:30 AM   #5
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Has anyone actually told you these things?
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Old 04-02-14, 01:28 PM   #6
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At this point, it's pretty clear that I am the problem and that the assessment must be of myself or my own actions.

And if it's not, then I still don't have any hope of understanding because I have to figure it out by myself.

What I do know is I make people angry/stressed/exhausted to the point where they decide that it's best to ignore me for the rest of their lives. What I do not know is why. I thought I knew the reasons, and I thought I had changed to address them. And then it just happened all over again. Anger is definitely a clear part of it this time, though I don't understand what exactly I did to cause that. I really really wish I did, but I just don't. I can only conclude that I simply fail to see what is probably self-evident, but that still just comes back to me being the problem because I'm clueless and unintuitive.

This isn't the first time it happened, and I'm starting to think I should avoid interaction altogether if I want it to be the last. It's certainly happened enough times. Enough to know that as much as I want to beg for an answer, or a reason, or even just a brief anything, it won't come to anything.

I hate that like hell. I hate forever. It's all I can do to just silently apologize for myself and to myself, in order to go on living with myself. That's a fate I don't think I should wish upon anyone else ever again.
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